Jackass - The Movie Page #2

- I don't know.

I thought you'd do it.

Yeah.

I just... I don't know, man.

But I'm sure I could learn,

but today, you know,

today was my first try.

I'm Bam Margera,

and my parents are dead asleep.

It's 12:
42 right now

and Phil has to be at work

at 5:
00 in the morning.

So he's trying to get

a good night's sleep

and I'm gonna go wake his ass up.

I'm dying!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God, I'm opening the windows.

- Getting crazy over here.

- Look at Phil's tummy.

Oh, my God!

Phil, you gotta be up

for 5:
00 in the morning tonight.

Yo, here he comes.

Here he comes. Here he comes.

Jesus Christ, Bam!

I almost broke my leg

getting out of there!

There's sh*t all over the goddamn van.

How am I going to work now?

Go!

I... Jesus!

What are you doing?

You know,

I ought to arrest you right now

with all that in your clothes.

- What's wrong with you?

- What are you talking about?

Get this out of your pocket, man!

- That's all me!

- All of this!

- All of that!

- That's all me!

What is this bullshit?

- What is wrong with you?

- Those are my bananas.

Don't never come in here no more, man!

What are you...

Get out! And take the other stuff

out of your pockets.

- Jeez!

- Get it all out!

- That's how you treat an old man?

- Yep. Get out! Go!

An old man that steals, I can't believe it.

Hey, man, what kind of games

you playing? Get out!

- Get out, man!

- God damn it!

What is wrong with you?

Get out!

Man, quit playing!

- I was Lon Chaney's lover!

- Go back and love him!

So, we're gonna go

to this hardware store.

They sell toilets.

And I'm gonna take a sh*t

right in one of the toilets.

I'm gonna sh*t in my pants

before we get to that f***ing place.

Dave, fight it, man.

And I don't even want

to make a joke about it right now

'cause I just wanna hold it in.

- Gotta poo?

- Pretty much.

- Really?

- Yeah. Like, really bad.

Don't... Do you want to ruin everything?

- I swear to God, it's...

- Really? Like, that bad?

Yeah, like, it's a problem.

Is this the worst

you've ever had to go boom-boom?

No, no.

I sh*t my pants at the fair.

Oh, dude, he's shitting right now.

Get out of the car!

Oh, get out, dude, get out!

No sh*t, get out of here!

Come on, man,

get out of the f***ing car.

Get out of the f***ing car!

Oh! What do I do?

- Did you sh*t?

- Did you do it?

Holy sh*t!

I'm taking a cab back to the hotel.

He just shat everywhere.

That's bad.

Look.

- What's wrong, man?

- I had to sit there while he shat.

I need to go home right now.

- It's on my hand.

- Just let them see it.

Is that a bolt? We have very...

What the hell you doing?

- What was that?

- What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm almost done.

I hope you didn't take a sh*t in that,

son of a b*tch.

You take a sh*t in that, they're gonna

get you to clean it out, pal.

That is disgusting, man.

What a f***ing Froot Loop.

Want me to play it back?

Hey! What the f***? What the...

Got him, dude. And there went his hair.

- Turn around. Let's see it.

- That was so much.

Oh, no!

- Yeah.

- Look at me.

- That's a good one.

- We're ready.

I'm Ehren McGhehey,

and this is the Mousetrap.

All right! All right! All right!

Come on! Come on.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough! That's enough!

I called it! Hey! Time!

Dude.

This isn't gonna work.

It might.

What's gonna happen here?

I don't know,

but it's not what's going to be intended.

Raab's putting a f***ing tampon on.

That's like

a Courtney Love-sized maxi pad.

Dudes, this is, like,

worse than a hanging.

I'm Raab himself

and I'm a complete f***ing idiot.

- Oh, that's funny.

- It didn't work.

Nope.

- We gotta get another one, man.

- Let's do it again.

Hey, I'm Raab himself,

and this is Bungee Wedgie.

Is that your shitty ass, dude?

Look at the bloody, shitty underpants.

Didn't give me a wedgie. I went forward.

I can't believe it.

That is so funny.

All right, we're here in the valley today

to do our own little riot-control test.

This is George Hruska.

All right, George, what do you do

and what are we doing here today?

Well, I'm Vice President of Operations

with A.L.S. Technologies.

We manufacture

less-lethal ammunition.

We're one of the top

manufacturing companies

in the United States.

And we're going to shoot you

with one of our projectiles.

It's called the Pen-Prevent.

It's a 40-gram, tail-stabilized bag.

It'll be traveling

about 250 feet per second.

- Is that lethal?

- It's considered less lethal.

So, this morning

I thought I was taking it in the chest

with the beanbag projectile,

but George and his company

said, "No way."

'Cause if it hits me in the heart,

I'm pretty much done with, so...

We want to take

every single precaution...

Right.

...necessary to help protect

your vital organs.

Where are my intestines?

Are they in that area?

- I think so.

- Awesome.

So are you gonna

take some practice shots?

Pressure.

- Jesus Christ.

- Yeah.

You know, this is nothing

to mess around with.

This is nothing for anybody

to just throw into a 12-gauge shotgun

and, you know, think

that they could take it.

You know,

that's one of the reasons I'm doing this

is because I can do this

in a controlled state.

Safety's off.

Going hot.

That really hurt.

That looked like it hurt.

Oh, f***, dude.

Did you see the way

I caught that beanbag with my stomach?

That's instinct.

You can't teach that.

It hurts so much.

Like going from a prone position

to standing is...

Ouch.

Hi. I'm Wee Man, and this is a big cone.

Oh, my God, my brakes!

I can't...

My brakes!

My brakes!

My brakes!

Stop me! Stop me!

Stop me!

- You all right?

- That was so fast!

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- You have... Did your brakes go out?

- Yeah. The whole thing doesn't work.

Really?

Will you push me to the top?

I wanna do it again.

I could sure go for a Miller High Life.

Oh, you're in so much trouble.

Kick her ass!

I'm about to get

the sh*t kicked out of me by a girl.

Dude, I told you to keep up the left!

Hail to the queen!

- That's the winner.

- That's it.

And the winner,

and still champion...

Now pronounce her name.

Look at his bloody mouthpiece.

Oh, God, my jaw is, like,

two inches to the left.

I seriously felt all right for a little bit,

until she punched me in the nose.

I knew she was fighting dirty.

Tropical Pole-Vaulting.

Oh, Jesus!

Go grab the dead kitty.

Dude, I've f***ing

been in there before, dude. It sucks.

Oh, God!

Since we no longer

have to bleep cuss words,

I promise

I will get my mom to say "f***"

by the end of this movie.

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and we're about to test

my rocket skates.

Go!

All right, this is rocket skates,

take two.

This one's gonna be a little more

powerful than the last one, so...

- Why, these are different bottle rockets?

- No, there's just more of them.

- Oh, f***!

- What's wrong?

I fell and busted my ass,

that's what's f***ing wrong.

That's it.

No more rocket skates.

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