Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #4

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If that jump costed him his career,

I don't know who's gonna step forward

to fill his skates.

I'll tell you that much right now.

-I almost made it.

-You were close on that second one.

You were about 5 feet short.

You were about 5 feet short

of a 10-feet jump.

I'm with Raab Himself,

and he's gonna be biking his naked ass

down the middle of High Street.

-Forward or back?

-CAMERAMAN:
Back.

Okay.

I like to call this one "Hand Off."

Can you guys come here?

I was just jacking up my car,

and it fell on my hand.

(SCREAMlNG)

EHREN:
It's not going anywhere.

Hey, hold on. I got my keys.

They're right... I think I locked them

in the car right there.

No, ma'am, it's okay.

I think we're gonna get it here.

I think we'll get it. No, it's just... It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

(EHREN SCREAMlNG)

MAN 1:
Pop the jack underneath.

MAN 2:
I don't know where the...

MAN 1:
Okay, we're gonna do

a concentrated lift right now.

EHREN:
He's got the jack. He's got it.

Can you rub my back a little?

(EHREN SCREAMlNG)

MAN 1:
Call 911.

EHREN:
No, no, please, don't call 911.

EHREN:
I know...

MAN 2:
Breathe deep, buddy.

MAN 2:
Take it easy. Take it easy.

MAN 1:
I just made bubbles.

I think we're all in agreement.

For five minutes, anything goes.

What happens underwater

stays underwater.

MAN 1:
Gentlemen, start your engines.

MAN 2:
Gentlemen, start your engines.

Don't get the raging hard-on in here.

I'm Raab Himself,

and this is skeet shooting.

MAN:
Pull.

(PAlNTBALL GUNS FlRlNG)

I got hit on my ankle.

Did you see how fast I was running?

I was like a cheetah.

Someone got me in the head.

WOMAN:
Huge welts.

RAAB:
...damn, that hurt.

RAAB:
Nobody hit the bull's-eye.

MAN 1:
Get the rest of it.

CAMERAMAN:
Whose shirt is that?

MAN 2:
Pontius'.

MAN 1:
Get the rest of it.

MAN 2:
Yeah,

make sure you get the rest of it.

CAMERAMAN:
Oh, sh*t.

Four minutes left on tape, but oh, sh*t.

MAN 1:
You can't...

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Oh, sh*t.

X-Y. X-Y.

-Hey, while we're being idiots...

-CAMERAMAN:
Come on, run up on it.

MAN 1:
Sh*t. Sh*t.

-Oh, my...

-Yeah!

Hi, I'm Steve-O,

and this is extreme unicycling.

(SCREAMlNG)

Let's do it.

MAN:
Dude. There he is!

MAN:
Whoa, my man is on.

He's cool. I like him.

I'll be watching Jackass.

It hurt me.

I knew I was completely finished

when I did the cement slide.

That's so special.

Can I get

the Lard Na vegetarian, please?

Okay.

Okay, great.

No.

-Excuse me, sir?

-Yes?

I ordered a vegetarian dish,

and there's some kind of sausage in it.

WAlTER:
Really?

Look at that. There's more there.

Really? Let me see.

-Smell that. It smells horrible.

-Very hot.

It... This was in my... It looks like poo.

What, that one?

-WAlTER:
Yeah, bean... It's a bean.

-WOMAN:
Bean?

-This is a bean?

-WAlTER:
Yeah.

-Let me try, okay? I don't know...

-What kind of bean is this?

Is this, like,

an Arkansas-type steamer bean or...

WAlTER:
Sometimes the...

It's, like, one of these things?

Yeah, and that... That...

They put the whole thing.

I don't know what he got.

-That's a pretty big bean.

-WAlTER:
Yeah.

-Sorry... Didn't see it before.

-That's all right. That's okay.

Did you figure out

what was on that plate?

I can't figure it out what is that, but we...

JOHNNY:
It was a bean curd...

No, yeah, don't... Yeah.

WOMAN:
Somebody put it inside it.

We never cook like that.

Never ever happened like that before.

Nothing fell out

when you leaned over or anything?

-Never.

-Never. Never.

JOHNNY:
Okay, you guys have

a good night.

