Jack and Jill

---

And we were born

on September 15...

And... And she's the older...

Older twin.

I'm older by 10 minutes.

She's... Ten minutes.

Cause she had

an umbilical cord

wrapped around her neck.

And she, like, shoved me in

there and wouldn't let me out.

I was, like, kicking her in,

shoving her more in my mom,

so that's why she came

out, like, later. Yeah.

And... She came out

the bigger twin, too.

Well, I came out a pound

heavier than Kara,

so that's why

I'm an inch taller now.

She's always been,

like, a pound heavier.

No.

So, yeah, it's... You know,

I love being twins, man.

It's, uh...

It's basically like you

have a bag of spare parts.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

It's, like, I need a

kidney down the road,

I know he's got one,

so I'm always like,

"Hey, stay healthy, dude.

Eat right."

When we were kids, we had

our own secret language

that only me and my

brother understood.

Ooh.

Eee.

Ooh.

I guess, when we were kids,

we thought we were whales.

Like, when things are bad,

we don't really got to say

anything to each other.

We just make these sounds.

It's like...

So, I just graduated

from Harvard,

and I'm starting a new job

at a law firm

in Southern California,

so I'm really happy about that.

And I got a job at Hooters.

I'm happy, too.

Hooters!

Being a twin is like

being a married couple,

and you can't divorce her.

Even, like! I mean, I love

her when we're together.

Well, actually, more so

when we're distant.

She loves nature, like me.

She loves donating her

time to charities.

And she loves eating healthy,

so that's awesome.

She's my best friend.

My best friend is my boyfriend.

They say we're young

and we don't know

We won't find out

till we grow

Well, I don't know

if all that's true

'Cause you got me

and, baby, I got you

Babe

I got you, babe

I got you, babe

I got you, babe

And when I'm sad

You're a clown

And if I get scared

You're always around

So let them say

your hair's too long

'Cause I don't care

With you I can't go wrong

Babe

I got you, babe

I got you, babe

Pepto-Bismol, take 43.

And action!

Please, why do I have

to have such diarrhea?

You need to drink the pink.

Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack!

What is he doing?

Jack, are you watching this'?

What do you mean, "Cut", man?

I... I got to be at

Sesame Street by 1:00.

Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, do

you really have diarrhea?

'Cause you lost weight

or something.

Why does the stomach

have all the good lines'?

Uh-huh.

"Drink the pink." That's funny.

I'm sorry, Jack.

The Dunkin' Donut people

want to talk to us.

Okay, well, I got to

Regis, it's going to be fine.

Yeah, and you'll take

care of that, and, uh...

Thank you very much.

I didn't need that, but cool.

I got some bad news.

We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.

What do you mean "lose"?

They didn't like our pitches?

They want Al Pacino.

Al Pacino to do a commercial?

Mmm-hmm.

The Godfather Al Pacino?

They got this new coffee

drink, the Dunkaccino.

Uh-huh.

Dunkaccino, Al Pacino,

they sound alike.

Yes. Well, they think

it'll be a home run.

Of course

it would be a home run

if he would ever do it,

which he won't.

Yeah, well, never say never.

Remember, you didn't think

we could get Brad Pitt

to do that Radio Shack

commercial.

I was right.

Well, you can't be

right all the time.

Uh-huh. Look, bottom line,

they're going to give us one month to

make this whole Pacino thing happen,

or they're going

to go elsewhere.

We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts.

They're our biggest client.

Damn it.

We're going to go

bankrupt, buddy.

And we have 200 employees

relying on us.

Try to have a good

Thanksgiving, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you think?

Would Al Pacino

ever do a Dunkin' Donuts

commercial?

What?

Yeah.

Shut up.

Did my wife call? Uh, yeah.

You're all set for the cruise.

You guys leave a week

after Hanukkah.

Okay, all right.

There's some good news.

Yeah. She converted, right'?

That's so cool.

She doesn't look Jewish at all.

Wow. That was anti-Semitic.

What? No, I just...

See, I can say that, you can't.

You're not Jewish.

No, but I'm close.

What... What does that mean?

I'm an atheist.

You're two for two right there.

What? No...

Anyways, did my sister say

what time she's

flying in tomorrow?

Yeah, I was supposed

to pick her up at noon,

but she switched

the flight to earlier,

so now she gets in

at 4:
00 in the morning.

Why?

Something about jet lag

She never listens.

She gains three hours.

Every year, she acts like

she's flying to New Zealand.

She's a freak, man.

Yeah, again,

you can't say that.

No, I...

Honey... Yeah?

Try complimenting her.

Huh? Yeah. What?

To avoid fighting.

Just focus

on something positive.

Tell Jill that

she has nice shoes.

Nice shoes. That's good.

That'll work.

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.

And I love my sister.

And I can keep my cool.

It's only four days.

I love my sister.

I love her shoes.

I love my sister.

I love her shoes.

Well, I just...

I can't find him anywhere.

Does he know

what terminal it is'?

I...

Okay, okay, I see him.

All right, I'm hanging up.

How are we doing?

Where were you?

I've been waiting

forever for you.

This place is creeping me out.

Why so many bags?

Are the Knicks traveling with you'?

What is with this?

Mom always said,

"it's better to have it

and not need it"

"than to need it

and not have it."

Oh, yeah, she did say that.

I remember that. That was cool.

Are you going bald?

Huh? No, no, no, no.

You're getting fatter, and

your hair doesn't realize

that it needs

to cover more face.

Okay. Where'd you put the car?

You really had

to bring your bird?

Yeah,

she's my best friend.

Anyways, Jill, I was thinking...

Yeah?

The house is going

to be very crowded

'cause we got the kids,

and all the guests

are coming by,

and blah, blah, blah.

So, there's this new hotel,

a Hilton that they

just built down...

But I want to spend time

with Sofie and Gary.

Why, do you not want me

to stay with you?

No, no, no, no. Of course

I want you to stay with us.

I was just...

I was just saying.

Okay, I'll stay with you, then.

It's too bad, 'cause the hotel

was starting to sound fun.

Why are you doing that?

Why do you sigh so loud?

I just really, really

love your shoes.

You are so weird.

Isn't he weird, Poopsie?

Where were you?

Poopsie gets it.

Yeah. Poopsie really gets it.

She always did get it.

I... It's just...

She always loved getting it.

And then your dad and I

went to the soup kitchen,

and they gave us Otto

to bring to Thanksgiving

dinner this year.

Thanks again for having me.

It's very nice.

Are you going to eat

dinner with us tonight'?

Yes, he is, honey.

And what about tomorrow night'?

Tomorrow, Otto's going

to go back home...

Less.

Sorry.

Uh, Sofia, show Otto

your karate moves.

You know, why don't...

Why don't you go wake up Jill?

What? It's 5:
30.

She's here. That's

the important thing.

It counts as a day.

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