Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #6

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He's carrying a dead crocodile.

He's lost his mind.

CAMERAMAN:
I know. It's funny.

WOMAN:
He's crazy!

And why didn't you take a picture of it?

Excuse me. Watch out, sir. Watch out.

Watch out. Watch out.

Here, you want to pet it? Here, pet it.

Pet it. Pet it. Pet it. Pet it.

He's gonna hit me with the chair.

If you want, you can pet it.

You want to pet it?

Here, just try it. Come here!

You guys may want to step back

just a hair.

It's asleep.

You guys can pet it if you want.

-No, no, no, no.

-No?

Watch out. Watch out. Watch out.

You want to pet it?

F***, no.

You can touch it.

Gotcha!

(SCREAMS)

Ma'am, do you want to pet it? You sure?

It's asleep. It's in a sleep state. All right.

JOHNNY:
Oh, God! Oh, God!

Do you want to pet it?

Here, want to pet it?

Here, you guys want to pet it? Come on!

Watch out.

-Yeah, can you guys resurrect it?

-Yeah.

Hey, Jamie, they're gonna resurrect it.

They're going to perform a resurrection.

WOMAN:
In Jesus' name...

Dude, this sucks.

CAMERAMAN:
The fact that you don't

skate isn't gonna make this pretty.

-Good job out there.

-Thanks.

Go hit the showers after this.

CAMERAMAN:
Dude, you shouldn't

do this. You can't even stand...

You can't even stand up on that thing.

You shouldn't do this.

Why don't you go down,

practise a little bit down there,

and then come up here?

MAN 1:
No, just do it, Johnny.

MAN 2:
Yeah, just do it.

MAN 1:
Don't let him

talk you out of it, man.

ALL:
One, two, three!

(WHOOPlNG)

(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)

(CHRlS WHOOPlNG)

Chief Roberts coming back

from the grave.

(WHOOPlNG)

(ALL GROANlNG)

STEVE-O:
The chances of this working

are so minimal.

-CAMERAMAN:
Later, dude.

-See you later.

God, God.

Listen, you little b*tch, you little b*tch.

-CAMERAMAN:
What are you gonna do?

-I'm gonna try to make it in the hole.

Ready?

I'm Steve-O,

and I'm about to go get cursed.

The only time I've ever heard of it

is when people make dolls

of other people

so they can torture them.

WOMAN:
Clarify your mind.

Don't worry about voodoo.

I've been banging myself up a lot

doing stunts,

and I think I need some healing.

Well, I guess you're being...

Then you're baptised, and...

Yeah, let me get baptised in my bikini.

There.

She has her way.

So this is... This is a baptism here?

Well, with the serpent.

-A baptism with a serpent.

-Yeah.

The only time I've ever heard of it

is when people make dolls

of other people

so they can torture them.

Being tortured

was the first state of humanity.

Bang-bang-bang myself,

and, yeah, it brings about great reality.

Oh, yeah, banging myself

brings about a great reality.

Is voodoo generally a violent industry?

You're supposed to jump up.

-See if you can get me in the butt.

-He loves the butt whip.

(MOANS)

-He's supposed to be jumping up.

-Yeah, that was a good one.

The whip take away all negativity,

bring order.

The whip brings order.

We're removing the negativity

with the whip.

Crawl around. Come around.

Yeah, really give it to me.

No.

Oh, yeah, that was a good one.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

This whip doesn't play.

(GROANS)

-Yeah, that was a good one.

-Oh, my God.

Yeah, there we go.

-CAMERAMAN:
Are the bad spirits gone?

-Yeah, I think the bad spirits are gone.

Do you know

of any little markets around?

-Markets?

-Yeah.

What kind of markets?

(FARTlNG NOlSES)

-Like, you go down to La Cienega.

-Do I make a left or right at La Cienega?

Let's see, you make a left.

(FARTlNG NOlSES CONTlNUE)

What are you doing? Go away.

-CAMERAMAN:
What happened?

-I don't know. He told me to go away.

He was, like, leaving farts.

-CAMERAMAN:
He what?

-Hello, I'm eating. That's rude.

We're off Regent Street

in merry old England,

and we're about to play a little soccer.

-MAN 1:
Football.

-Soccer.

-Football.

-Soccer.

Would you like to try a shot on goal?

Who's gonna try it?

Oh, sh*t. Throw me my ball.

Whoever gets a goal on me

gets to have a proper shag with me

around the corner.

Come on, governor.

Get it out.

Get that out of here!

Okay, here, we've got a professional.

Where'd that go?

For f***'s sake, give me a proper shot.

Not bad for a...Yankee.

All right, here we go.

MAN 2:
Just shoot it.

(ALL CHEERlNG)

-What's that?

-Just watch the window, yeah?

Well, game to the United States.

-We got shut down.

-One more, one more.

We got shut down.

You know, I used to board slide

and come off over here.

Is this the immigration office?

(WOMAN SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

I'm coming from a little bit

farther south than Mexico,

but I'm gonna need

some immigration service.

I'm gonna have to stay here for a while,

and I want to do it legally, by the books.

-Okay.

-CHRlS:
You got any paperwork for me?

-Yeah, I do.

-CHRlS:
All right.

-Have a seat.

-CHRlS:
Don't be scared, miss.

I'm actually a nice guy.

I do sometimes get up to the devil's

business every now and then, though.

I'm Brandon, this is Bam,

and we're gonna have ourselves

a little cockfight out on the ice.

CAMERAMAN:
Yo, yo, why don't you get

back here, you little hat-trick-ass b*tch?

Get your ass over here.

I seen you in the red circle!

That's offside!

That's offside, you little...

You have something wrong with you?

Come on, bring it in here.

Bring it on!

Yeah, b*tch!

MAN 1:
The Wee Man.

MAN 2:
Yeah, yeah.

Ho, ho, ho, can I get 100 pieces

of chicken and 100 Cokes to go?

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Santa's got a lot of damn chicken.

-Okay, bye-bye, merry Christmas.

-Thank you, Blanca.

Thank you, senor. Thank you, Carlos.

Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas,

little boys and girls.

Fried chicken and Cokes.

Merry Christmas.

-All right, thank you, thank you.

-Hey, merry Christmas.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

-Here we go.

-MAN:
Wait, don't rush.

It's good.

JOHNNY:
Come on, now.

There's enough for everybody.

Here we go!

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.

What do you want for Christmas?

-Say a Barbie doll.

-A Barbie doll?

-Merry Christmas.

-WOMAN:
Say, "Thank you."

-MAN:
Say, "Merry Christmas."

-JOHNNY:
All right,

-what would you want, little girl?

-I wanted to tell you...

-You want to hug Santa like...

-No, I want a Barbie doll.

Okay, you get a Barbie doll, little girl.

-Can I have a turtle, too?

-You can have a turtle.

-That's all I want.

-All right,

-and a half a pint of...

-All I want is a turtle.

Okay, a turtle, a turtle.

Hey, Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!

(MEN CHUCKLlNG)

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

(GROANS)

WOMAN:
Oh, my God.

MAN 1:
Oh, my God!

MAN 2:
I'm okay.

Hello, I am Pontius the Barbarian,

and today

we are at this Renaissance fair

to do some dragon slaying.

Hey, wenches.

-MAN:
Ouch.

-They're royalty.

Not a problem.

Out of my way, old man.

Sir, I am a knight of this realm

in an era where,

if you shall insult a friend of mine

by calling him an old man,

you shall speak unto me,

and I shall speak harshly to you,

and my word shall carry more weight

than your armour.

-CHRlS:
Could I trouble you for a...

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