Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #3

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-I need start car.

-Get out the door!

-Who are you? You're not Eddie.

I call police on you,

Eddie and no-name friend.

-Get the hell out of here.

-DlMlTRY:
I need you start my car.

You start my car.

Come on.

You start car.

Come on, what, you gonna get me?

You stupid son of a b*tch.

You want me to come down there?

Hi, I'm Steve-O.

I'm somewhere in Louisiana.

Right now, I'm about

to get my ass kicked by crawfish.

MAN 1:
How bad do these hurt

when they get a good pinch on you?

MAN 2:
Well, depends on

if you get one like that one.

MAN 2:
See how its claw's like that?

STEVE-O:
Whoa, dude, yeah.

We didn't feed them for three days,

so they'd be hungry.

MAN 1:
That's gonna feel kind of funny

going down your pants.

It's not gonna get worse, dude.

This is probably gonna be the equivalent

of doing a Pete Rose slide

through fricking thorn bushes.

MAN 3:
See, that's about what they do.

They really don't let go.

MAN 1:
That thing's gonna kill you.

And this is the crawfish diaper.

MAN 1:
And some in the front.

Are they biting?

(SCREAMS)

Where? Where's he biting?

He's clamped on to my butt cheek, dude.

(SCREAMlNG CONTlNUES)

Okay, I think I'm done, man.

MAN 1:
They almost bit you

on Your Name, dude. What do you think?

I think that sucked.

As soon as Kosick

comes out of the pharmacy,

he's gonna get antiqued by Ehren.

Bastard's on crutches, too.

RlCK:
F***.

MAN:
He's so pissed.

-He's just so angry.

-Can't turn your f***ing face

for one second.

MAN:
Oh, my God.

EHREN:
I just got to do...

I just got to do... I...

Going to play a little golf today.

MAN:
Hey, bub. Hey, no, no, no, no.

JOHNNY:
One second, one second.

I'm swinging.

MAN 1:
Hey, bub.

Hey, bub, you've gotta take

them golf clubs and them balls

-and go somewhere else.

-Well, I got to practise my shots.

Then you're gonna have

to go somewhere else to do it.

-The driving range isn't open today.

-Well, this is not a driving range, bub.

This is a miniature golf course.

Well, I know,

but I got to practise my swings.

-Hey, bub, hey.

-Watch out, watch out, watch out!

-Here, you need to...

-No, no, no, those are expensive clubs.

-You need to take these clubs...

-Just let me finish my game.

-No, bub.

-I got three holes left.

-No, bub.

-I got three holes left.

I don't care if you got 33 left, okay?

You need to take your clubs and go.

-Just a couple more shots.

-Hey, bub.

Just a couple more shots.

If I have to,

I'm gonna call the law on you, bub.

I haven't done anything.

Hooked it. You made me hook it.

Watch out.

I don't want to swing with you here.

I don't want you to get hit.

Here, wait. Wait.

I don't want you to get hit.

-Hey.

-Wait. Wait. Wait. Watch out. Fore!

MAN 2:
Hey, watch it!

-Bub, I got the clubs.

-Here, let me have my clubs.

-Let's go.

-Come on.

-Let's go.

-Oh, here, good.

-Hey.

-Wait. Wait. Wait.

-Stand back. Stand back.

-Hey, bub, hey!

-Stand back! Fore!

-Hey!

-Come on, let me have my clubs.

-Can't do that here, bub.

Come on, those are my expensive clubs.

-Well, come on...

-My mom gave me those clubs.

Hey, you need to take these and go.

-Come on, let's go.

-Come on, just let me finish my round.

I got eight balls left.

-Buddy, you cannot do that here.

-Come on, I got eight balls left.

Just one more time.

Bub, you can't hit

the golf clubs over there.

It's a golf course. It says a golf course.

It's for this

little miniature golf course, bub.

-It's not to hit way over yonder, okay?

-God.

-Come on.

-Are you gonna charge me a caddy fee?

-MAN:
Hurt?

-What?

-Yes.

-MAN:
It's funny.

God, no!

MAN 1:
Too hard?

God, these emus are going around.

They're breeding like rabbits

and they're killing people.

A lot of nature hosts try to have

more of a Zen thing with the animals.

Not me.

I want to prove to these guys

that I am stronger than them.

I'm faster.

I've got greater animal instincts.

And I myself am an animal.

-He's looking at me.

-MAN:
He likes you, boy.

CHRlS:
The tips of their claws

contain a poison

most scientists compare to the sting

of 1, 000 black widows,

and you're looking at an animal

with two or three toes. I don't know.

I mean, that's a lot of black widows.

You do the math.

The best time to catch an emu

is when he's freaked out.

-That's when he'll put up a decent fight.

-MAN 2:
Well, then, don't run after him.

There it is. There it is! You got him.

You got him. You got him.

Open the gate.

CHRlS:
You got to show these animals...

MAN 2:
Lock him in! You're the boss!

CHRlS:
...that you are the boss,

and, you know,

maybe if you feel attracted to them,

you could get

a little pleasure from them.

I'm not gonna do that right now, all right.

MAN 1:
Yeah, emu hunter.

MAN 2:
The emu hunter.

Nice job, dude. That's good.

-Have you done that before?

-Yeah, they're pretty mellow.

-They're not too bad, dude.

-That wasn't bad at all.

Well, that was the most intense thing

I've done in years.

Hey, we're gonna do the milk challenge,

and we're gonna try to drink

a gallon of milk in one hour

or, actually, as fast as we can.

Kristin is on white milk,

I'm on brown milk,

and Ehren is on pink milk.

Cheers.

Yummy.

-How does it taste?

-My stomach's starting to reject it.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

(GROANS)

Damn it.

How did you drink that much milk

and you're not puking?

-She's gonna do it.

-EHREN:
It's impossible.

MAN:
I don't think so.

Isn't it cold?

Is yours cold when it comes up?

Mine was, like, ice cold when it...

It's the weirdest feeling,

puking cold puke.

-I gotta take a sh*t pretty bad.

-So do l.

I'm gonna poop.

Oh, my God.

MAN:
Show me

the empty container. Yeah.

MAN:
Gross.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

DAVE:
Dude, you missed the bucket.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

STEVE-O:
Yeah, dude.

-MAN:
Johnny, what happened?

-I twisted my ankle a little bit yesterday.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville

and I'm going to get an x-ray.

I'm Mary Lynn, the volunteer.

I was trying to jump a river

on a pair of roller skates.

-DOCTOR:
Stay just like this.

-So the show's going good so far.

(CLANGlNG)

MAN:
What are you doing?

DOCTOR:
You've got

quite a sprain there,

and you've got a lot of healing to do.

-Okay.

-So we'll put you in an air splint here,

see if you can tolerate that.

We'll put you on crutches.

I'll copy your x-rays for you,

and I don't think you're doing stunts

for several weeks.

My name's Bunny,

and I'm the lifeguard here at the river,

and although Mr Knoxville

is a professional skater,

he's not a professional swimmer,

and my job is to make sure

that guy doesn't get himself killed.

My name is Johnny Knoxville,

and today I'm gonna jump the LA river

on roller skates.

JOHNNY:
Help me! Help!

CHRlS:
Buddy, I got you.

Okay, I'm gonna try and jump it again

without the ramp.

JOHNNY:
Oh, man,

I might have broke my ankle.

That guy right there is the best damn

roller skater there ever was.

Maybe in the whole town.

I'm...

I think my ankle's broke.

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