-WAlTRESS:
Hello.

-Hi, how are you?

Do you have a vegetable noodle dish?

WAlTRESS:
You don't want meat, right?

JOHNNY:
Yes, no meat.

This looks good. Thank you.

WAlTRESS:
We have Cantonese, too.

-Excuse me, ma'am?

-WAlTRESS:
Yes?

I ordered a vegetarian dish.

Can you get the manager for me?

This looks like it has sausage in it.

-WAlTRESS:
What is that?

-I don't know, but it smells.

WAlTRESS:
I don't know

where it come from.

-What is that?

-ls that bok choy?

WAlTRESS:
I don't know?

What is that, like, a...

MAN:
No, no, no, no.

WAlTRESS:
Let me see.

No, no, no. What? What?

No, no, that's my newspaper.

-WAlTRESS:
Yeah, I know, let me see.

-That's my private property.

-WAlTRESS:
Please let me see.

-I'm feeling very cornered.

I'm feeling very cornered.

-WAlTRESS:
No, if you let me see...

-No, I'm feeling very cornered.

No, there's your money.

-There's your money.

-WAlTRESS:
I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, my God.

Come on now. Come on now.

Let's go to the sporting goods store

and play a little basketball.

(EHREN BLOWS WHlSTLE)

Game on. Jump ball.

Ready?

(BLOWlNG WHlSTLE)

RlCK:
Foul, foul.

EHREN:
That's a penalty.

(BLOWS WHlSTLE)

MAN:
All right, that's enough.

I don't want you in here.

You either get out of here,

or I'm gonna do something

with that whistle

you're not gonna appreciate,

so please leave the store.

-This is...

-MAN:
I want you out of the store.

Now. Now.

EHREN:
We've got a serious game

of one-on-one.

MAN:
Seriously, get out of here.

Get out of here, now.

I'm serious, get out.

-Where's the ball?

-Out.

-DAVE:
Ball?

-We got no ball.

-All right, that's game. Good game.

-Thanks.

-You guys got any water here?

-No, let's go.

CAMERAMAN:
Hey, where's next?

New game.

(BLOWS WHlSTLE)

(LAUGHlNG)

MAN:
Go!

Oh, my God!

-CAMERAMAN:
Are you okay?

-ls it broken, though?

CAMERAMAN:
I don't know.

It looks all right. Oh, my God.

Hi, I'm Party Boy,

and this is extreme jacuzziing.

(STEVE-O GROANS)

-Good morning.

-Hi.

Wait. You cannot come in like that.

-Go out.

-What?

You cannot...

Go put on your pants. Go out.

-What... Can I just get some water?

-No, you can't.

-Please? I'm super thirsty.

-Go put... No!

-It's super hot outside.

-No, no, no, no. No, you can't.

Go put your pants on.

-I just... The water is right here.

-I don't care. Go out.

Excuse you.

Excuse you. Go out.

-I have to leave?

-Yes.

-No water?

-Put your pants on.

-Excuse me, go out.

-Okay, okay.

-Shame on you. Go, go, go out.

-Okay. I'm sorry. No water? Please?

-No water.

-Please?

Put your pants on, then come in.

You gotta wear pants.

She's freaking out. I don't know.

CASHlER:
I can't believe that!

WOMAN:
And where am l

branding you? Really?

We're rocking and rolling, okay?

(EXHALES)

All right, and like I said,

I'm not gonna give you a count.

(EXCLAlMS lN PAlN)

(GROANS)

Okay, good trouper.

Good trouper.

Shoot, we got a... What about...

Do we need to connect the dot there?

-We're gonna go in with this.

-So we're not done.

WOMAN:
Okay.

(STlFLED GROANS)

Okay.

-I can really...

-CAMERAMAN:
I can smell you.

-Yeah.

-WOMAN:
We can smell you.

You don't smell as bad as some,

though, for sure.

-Okay, so you're branded.

-Right on. Let's party.

(ALL LAUGH)

-Crap.

-MAN:
Oh, my God.

Are you okay? Are you all right?

Just give me a second. Just don't...

Don't touch me.

F***.

I just pissed my pants.

Dude, that's disgusting.

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