Is Anybody There? Page #3

- Is it nice?

Are there any ghosts in this house?

Oh!

Are there any nice ghosts in this house

that don't want to scare anyone

or cause any bother or nothing?

Yeah.

? Happy birthday to you

? Happy birthday, dear Edward

? Happy birthday to you!?

- Eddie, good morning!

- Good morning.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah.

Thanks.

I'm going to have a shave.

Can I have a kiss, please...?

Thank you.

It's a special and glorious day today.

- Yeah.

- Canada is a country.

And my big God-bothering girl Mavis

is coming from there to see me today!

With her husband

who's got a plate in his head.

Of course, she's not a girl now,

little man. She's 66 years old.

I'm 11!

Well, she's six times better than you are,

isn't she?

Steve!

- What?

- Come here!

Oh, fantastic

Someone answer the door!

Who do you think you are?

Lord and Lady Aggleshite?

Tradesman's entrance!

Well, shake a leg!

- Oh!

- Got her.

- Mum!

- Happy birthday, mate.

- Back to your room! Quick sharp!

- Is she dead?

No, she's fine, she's fine.

What's all the fuss about?

She's had it. She's only just died!

Now stop that. Stop what you're doing!

She's just in her room with her things.

It's hard to know what to say.

Eddie, I'm worried

this is how the Yorkshire Ripper started.

He won't end up

like the Yorkshire Ripper!

Why are you so bloody morbid?

- Cos I live here!

- We are doing our best!

We used to go away for the day

on my birthday.

It doesn't entitle you

to do what you like!

Oh!

I heard Lilian's ghost.

It went "uuuuhhhh".

And I was too thick to turn the tape on.

That's the sound of the air passing over

the vocal cords as it comes out the lungs.

No, it's not.

Can we do another sance?

The proper reaction is to mourn

and celebrate their achievements

as human beings, then try to move on,

not stick a microphone up their nose!

I used to have a room

with Paddington Bear wallpaper.

Yeah, well, I used to have

a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.

Your life changes, buster.

And not always for the better.

You accumulate regrets

and they stick to you like old bruises.

Sorry.

Many happy returns of the day.

I'll teach you a few tricks.

I'll do you a magic show.

And you can rub out all of today.

And you can ask your pals.

I don't want a party.

Join hands and make contact

with the living, son!

You've got to keep it hidden, see?

Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.

You're lucky. You're still flexible.

Go on.

Now make it disappear.

Go on!

Pick it up.

Start again.

It doesn't start until September, does it?

Tanya!

God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks!

Go on, ask him.

Ask him about your party.

Good afternoon, Bob.

I don't understand.

It doesn't take five months to pack!

Tragic, isn't it?

What were her achievements, then?

What was she like?

She was a manipulative,

passive aggressive...

...unkind old a**hole.

? Wish me luck

as you wave me goodbye

? Cheerio, here I go

? On my way...?

Tanya's resigned!

Can you believe that?

- She's what?

- Can I have a party? I was a prick.

- Where did you pick up that?

- Did she give any details?

- I want a magic show.

- You were naughty.

- Go on.

- Details?

- Mum!

- Eddie, get off our backs!

We've got this bloomin' wake.

? 'Til we meet once again,

you and I

? Wish me luck

as you wave me goodbye!?

Maybe we should have a wee dance?

The dancers have all gone under the hill,

my dear.

? With a cheer, not a tear

Make it gay...?

Ohhh, go on, then. It'll do you good

to have some other kids around.

- She must have said why.

- I don't know why you're so upset.

It's me who'll cop for the extra work.

Cos I do sod all around here, don't I?

You know, sometimes I wish

we did go bloody bankrupt!

? 'Til we meet once again, you and I

? Wish me luck

as you wave me goodbye!?

Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10,

10 will get you 20. Money in.

Where is it?

No. There she is.

- Not so bad here, is it?

- No.

...And the vicar says,

"Madam, this is a ladies bike.

It doesn't have a crossbar. "

You see...

...she thought she was sitting on

the crossbar all the way from Keighley.

- But it was his stiffy.

- Yep.

- Everyone all right?

- Yeah.

F***ing Christians.

You use two panes of very polished glass

for Pepper's Ghost.

At an angle like that.

Annie lies there... Well, your assistant.

- You've had this.

- What?

- You've already had this week's money.

- I do not believe I have had this week's.

- Don't you?

- No, sunshine, I don't.

- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

- Bugger off!

It can just be very small-scale.

It could just be me and you.

- What could?

- My birthday party.

I have been trying to draw you out of

yourself, in case you hadn't twigged.

God, what's the worst that could happen?

Kids eat some cake

and we lift the grim bloody pallor of

mortality for a few glorious moments.

OK, this one.

Got. Got. Need.

- Oi.

- What?

- Have we got PE?

- Of course. Spastic.

Hey.

Sh*t!

Wow!

- Do it again.

- The light is on!

The light is on!

You've got to flex it

between your knuckles. Don't drop it.

Flex it in your what-nots.

Bleedin' hell.

You've got to practise, you know.

Have you been prac...

Give us your whatsit's doo-dah there.

You're not going to leave, are you?

Why do you write so much on your arms?

Shall we go and get some magical items

for your party?

? Don't jump off the roof, Dad

You'll make a big hole in the yard

? Mother's just planted petunias

? The weeding and seeding was hard

? If you must end it all, Dad

? Why don't you give us a break?

? Take a walk in the park, Dad

? And there you can jump in the lake!?

Oops-a-daisy!

This is where we are, then.

Find some items

to make your party go with a swing.

It's funny.

You spend your life accumulating stuff

and then you can't find anywhere

to put it.

Imagine that.

Imagine all the money I've spent.

All the bloody work I've done.

There.

I had a fine woman, you know.

She was very artistic.

Very gentle.

We were very happy.

- What does this do?

- Tells the time.

- Is it magic?

- No. It's a grandfather clock.

You've got to give them the patter,

otherwise they'll latch on to you.

- What's patter?

- She was very good at that as well.

She helped me write my funny lines.

I met her at Euston Station.

Well, I saw her.

She passed me by.

I went after her.

I had a ten-bob note in my pocket.

You don't see them any more.

They were red.

So I took it out and I said,

"Excuse my intrusion, Miss,

"but I think you might have dropped this. "

And she said,

"Oh, gosh! I did. Thank you. "

Yeah.

So I took her to Lyons Corner House.

We had a long bun, as it were.

And that, as they say, was that.

Oh, God.

I haven't the faintest idea

why they scrapped 'em.

Tanners and florins and shillings.

You don't know what change

you're getting nowadays. And...

And...

Where is this?

Clarence?

- Patter.

- What?!

- Misdirection.

- Clarence, you're...! Clarence!

Sorry, I...

? Don't jump off the roof, Dad

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