Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #2

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Your neck goes like this...

Like, just this crazy pain.

I don't wish upon any animal

to be wearing that stupid thing.

That's just pure torture.

Whoever invented it

should just be burned in hell.

-It's torture.

-MAN:
Are we out of here?

-What the...

-That one hurt.

MAN:
What's up, mister?

What's your name?

My name's Satan, and...

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

I should have stayed down in hell

where I belonged.

-Where are you now, Satan?

-I'm in California,

and there's a big problem with God here

in California. He's everywhere.

Keep God out of California.

Fire doesn't burn if you're already dead.

Keep God out of California.

Don't listen to these people.

They're liars. You might know of me

from that book that you read,

but those things

that were written about me aren't true.

For one thing,

God didn't invent circumcisions. I did.

Keep God out of California.

I'm not a bad guy.

All that stuff that they wrote about me

was a lie.

Jesus did not invent the circumcision.

I did. The devil himself.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

I'm actually a pretty nice guy

if you get to know me.

-God bless you.

-God didn't bless me.

He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Hi, girls.

-I'm the devil.

-Are you being sarcastic?

-What's that mean?

-No.

They threw me from heaven

'cause they were jealous

that I invented the circumcision.

God was spying on me

while I was in the bathroom,

and he took the idea from me.

If you read it... You can read about it

in Genesis 18, but it's a complete lie.

So I'm just here to clear my name.

I'm a nice man.

-F*** you, man.

-I'm a nice man, sir.

You want to f***ing die

right here, f***er?

Get the f*** out

of my f***ing sight, dude.

I came here...

Get the f*** out of my f***ing sight,

you motherf***er.

-That's not Christian.

-I'll f***ing murder your ass right here.

WOMAN:
Hey, stop!

Hey, hey, hey, b*tch.

Get the f*** off him.

Get the f*** off him.

MAN:
Get the f*** off him.

You crazy motherf***er.

CHRlS:
That's not

a Christian thing to do.

Psycho.

RYAN:
Whoa.

MAN:
Home run.

RYAN:
Watch out. Watch out.

MAN:
Sh*t!

BRlAN:
It's a 12-inch

diesel-powered chipper.

It's a 200-horsepower unit.

It feeds the material

in the back of this unit

and disperses it out the chute.

I'm Ryan Dunn, and I'm about

to have fun with the woodchipper.

BAM:
Hey, Ryan,

doesn't that look familiar?

I think he's trying to say

I got a small wiener.

Strawberry milk.

Let's try something mellow first.

(GRlNDlNG)

What are these? Gross.

He's gonna hate this.

Dude, the squid hurt so much worse

than anything else.

RYAN:
What was that?

MAN:
It was the frozen turkey.

Oh, my God. Look at that.

That just came out of my head.

BAM:
Dude, you smell like hot trash.

(SNlCKERlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(GROANS)

MAN:
Dude, I'm sorry.

-Hi, I'm Steve-O.

-And I'm Ehren,

and we're here downtown

'cause we're the best damn

football players ever to hit the city.

-Yeah, no more JV for us.

-No way, baby.

We're hitting the street, yeah!

(STEPHANlE CHEERS)

STEPHANlE:
Touchdown.

(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)

WOMAN:
Oh, my goodness.

EHREN:
Fumble!

STEPHANlE:
Touchdown.

Go blue and red, yeah!

(STEPHANlE WHOOPS)

Hey, do you know where this place,

like, the Pink Flamingo...

(GROANS)

EHREN:
Is this where

the valet parking's at?

I just got done with a game.

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
Move forward.

MAN 2:
Look at the steam.

MAN 1:
There's a foot of turd hanging

out of your ass. That's disgusting.

MAN 1:
That's sickening.

MAN 3:
Sh*t, here comes the deuce.

MAN 1:
Wait, let me shoot pool.

MAN 1:
That's disgusting.

Dude, wipe your ass.

MAN 2:
It's steaming.

MAN 3:
It was f***ing steaming.

Steamed dumplings.

MAN 1:
It's so cold out,

I can almost crack this.

MAN 2:
That was disgusting.

That was so sick.

(SlNGlNG)

Hi, Oompa Loompa.

Thanks, buddy.

-My name is Richard.

-Richard?

MAN 1:
Put some sh*t on his nose.

MAN 2:
F*** this...

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN 1:
Dude, you...

MAN 2:
I was trying to get in on the party.

So we're in Knoxville, Tennessee,

outside of Eddie's Auto Parts.

Now, the owner is a friend

of my father's named Eddie Harvey.

He's got a really short temper,

and we're gonna send Dimitry in there

with a Russian accent

to see how long it takes him to get hot.

DlMlTRY:
Who is Eddie? I need help.

-DlMlTRY:
You Eddie?

-You need a tape?

DlMlTRY:
No, I need help, we say.

My car, she break, down street.

You want the mechanic?

DlMlTRY:
No. Eddie.

MAN:
That's Eddie.

DlMlTRY:
Who's Eddie? You're Eddie?

I need spark plug or something.

-DlMlTRY:
How much?

-I ain't charging you nothing.

I said I was gonna give it to you.

DlMlTRY:
I need more.

What if break again?

-One, one to a customer.

-DlMlTRY:
Come on, you give me free,

but it's free headache.

I got $1, but I need more than one.

I give you $4 for two.

You give me three more dollars

or you're...out of luck.

DlMlTRY:
I have rubles.

You take rubles? I bring you dollars.

DlMlTRY:
Dude, he didn't get mad at all.

-Nothing happened.

-What did he say?

He was gonna let me walk out of there

with four spark plugs for $1.

Go back in and try to get him hotter.

DlMlTRY:
Okay, I find money.

You give me spark plug.

I need... You sell engine?

Maybe new engine I need.

Yeah, well, I don't know what you need.

I can't understand. I'm not...

Hell, I can't understand nothing

but the damn English language.

I don't know nothing about...

(DlMlTRY SPEAKlNG RUSSlAN)

It won't start, hell, put some gas in it.

You're probably out of gas.

-DlMlTRY:
Okay, give me some gas.

-What have you been used to,

running a damn bicycle,

riding a bicycle all the time?

-DlMlTRY:
No, it's car, four wheels.

-Hell, when you get in a car,

-you got to put gas in them.

-DlMlTRY:
Okay, give me gas...

-Pound, one pound of gas.

-Gas don't come by the...damn pound.

It comes by the gallon.

You want a gallon of gas...

-What is it? You want a gallon of gas...

-DlMlTRY:
I need to go 50 kilometres.

How much gas I need?

(PHONE RlNGS)

Pick up phone. I pick up.

Hello, Eddie Auto. How I help you?

I sue you.

MAN:
Well, get

your ass out of here, then.

A dead man can't sue nobody.

DlMlTRY:
What you talk, "A dead man"?

Where you going?

-A dead man can't sue you for nothing...

-DlMlTRY:
Come on, help me.

What, you gonna hit me?

You can't hit me.

I'm gonna hit you, by God, if you stand

right there where I can reach you.

DlMlTRY:
Here, reach me. You can't

hit me. You can't hit me, come on.

-You need to help me with car.

-Put your damn hand out there.

-DlMlTRY:
You're too slow.

-Put it out there.

DlMlTRY:
Hello, Eddie, Eddie.

Help me, Eddie.

I sit on chair till you come start car.

-No, a chair, I need chair.

-Get your ass out of here.

DlMlTRY:
No, I need... I take this chair.

-...damn it.

-I need chair.

-Get the...out of here.

-I need chair.

-I'm not...

-I need chair.

-You little...

-Start car. I take bat.

-Now, get out the damn door.

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