Jackass: The Lost Tapes Page #7

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-Do not insult yourself

with your lack of intelligence

and your ignorance.

Could I trouble you for a kiss, sir?

Hey, can I try some of those grapes?

Why, thank you.

Those aren't real.

Can I have some of that turkey?

Stop it, you little brats.

Hear ye, hear ye.

I'd like to give a demonstration

on how you kill a dragon.

The first thing you gotta remember

is the mouth.

These guys can breathe fire,

so stay away from it.

Look at the dragon!

Baby dragon! Baby dragon!

Kill him with your bow.

Get the baby dragon! Get him, come on!

Slay the baby dragon!

Slay the dragon!

Kill the baby dragon!

Kill that dragon!

-Kill that little dirty bastard!

-Get him!

MAN 1:
Beheaded the dragon!

MAN 2:
Oh, my God.

-He's dead.

-MAN 3:
Bring out your dead.

Oh, my God. What the hell?

Sweet.

-Hi, I'm Rick Kosick.

-I'm Johnny Knoxville.

This is urban sledding.

(JOHNNY GROANS)

That hurt.

Look at my...

Is that my skidmark from my jacket?

JOHNNY:
Let's try it down steps.

-JOHNNY:
What time is it?

-It's time to go home, man.

(LAUGHlNG)

RYAN:
Dude, that smells so...bad.

Let me see this.

You're gonna get it all wet,

then we've gotta wait

-for it to dry anyway.

-I'm not gonna get it wet.

-You're gonna pour it on me.

-I am not.

(RYAN EXCLAlMlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

Where you guys going tonight?

Home.

-Home? Why home?

-It's the place to be.

Why are you guys going...

Can I go with you?

(WOMEN CHUCKLlNG)

WOMAN 2:
Hello, hello, hello.

RYAN:
Come on, come on, come on.

RYAN:
Just a little one.

WOMAN 2:
All right...

WOMAN 3:
What is that smell?

That smells.

WOMAN 3:
What is it?

RYAN:
It's menthol.

WOMAN 2:
No.

WOMAN 3:
What is that smell?

WOMAN 2:
It smells.

WOMAN 3:
It's him!

WOMAN 2:
He smells!

WOMAN 3:
Yes, he stinks.

RYAN:
No, I do not. I was working out.

WOMAN 2:
You smell.

WOMAN 3:
You smell really bad.

-You stink.

-RYAN:
You want this back?

WOMAN 2:
Yes, you do.

RYAN:
No.

WOMAN 2:
You smell!

Get out of the car!

RYAN:
Come on.

WOMAN 3:
Get out of the car.

RYAN:
Let's go.

WOMAN 3:
Get out.

WOMAN 2:
You smell.

WOMAN 3:
Get out.

WOMAN 2:
He smells.

RYAN:
Come on!

It's just a banana. Hey.

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and we're at the Sunset Ranch

in Hollywood,

and we have over one ton of horse poo

gathered in a ring about 10 by 10 feet.

Now, I'm about to draw names

to see who will battle each other

in the poo joust.

Okay, I'm gonna

quickly run through the rules.

There aren't any rules.

Bunny versus Jeff.

JOHNNY:
(ON BULLHORN)

Come on, Jeff.

Don't let me down, dude.

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

All right, Kosick versus Wee Man.

JOHNNY:
Hit him in the face.

Get him, Rick.

Yeah!

The next match is Knoxville,

that would be me, and Cliver.

Winners' bracket, round one.

Bunny versus Wee Man.

Jeff versus Cliver.

Winners' bracket, round two.

Yeah!

Wee Man versus Jeff.

(JEFF GRUNTS)

For the championship bout,

the fences, these cinder blocks,

the pole, everything is removed.

It's mano a mano. I will be reffing.

This is winner-take-all.

Here we go.

One, two...

Very funny.

CHRlS:
I'd like to thank

all the guys at the gym

who helped me out, spotting me.

This trophy, this lovely trophy,

is for the winner, Bunny.

