Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #5

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(LAUGHlNG) Man. Sick! No!

(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)

So we're here in merry old England,

and Mr Pontius and l

overdid it a little last night,

and we're about to practise rugby

with the London lrish,

a professional rugby team.

I do not feel good.

They're pretty big boys.

CAMERAMAN:
You get kicked

in the head a lot.

Baby's cold.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and this is rugby.

-CAMERAMAN:
How's it going so far?

-Good.

This guy's crazy.

MAN:
Don't fall.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God,

that's a piece of crap.

Yeah, Dave.

Hi, I'm Steve-O, and I'm about

to get run over by an airboat.

(MONKEY CHATTERlNG)

(WOMEN SCREAMlNG)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(MAN YELLS)

MAN:
Holy...

BARTENDER:
Get the hell out of here!

What's up, dawg?

What's going on, man?

What you doing out here

doing this for, man?

Ain't nothing like a drunk monkey, man.

...damn.

(HORSE NElGHlNG)

I'm Rick Kosick. I'm a wild buck,

and I smell a little doe in heat.

(LAUGHlNG)

JOHNNY:
What did you put on me?

-Get up!

-What is that?

JOHNNY:
You're f***ing naked!

You're f***ing naked!

I am so defenceless.

Get off of me.

CAMERAMAN:
Let's hear that horsey.

Let's see it.

Make the horsey go. Wait, wait, wait.

Make the horsey go, Rick.

Dude, you heard the...

I hit my head pretty hard.

I'm Ehren McGhehey,

and this is the fire extinguisher.

-CAMERAMAN:
Are you all right?

-lt went in my mouth.

Oh, my God.

JOHNNY:
This is Rene Hoffman.

He owns

the Orlando Watersports Complex here,

where I'm gonna hopefully

be wakeboarding there today.

I'm very uncoordinated.

I can't even get up on a wakeboard

or skis up until this point in my life.

-Do you think you can get me up today?

-Well, we have even girls out here

-that do it, so...

-Are you calling me a girl?

CAMERAMAN:
What's gonna happen

to Knoxville when he does it?

Either he'll go really far and eat sh*t,

or he won't go very far

and smash into the jump and eat sh*t.

-Either way he's eating sh*t?

-Yep.

I'm Johnny Knoxville.

I'm about to do some wakeboarding.

Sh*t!

Today we're gonna have

a pie-eating contest.

I'm gonna determine

whether the pie is done,

and you can put your hand on the pan,

but not on the pie,

and when you're finished,

you have to say "Ryan Dunn."

(BLOWS WHlSTLE)

Keep going, fat boy.

He's done it.

Ryan Dunn.

You're full of sh*t, bro.

MAN 1:
I just jacked you up, man.

Guys, I'm in the mood for another one.

PHlL:
Who the hell did that?

Phil is officially the winner.

He ate five pies.

Phil's the winner.

MAN 2:
We've got a winner.

(GROANlNG)

-What's his name?

-Bam-Bam.

-Bam-Bam?

-Yeah.

Bam-Bam still has his claws, I see.

-How much does Bam-Bam weigh?

-MAN 1:
He's close to 500 right now.

When he wrestles,

the more rambunctious you get,

the more rambunctious he'll get.

If I grabbed his bear...,

do you think he would attack?

I think he'd be very upset.

(GROWLS)

Just so you know,

when male bears fight each other,

-that's where they do go for.

-JOHNNY:
They go for the goods?

-MAN 1:
That's where they go.

-Do we have a cup?

MAN 1:
You need this?

MAN 2:
Not that one.

MAN 2:
No? All right.

My name's Johnny Knoxville,

and this is bear wrestling.

Hi. How are you?

(GROWLlNG)

(JOHNNY GROANS)

MAN 1:
Try to get up, John.

You can get up, come on.

JOHNNY:
I can't

put any weight on my back.

MAN 1:
Easy.

MAN 2:
Easy, buddy.

MAN 1:
That didn't look

like you were trying...

