Jackass: The Lost Tapes

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Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

Welcome to Jackass.

MAN:
Three, two, one, fire!

(LAUGHlNG)

Come wash my back.

Well, I'm Johnny Knoxville,

United States of America,

and I'll be doing a little article

on self-defence equipment.

I'm going to start off by spraying myself

with red pepper spray.

It's the highest concentration

you can get,

followed by a 120,000-volt stun gun,

and then I'll be getting shot

with a Taser gun, 50,000 volts,

for roughly around 30 seconds.

This right here

is where the hooks come out, I guess.

Hit me!

(COUGHS)

(GROANlNG)

-Oh, my God.

-Give me the f***ing towel.

F***ing hell.

I feel like my eyes have gonorrhoea.

(GRUNTlNG)

I won't put anything in my eyes, man.

MAN:
I don't think we should let him

put anything in his face.

-JASON:
Knox, do you want the water?

-No.

MAN:
Some gasoline.

JASON:
Spray you down?

JASON:
Dive in the pool.

(SPlTS)

JASON:
Would that stop an assailant?

JOHNNY:
That would stop

a f***ing freight train.

(BUZZlNG)

Charge!

(BUZZlNG)

(SCREAMS)

F***!

(SHUTTER CLlCKlNG)

(MOANS)

There's really no marks left.

That's where you got me.

JASON:
Do you want

to do that one again?

JOHNNY:
No.

Weren't you on 90210 not too long ago?

(SCREAMlNG)

F***ing hell!

No, quit. F***. No, Jas.

Jason, put it down.

I'm gonna kick your f***ing ass.

-JASON:
Here, do it to yourself.

-No... F***!

-Put it on top of your heart.

-That would hurt.

That one's been...

That was worse than the stun gun.

MAN:
lt'll get infected.

JASON:
Damn, I can't handle that.

MAN:
Yeah, that's pretty nasty.

(JOHNNY GROANS)

-JASON:
So what was more effective?

-The pepper spray is the worst by far.

Like, the stun gun, you get up again

-in a few seconds.

-JASON:
But it knocks you down.

And the Taser gun, yeah, that sucked.

MAN:
You guys want to go

watch it on the TV?

Ryan Dunn

is getting tar and feathered right now.

-BAM:
Hey, Ry.

-Yeah?

MAN:
Dunn got feathered.

WOMAN:
He got tarred and feathered.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

MAN:
Ryan, look at me. Ryan.

I got tarred and feathered. I thought this

only went on in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN:
Let's go, dude.

STEVE-O:
Okay, dude.

I'm gonna grab me some food

for the team.

WOMAN:
That's two medium Cokes,

small fries and cheeseburger.

MAN 1:
Yes.

MAN 2:
Go, go, go.

MAN 1:
Is there ketchup in there?

(WHlSTLE BLOWS)

Hi, I'm Preston. This is the human raft.

Could you guys roll me over?

(CHEERlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

CAMERAMAN:
Mount him.

You got to get on yourself.

MAN:
(SlNGlNG) Row, row, row your raft

Gently down the stream

My man.

(LAUGHlNG)

Oh, Man.

Come on.

This is your mother advising you

to get on him.

-Yeah, Mom is...

-My mom's telling me to get on a guy.

Yeah.

It's not too bad

being a human raft, huh, there, buddy?

There's always the fringe benefits.

-lt has its moments.

-Yeah.

Hi, I'm Chef Dave, and I'm gonna make

an omelette for you today.

There'll be no need for any knives.

I'm going to process all the food myself.

The ingredients are very important.

A variety of peppers.

Mushrooms are always good

for an omelette.

I'm so hungry.

You cannot forget the eggs

when you're making an omelette.

Today we're gonna make

a three-egg omelette.

Got a little bit of shell in there.

Don't want that. That'll cut you right up.

Always add a little bit of milk

for fluffiness.

And cheese. I'd suggest

medium cheddar cheese. It's good.

(BELCHES)

(MAN LAUGHlNG)

The final ingredient is the eggs.