CHRlS:
Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, today I'm gonna go try

to pick out a mattress for myself,

but it's kind of a bad time,

because I have to urinate really bad.

I like this mattress right here.

Can I try it out?

-Help yourself. You can lay on these.

-Okay, let me...

Everything has tags on them.

It feels really good.

It's really comfortable.

Oh, boy. Oh, my...

-Are you all right?

-Oh, dude.

-MAN:
What are you doing?

-Dude.

I just... I'm sorry.

I have a deviated septum, and...

SALESMAN:
Don't be sorry.

I understand.

Is there something I can do

to help you out?

No, I'm sorry. It's a medical condition.

-Okay.

-I need a towel.

(LAUGHlNG) I'm still going.

-Quit laughing.

-MAN:
That's a long piss.

You stink so bad.

CAMERAMAN:
That's no good.

-SALESMAN:
You doing okay, buddy?

-JOHNNY:
All right, l...

-ls there a trash can?

-Yeah.

If you want to come back

and refresh yourself,

-you can use our restroom.

-Okay, thank you for your help.

Okay, man. I hope you're feeling better.

-Thanks, man, I'm sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

CAMERAMAN:
Dude,

the best part about it

is that you squeezed it out,

and then he shook your hand.

CAMERAMAN:
He's coming.

He's coming, man.

JOHNNY:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

CAMERAMAN:
That was piss

in your face, dude. Piss in your face.

JOHNNY:
(LAUGHlNG)

That's got piss on it, too.

Okay, we're even.

-CAMERAMAN:
That's terrible.

-Oh, my God.

I'm feeling haggard.

CAMERAMAN:
Do you feel the urine

just crawling into your pores?

Yeah.

Dude, that was his urine, like,

in your face, dude.

That's, like, his insides

on your outsides,

but they're... Wash it out of there.

You got to get him back, dude.

JOHNNY:
I'm sorry, man.

Nice job, watch Jamie's angle.

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

JOHNNY:
You got an ass full of piss.

-JOHNNY:
Is it gonna ruin your suit?

-No.

BAM:
Happy birthday, cuz.

Today we're going out to face

the man-eating sharks.

We want to show them

that we're not gonna hurt them.

They'll be our friends

and let us give them a hug.

I'll be honest with you.

There is a certain amount

of element of danger here.

These are wild animals.

They are sharks. They do bite,

and they have bitten people before.

The main thing you've got

to watch out for is your hand movement.

Don't pull on his tail

or anything like that.

So keep your hands

pretty much in close or around.

Keep it away from the mouth.

-CAMERAMAN:
Have you ever been bit?

-Never by a shark.

Steve-O, that's probably

the most unattractive thing

I've ever seen in my life.

You look like you have

Jimmy Durante's nose in your pants.

Today we're going after

the great white tiger shark.

It's one of the most

fiercest sharks in the ocean.

MAN:
Make a little chum soup

here for them.

Put a little... That's it.

Let's start the appetizer.

Open your eyes.

(GARGLlNG)

(ALL LAUGHlNG)

BAM:
We're gonna try to give them a hug

and love pats and whatever we can.

MAN:
You look like

a bi-curious superhero in that mask.

CAMERAMAN:
You got bit?

Steve-O got bit. Imagine that.

STEVE-O:
I think we got

some pretty sweet footage on that.

JOHNNY:
Is it just a little nudge,

or are you gonna lose a finger?

-Yeah, I don't think it's too bad.

-MAN:
Can you have a seat for me?

STEVE-O:
I hope I got

footage of getting bit.

I got all kinds of footage

humping sharks.

MAN:
What led

to the shark biting your finger?

I don't know.

MAN:
Did it have anything to do

with you humping the shark?

STEVE-O:
It could have.

JOHNNY:
Do you feel victorious

or defeated, Steve-O?

I mean, for not losing a finger,

I'd say it's a major victory, you know?

I don't know a lot of people

who have been bitten by a shark.

(ENGlNE STARTS)

CAMERAMAN:
Take that...

Yo, Chris, take it off.

(CAMERAMAN LAUGHlNG)

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