JOHNNY:
(GROANS) My neck.

MAN 1:
Take your hand away.

Move your hand.

Keep your hands away from him.

Use your elbows.

JOHNNY:
He's all right, right now.

He tried to break my neck that time.

MAN 1:
Okay, Bam, that's it.

Good boy. Good boy.

John, come on, get up.

He tried to snap my neck

a couple of times.

Yeah, he was trying to...

'Cause he would...

He was smart.

He'd get a grip and just rip.

CAMERAMAN:
Barge it.

(ROARlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

(PRESTON WHlSTLlNG)

(WEE MAN MAKES BABY NOlSES)

See the duckies?

Sorry, baby!

I'm sorry, little baby.

-That thing hurts.

-It's okay. It's okay, come on.

(CHUCKLlNG)

PRESTON:
Come on, baby,

you want some? I didn't think so.

MAN:
Hey, do you want to roll

down this hill real quick?

-No.

-MAN:
Come on, dude. You'll make it.

-Just go look at it, dude.

-I can see it right here.

No, no, go...

Go up there and check it out.

-I don't want to get rolled down a hill.

-Why not?

-Because I said I don't.

-Did you even look at it?

-No, but I don't need to.

-Why not?

-Because I don't need to.

-You don't want to do something

that might look good on TV?

You don't want to do that?

Okay, then, I thought... Never mind.

Let's go, come on.

Don't be mad, dude.

I just wanted to get something funny.

-Well, I didn't want...

-You don't think that would be funny?

-Yeah, but I don't want to do it.

-ls this shoot over?

Yeah, what did you want out of it?

We got whatever, you know?

-Are you mad?

-At you.

-Why?

-Because you're an a**hole.

Why?

Come on, dude, don't be mad.

I'm good already, all right?

I'm already scraped up. I feel fine.

-You're scraped up? Let me see.

-All right, and my... So, cool.

This was the stupidest thing ever.

All right, so good.

-I'm done with it.

-You don't look done.

MAN:
What would you prefer?

WOMAN:
Is there meat

in the second one?

No, there isn't meat in the second one,

but the first one is totally made of meat.

Good God!

Thank you for your time.

(SlREN WAlLlNG)

(CHATTER OVER RADlO)

We're here in Buckingham, England,

with the Devil's Horsemen,

and we're about to have

the gladiator duels.

-Yeah!

-Let's get it on.

First action,

you go on the chariots, okay?

JOHNNY:
Okay.

Chariots come in.

You come... You be there.

Let them there, you be there.

Master shot, they come in,

they pass through. We stop here.

When we stop here...

CAMERAMAN:
What the hell's

he talking about?

-This guy's a nut.

-...each other. All right?

-Okay.

-Okay.

Did you understand

anything he just said?

CAMERAMAN:

I didn't understand a word.

JOHNNY:
Mercy! Mercy! Spare me!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

-Come on, kill me. Kill me.

-MAN:
Look at that.

Come on, Steve-O.

You got it.

Oh, my God.

That is so...

Where's your... Where's your bike?

(STEVE-O RETCHlNG)

MAN 1:
Where's your bike?

CAMERAMAN:
What do you think

motivates this guy?

God, if you're going to be dumb,

you better be tough.

MAN 2:
Where's the unicycle?

MAN 3:
You need the unicycle.

MAN 2:
Dude, go get it.

MAN 3:
Now you got to get back in

and get the unicycle.

Have you smelt that? It's poop.

MAN 2:
Be careful.

JOHNNY:
Holy... Look at his chin!

Oh, my God.

How did the unicycle stunt look?

This is Mike, our alligator wrangler.

-How you all doing out there?

-He's gonna be with us today.

We're gonna take this dead alligator

and go have some fun with it.

-Did it die from natural causes or...

-Yeah.

-That's good.

-Killed by another alligator.

-As natural as it gets.

-Notice the lifelike movement of the tail.

Let's go do it.

WOMAN:
I'm sorry.

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