(SNlCKERlNG)

(RETCHES)

(VOMlTlNG)

(COUGHS)

In this case,

I've only seemed

to bring back up the eggs.

Don't fret. All you do is just try again.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
No.

STEVE-O:
no, chuck the bottom up,

dude. You gotta.

Cooking is relaxing.

STEVE-O:
Any second now,

I'm about to...

MAN 1:
Biatch.

As you can see, the colours

are really blending together nicely.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
Just eat the shell, too,

you probably should.

-lt wasn't that bad at all.

-MAN 1:
He's got it.

(MAN EXCLAlMS)

I think we have enough

for our omelette today.

Next step is to add it to the skillet here.

(MAN CACKLES)

MAN 1:
Can you get us a close-up?

DAVE:
Like I said, a medium heat

is best. Can you smell that?

It's getting there.

It's getting there, that's for sure.

And there's not enough

to feed everybody,

but I would like to call one volunteer out

from the audience to try a little bit.

-Would anybody...

-STEVE-O:
I'd say I'm a little bit hungry.

DAVE:
All right, come on up here, man.

I think you're gonna really enjoy this.

MAN 1:
Yeah.

It's hot. It's hot, watch out.

You want to blow it off a little.

I bet it's really no big deal.

MAN 1:
Eat it. Chew. Chew.

MAN 2:
Swallow that.

MAN 1:
Chew.

MAN 2:
You got to swallow it. Swallow it.

-MAN 2:
You're being a sissy.

-Come on, I cooked that.

-MAN 1:
Come on, eat the whole thing.

-MAN 2:
No.

-I cooked that for you.

-MAN 2:
That's rude if you puke it up.

Don't... Do not.

I puke it up 'cause I'm cooking.

-MAN 2:
Eat more, dude.

-No, no.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
Hold on one second.

Don't do anything. Yeah, do it.

MAN 2:
Don't let Jeff's presence

deter you from puking.

(MAN EXCLAlMlNG)

I swear, dude,

it's not your omelette, dude.

It's just the idea of your omelette.

MAN 2:
Don't you puke on the chef.

Don't you puke on either of the chefs.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

I'm out of here, man. That's f***ed.

MAN 1:
Oh, my God, dude.

MAN 2:
Hey, Dunn, what's up?

WOMAN:
Oh, my God!

MAN 2:
Oh, my God!

Hey, my name's Chief Roberts,

and the only thing I love more

than messing around with horses

is messing around

with my cowboy friends.

(WHOOPlNG)

JOHNNY:
This is

the shockwave collar mike.

It's a fenceless dog collar,

and what happens is,

you put this around your neck,

and when you overstep the wire

boundaries, it administers a shock.

(SNlCKERlNG)

(BUZZlNG)

(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)

JEFF:
Did it work?

JOHNNY:
Okay, come here.

(BUZZlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

-Get it off. Get it off.

-JOHNNY:
(LAUGHlNG) Come here.

Now, Jeff and I and Pontius

have tried it out,

and we're going to convince Kosick

that this is a piece of audio equipment.

Unbeknownst to him,

he's gonna be shocked,

and probably pretty angry.

MAN:
Who should have the mike?

Who's gonna wear the mike?

I think Rick should wear it, because

Rick's gonna be the closest to you.

I think Rick's the...

JOHNNY:
I think you'll

have better sound.

JEFF:
Put the headphones on.

JOHNNY:
Yeah, put the headphones on.

-ls it really tight, though?

-It's tight, but it'll work better.

-Hold on.

-I don't hear nothing.

(BUZZlNG)

Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.

JEFF:
I'm sorry.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

JOHNNY:
Dude, that's an expensive...

That's an expensive piece of equipment.

-Stop. Stop. Stop.

-JOHNNY:
It's the PX-1.

Who wants some?

Knoxville?

-JOHNNY:
I had nothing to do with that.

-Yeah, right.

I really had nothing to do with that, Rick.

-That's bull...

-Nothing to do with that.

JOHNNY:
That was all Jeff's idea.

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