Jackass - The Movie

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

Welcome to Jackass.

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville

and I'm about to rent a car.

- What's up?

- Hi, I have a reservation.

Okay, I need a driver's license

and a credit card.

All right.

I need a signature here

that you're going to use

your coverage instead of ours.

- Is that white one us?

- Yes.

And we're gonna walk around it,

inspect it together.

Looks pretty good.

I'm just looking for dents

and major scratches.

Yeah.

Something major, gonna write it down.

- Little ding there.

- Yeah.

No, we'll take good care of her.

- Thank you.

- Have a good week.

- You, too.

- Thank you.

- I'm Johnny.

- Hey, man.

We're gonna be doing

a hell of a lot of work here today.

Trust us. We're gonna have fun.

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and this is called

the Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.

Oh, f***!

You guys are gonna die!

Shut the car off before it gets hot.

Oh, f***!

I guess we didn't reinforce

the windshield.

That f***er kept...

Missed me by that much.

That's why you got

the roll bars behind you, dude.

- Whose car is this?

- This is your guys' car.

I rented it from you earlier.

- Yes. Yeah, what...

- Yeah, I hit a dog.

A dog didn't cause this.

Come on in.

I had a accident, as you can see.

I was... I mean, I drink.

I just black out, so I...

- Were you drinking or anything?

- Yeah, I had a little, to be honest.

Is there any license plates on it?

- There was.

- Yeah?

Well, hopefully you guys

will incur some of the cost.

Oh, no.

'Cause I rented it

from you guys fair and square.

Yeah.

I don't want to get stuck

with the whole charge of it.

Well, you are gonna get stuck

with the entire thing.

Well, I don't think I should.

I think you guys should help.

No. You declined

any additional coverage.

Right there. You declined it.

Yeah, but that's just paperwork,

you know?

- That's a legal contract.

- Yeah, but I was a little... I was...

I had a few to drink

when I signed that, too, so...

Well, we're gonna have to

get this worked out.

Yeah, you're gonna have

to pay for that car.

Well, you're gonna have to help me

pay for that car.

No, we don't do that.

I returned it with a full tank of gas.

You returned it demolished.

Well, it's got a full tank of gas.

That's the least of our worries

right now, is the gas.

- Oh.

- This is an unmitigated outrage.

I've never seen anything like this before.

- What does that mean?

- No one's ever done that.

Well, I can't pay for it.

- Well, you're gonna have to.

- Well, I ain't.

Look, I'm gonna let

you two guys work it out

and I'm gonna go outside,

but that car's gonna have to be paid for.

"F" you!

Are you all right?

You all right?

Knoxville knocked my nuts in half.

This is the Muscle Stimulator.

Oh, it hurts my teeth!

I can't even turn it off.

How is that supposed to help?

- Okay, are you ready?

- Yeah.

Think about your...

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm taking care of you.

- It's all right. Okay.

- Oh, my God, it's so bad.

- It's cool. You cool?

- Yeah. I'm good.

Okay. Come on.

Ease up. Come on. Daddy's got you.

- Oh, my God, it's so f***ing bad.

- Daddy's got you. Come on.

You're gonna have tits of steel.

Yeah, you're so buff right now.

- Yeah, this goes on the gooch.

- Yeah, go, go, go, come on.

- This goes on the gooch.

- Dude, he's done.

Who's gonna do the gooch?

In case you didn't know

what the gooch is,

the gooch is the spot

between your balls and butt hole, and...

Does it smell like...

- Does it smell like man?

- Smell. Just smell it.

- Just smell it.

- Ehren, smell it.

No, come on.

Do your balls first,

just to get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, let's get it over with.

- I'll do it, I'll do it. I'll...

- Balls is crazy.

- Here's some...

- Okay.

- Don't turn it on till he's solid.

- No, I'm not. I'm over it.

It's totally...

I'm so scared right now.

- Are we ready?

- You're so gone, man.

Okay.

- He likes it! He likes it!

- Oh, my God!

He likes it.

Afternoon. How you doing?

Oh. Son of a b*tch.

What happened?

Oh, man!

- F***!

- F***! Oh!

Whoa!

Yes! That was the best thing

I've ever seen.

What?

Oh, f***, dude.

Nice, yeah.

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Are you okay?

- Get over here!

- Help him! Help him! Help him!

- Medic!

- No, no, no, no.

- Don't move him. Don't move him!

- Oh, sh*t.

That had bad news written all over it.

Are you okay? You all right?

That was like the worst thing

that could ever happen, right there.

Dunn can't drive for sh*t.

I don't know what happened.

I just remember we went in the air,

and the next thing I know

I'm just f***ed.

Look at that cart.

Dude, you were hauling so much ass.

We're here in Tokyo,

and I feel like partying.

Hi. I'm Party Boy.

Oh, can I try this?

Here we go.

That's my party music.

You like it?

Kind of makes you wanna party, huh?

Kind of feel like partying right now.

Ready?

See, that's what the big ones do,

but sometimes they don't...

It'll take a while before...

Oh, f***!

Don't pull on it, man.

You can't pry his mouth open.

It's slowly getting away. It's slowly...

Is he opening it?

No, you're twisting him!

You're f***ing twisting him!

Oh, f***! He's got my nipple, dude.

He's got my f***ing nipple.

Wait, wait, he's gonna open it.

- I know. I know. Hang on, hang on.

- Hang on. Don't move.

You little bastard!

Oh, look at the teeth marks.

Man.

I'm Bunny, the lifeguard,

and if any of these alligators

try to ruin our swimming,

I'm gonna rassle them down

and probably have my way with them.

If he falls and he lands near an alligator,

and an alligator grabs a hold of him,

Steve-O will relax,

let the alligator take him

and hope that

the alligator will release him.

Hi. I'm Steve-O,

and this is Alligator Tightrope.

Oh, sh*t.

There's no such thing

as failure, Steve-O.

Take another step.

You got it.

One thing I know is

good tightrope walking.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes.

You're cool. You're good.

Go put the chicken on him!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Oh, sh*t.

- There you go.

- Yeah, there you go.

- Food, food, food, food.

Go back down a little bit.

- Go, keep going, Steve-O.

- Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

Yeah!

Keep going, Steve-O! Keep going!

Keep going, Steve-O!

Keep your head up, Steve-O!

Keep your head up! Keep your head up!

- They got you now. You're doing good!

- Keep your head up!

Keep your butt up!

You got it! All right, all right!

Keep your butt...

- Put it in your ass and let him take it.

- Come on.

Stick the bone up your ass.

And let him pull it out.

Food, food, food, food!

- Get ready.

- Here it comes. Here it comes.

- Stay there. Don't move. Don't move.

- It'll be over before you know it.

Don't look! Don't look, Steve-O.

Don't look.

Don't look, Steve-O! Don't look!

Stay still. Stay still.

- He's going. He's got it.

- Don't look! Don't look!

Don't move!

- Hang on!

- Hold still! Hold still!

I ran straight into a crocodile.

What the hell.

Oh, my God.

- Why can't you walk on a tightrope?

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