Is Anybody There? Page #2

And give me my left shoe.

- Did you want one?

- No...

Ta.

Sorry for setting the fire bell off.

Sorry I put a lot of talcum

on your floor and that.

Sorry for not saying sorry

when you ran me over.

And that time I chucked dirt on your head.

That's an awful lot of things

to be sorry for at such a young age.

Sorry.

Are you a magician?

- I gave it up.

- Why don't you start again?

Do me a favour.

When you...

Did...

Did you see any kind

of bright white light?

Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?

As a matter of fact, I did.

This cross-eyed little herbert turned up

and yanked me back out.

That's what

you should be saying sorry for.

? That certain night

? The night we met

? There was magic abroad

? In the air

? There were angels dining at the Ritz

? And a nightingale sang

in Berkeley Square...?

Can someone inform me

what the hell you think you're playing at?

I'm stuck up here on my own

with nothing to keep my trousers up with!

Welcome home.

You know, if I want to top myself...

...I can jump out the window!

'There must be some way we can... '

'- They say love will find a way. Always.

- I don't deserve love from you.

'What I deserve is these crippled legs.

And reflect on what I've done... '

Forget it.

How much did that cost?

You can't put a price on looking good,

chucklebum.

How much is looking stupid?

Nice 'do, Stevie.

You want to watch where you're going.

Is this your grand passion?

Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.

They're all pictures of ghosts.

When they took that,

there was no one there.

Apart from that bloke.

- Please, please!

- What?

- What's his problem?

- Who?

Flash Gordon.

He was in a war.

What about the others?

Lilian's miserable. She trumps a lot.

Reg gets drunk.

Elsie was a dancing teacher,

but now has a plastic leg.

Prudence tears up toilet paper.

Ena thinks she's still the King's

housemaid and can't stop stealing stuff.

Clive's had a stroke,

so all he can say is, "One out. "

"Rage...

"Rage against the dying of the light. "

? The wheels on the bus go

round and round

? Round and round, round and round

? The wheels on the bus go

round and round

? All day long...?

They do go round and round,

don't they? Sometimes.

? The dogs on the bus go

woof, woof, woof

? Woof, woof, woof

Woof, woof, woof

? The dogs on the bus go

woof, woof, woof...?

Jesus Christ Almighty!

? All day long

All day long

? The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa

? Waa-waa-waa

Waa-waa-waa...?

I can't put the two things together.

Lived on my own.

Well, myself and the missus.

You live on your own all your life,

then they think it's a great idea

to shove you together

with a load of strangers.

And what do the mummies on the bus say?

Anyone?

"Screw this," if they've got any sense.

- Everybody all right?

- Yes, thank you.

Nice to see you, Clarence.

? The mummies on the bus say

hush-hush-hush, hush-hush-hush...?

Oh, God.

I know something that would cheer you up.

You've got to be bleeding kidding!

Have one of your beers.

I want to show you something.

- Are you interested in ghosts?

- No, not in the slightest.

- I am.

- So I gathered.

I'm trying to catch them on tape.

Where are you going?

There's nothing in it. It's all bollocks.

- No, it's not.

- It is.

"Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping. "

He's gonna be pissed off

when he wakes up.

This is going to bring my piles down.

I need a coin.

Now you have to dance around it

a hundred times.

Their hand comes out

and you can ask it questions. Come on.

One.

Two.

98...

- What's happening?

- Nothing much.

99...

'There's lots of different ways to

contact them. Sances and Ouija boards. '

You can stand in front of a mirror

and say someone's name again

and again and again, then they'll appear.

- Does this apply to anyone?

- No, you have to be dead.

Is that your wife?

She looks like Dame Edna.

Shut up.

'Now it's good night from me.

'And it's good night from him.

Good night. '

Good... night!

Good night, sweet ladies.

Thanks for the mystery tour.

I'm not that bothered in the future.

My name's Edward.

Mine's Clarence.

? Simply because you're near me

? Honey, but when you're near me

? I'm in the mood for love

? Heaven is in your eyes

? Bright as the stars we're under

? Oh, is it any wonder

? I'm in the mood for love?

? Why stop to think of whether

? This little dream might fade?

? We've put our hearts together

? Now we are one

? I'm not afraid

? If there's a cloud above

? If it should rain, we'll let it

But for...?

Annie...

Annie...

Annie?

Annie...

Annie!

Annie...

Annie...

Annie?

Annie...

- Right, I'm knocking off.

- That's a good idea.

I'm off down The Ship.

- Do you mind if I get changed in here?

- In...?

Did you see "Top of the Pops" last night?

No, I don't watch it.

Who was on?

- No, I... I don't watch it neither.

- No.

Are you still with Mike or...?

No, I packed him in.

- We're both going away soon, so...

- University?

- That's it.

- I wish I'd gone sometimes.

I failed my Geography "A" level. There was

another question on the back of the page.

I finished half an hour before everybody

else. I'm thinking, "They're bloody slow!"

Do you want a lift?

Yeah, if you like.

Great. I'll just get me jacket on.

You smell like a tart's window box,

Steve! What have you got on?

Just something I were bought

for Christmas, you know.

'Uhhhh... '

This is what I've got to look forward to,

is it?

Can't you find something more

constructive to do? Learn a skill?

I only want to know what happens.

What happens is... is you think

the last thought you're ever gonna think

and then whatever it was

that used to be you... just goes.

Christ, it'd be lovely!

I've got lots of things I'd like to say.

But the curtain's come down,

unfortunately.

That's horrible!

It can't just be black! Don't take

the piss! It can't just be black!

Are you waiting for someone?

Yes, a little lad.

Your grandson, is he?

No.

Just a little lad.

Gaylord!

You don't have to come and get me.

Don't you want a game?

Nice weather for one.

I don't like football.

I was wondering if you might

accompany me on an expedition?

'Two fat ladies, 88.'

The bulb's broken.

Doesn't matter. The darker, the better.

Now, for those of you...

...who have never before sat at a sance,

there is absolutely nothing

to be fearful of.

Ghosts are very friendly sorts.

They like a nice little chinwag.

But they're very scared of loud noises

and sudden movements

which is the reason

why they're very rarely to be sighted

in discos and wrestling matches,

for example.

You shouldn't joke.

It'll make 'em vengeful.

Spirits, please accept

my mortal apologies.

Now, who are we hoping

to contact tonight?

- Anyone.

- OK, we'll try for anyone.

Is there anybody there?

Is someone in here?

- Who is it?

- Arnold?

Someone else?

Who?

It's "yes or no" questions only, I think.

Is there life after death?

- What's it like?

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