Is Anybody There? Page #4

? You'll make a hole in the yard...?

You OK?

When I was a nipper,

I used to...

I remember looking up,

lying on my back,

and looking up at the stars

and thinking

what a great, big university it is.

Universe.

And all them stars, well, you know,

now they're very, very small.

It's all... shut up shop

and the stars, you know,

they don't...

...what-not.

And the whole... bloody thing

has ended up...

...on little...

...me.

You can take it to a garage.

What? Oh!

You see, when you die...

...then you come back to life.

You know, actually,

you're born again.

Then you die again

and, afterwards, you come back to life.

Sounds exhausting.

I want to come back as an animal.

A rabbit or a badger.

Or something.

- I like badgers.

- What's so good about badgers?

I like badgers because they're

bad-tempered and they look good.

And...

you can make sporrans out of badgers.

But if you came back as a person,

you get a chance to put it right again.

Let me tell you a secret.

Being a person is a pain in the arse.

- No, it's not!

- Yes, it is!

- Clarence?

- What?

If you die,

will you come back and see me?

Jesus wept! Chuck that thing away!

Chuck it away!

Chuck my bloody tricks away!

What did you do that for?!

I'm pissing against the wind.

I'm drenching my mackintosh.

You don't come back, son!

Once they've gone, you can't talk to them!

If I could just say to her, "I'm sorry. "

If I could tell her I was bloody sorry,

what a difference that would make.

- She's dead, son! She divorced me.

- Who?

Annie. I wouldn't settle down.

I couldn't keep it in my trousers.

I was a good-looking fella.

Then one day I came back home

and she'd...

Many years later,

I got a letter saying that she'd...

I was too late for her bloody funeral!

I've never even seen her grave!

It's hard...

to get this far and realise

there's absolutely bloody nothing!

- You said you were happy.

- Who's happy?

- We could do another sance.

- Don't be retarded. I made it up.

- What?

- Sod off! I want to be by myself.

- Clear your own stuff up!

- I will!

Badgers are stupid!

- Sorry, love!

- Coo-ee!

- You getting your rabbit in your hat?

- No, I'm shoving it up your bum!

Makes you think, doesn't it?

No.

I wasn't really thinking

about anything very much.

I was thinking about having my dinner.

No, I mean about life being too short.

All that balls.

'What's the matter, Stevie?

'Kath and I used to have

an awful lot of fun.

'It just seems to escape you.

'Oh, Christ, Tanya... '

Don't go to university.

Stay here. We could date.

- What?!

- Do you think I'm attractive?

- Hold your horses! I'm 18.

- It's fantastic.

- What are you? Like 45?

- No, I'm 39!

'Going on bloody geriatric! '

Kidder? I'm thinking

of doing the Card-Finding Duck.

Go away!

- It takes two people.

- Tough titty!

I don't want any bloody magic!

Ranjit, who in the previous book

was called John, has got six marbles.

Zulema, who used to be Samantha,

has got 12.

And Keith, thank goodness,

has got four.

What percentage of the bag

does each one have?

Five minutes.

- I don't want to go!

- Pack it in, the both of you! Manners!

But it's an old folks' homo!

Oh, God, what's that smell?

- Eew! It's wee!

- No wonder he's a complete weirdo.

? Happy birthday to you

? Happy birthday, dear Edward

? Happy birthday to you!?

- Go on, make a wish.

- Quick, before that senile old bat!

"Come on, Eileen")

Did you make that smell?

Carry on! Carry on!

- Let me do it.

- No. I am perfectly capable.

- Him, he's out! He moved!

- I've been moving since 1917!

I can't do anything else.

Get up, you. Reg the Hair.

Get up. Get up!

Oh!

Now move.

Can you do your magic show?

What?

You sure?

Have you got any kids?

'Now then,

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,'

please put your hands together

for The Amazing Clarence!

Thank you.

I'm not the sort of magician who drags you

through endless mysteries.

I'm pretty straightforward.

- And I don't do card tricks.

- Awww!

Well, maybe one or two.

Would you take a card for me, please?

Any card, any card.

Thank you. Look at it.

Don't tell me what it is. No, no.

Don't tell me.

Put it back.

I have a friend who will do that for me.

Ronald, the Card-Finding Duck.

He is going to find your card for you.

Oh! Oh!

Quack, quack!

Can I have another brave volunteer,

please?

You? Another volunteer?

Come on, come on. Who? Who?

- You, sir?

- No, no, absolutely not! No, no, no.

- They'd sit knitting and eating frogs.

- Eugh!

And watching people

having their heads cut off.

A carrot!

Unfortunately,

they found that the guillotine

was susceptible

to the power of raspberries.

They found

that if you got enough people...

...to blow raspberries,

the blade would be diverted

from its fatal course.

Which is why I need your help.

OK?

Let's have a dry run.

OK.

I think we're ready.

Blow!

Aiiiee!

Aaaargh!

- I've wrapped it in a bag of peas.

- Thank you.

- No, no, son!

- Let me go!

- Any other medication?

- Yes. I'm on pills for my...

Well, I'll be buggered.

Don't put your finger in it!

One out.

"Pack Up Your Troubles")

Did you have any?

It's gone crusty.

Go on. Why don't you have some, eh?

- Let's get the candle lit.

- I don't want any!

Have some cake.

- What's the matter?

- I live in an old people's home!

So do I! It's not easy for anybody!

This'll be the place you send your elderly

loved ones to have bits chopped off!

- It was an accident!

- He's not your grandad, Eddie!

I wish he was my dad!

Well, he's going senile.

Haven't you noticed?

So you'll just have to settle

for Mr Knobhead here.

- Why did you say that?!

- He'll find out.

Eddie, some people don't die

just like that, you know, not like Lilian.

Some people, they take a bit longer.

They fade.

- I know what senile is!

- There's Daddy and me.

- We are NOT going to fade away.

- Yes, you are! You are!

You shouldn't get so involved.

What about you? Getting involved!

'Oh, Christ, Tanya.

Don't go to university. We could date.

'- Do you think I'm attractive?

- Hold your horses! I'm 18.

'- It's fantastic!

- What are you? 45?

'No, I'm 39!

Going on bloody geriatric!

'- Don't have an affair with me, Stevie.

- I can't support my family.

'I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible

husband and nobody but you

'has a single bloody second for me.

'You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.

'I think I love you.

'I do. '

'Maybe if you paid me

a bit of attention every now and again!

'What's the bloody problem

with getting your head down?

'Can you not see beyond a pair of tits? '

I have never been unfaithful to you.

Not in 15 years!

You just undermine me, Steve.

All the time, you never do anything

other than complain!

'It's exhausting!

'- Why don't you just go?

- Oh, come on!

'I'm sick of it! Go! '

- There.

- Oh...

- You look nice in that tie, Reggie.

- Thank you.

But you never have it quite straight,

do you?

No?

We've got to straighten you out a bit

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