Jackass - The Movie Page #3

God, this party sucks!

Hey, my man. Wasabi, lots.

Wasabi.

Yeah.

So today, I'm gonna treat myself

to some wasabi snooters.

Are you any good at snorting stuff?

Pretty good.

God, chopsticks are so stupid.

That looks like a pretty good line, huh?

More.

Do another snooter.

I need a pick-me-up.

Dude, on the plate. On the plate.

- Oh, God, dude.

- You're an animal.

Oh, man.

That's a bump.

Look at that special sauce.

- Swallow it.

- Swallow it.

Get him!

Get back here!

I said, "Get back here!"

Get...

This is bullshit, man!

Phil?

Phil?

Phil?

Hey, Phil!

Oh, my God.

- Is this thing real?

- What thing?

This alligator!

What?

Look, look, look!

Look around the corner.

What is that?

Where have you been?

Don't you even look?

Oh, my God! It's moving.

Oh, Phil!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- I don't know what to do now.

- Aren't you scared to death?

It's so gross that it's even on the floor.

I'm going out! I'm leaving!

Where's my keys?

That is the scariest f***ing thing

I ever saw in my whole life!

- I'm leaving.

- Don't leave. Where the hell you going?

I'm leaving. I swear to God!

Phil, seriously, please.

Help! Help me get this thing out of here!

I'm scared to death!

Oh, God!

Oh, man.

No! No!

No, I'm not letting in the...

No, no! God, where is it?

- Oh, please! You don't have it, do you?

- No, we don't have it.

It's not there?

Like, seriously, is that real?

I'm serious. Is it real?

Is it real?

- Is it real?

- Yes.

I'm serious, get everybody out!

Dude, dude. Wait. Stop! Chill, dude.

Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.

- I didn't even get you.

- You got beat up by Wee Man.

- Dude.

- Let me see.

He didn't even get you.

- Where? I didn't even...

- He didn't even get you.

Let me see the back of your head.

- Oh, dude.

- It'll be all right.

I'm here with Eric Koston

and Clyde Singleton,

and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail,

and... Or try to.

- So, this thing's long.

- Yeah, thanks.

Thanks for reminding me.

You got it.

I got it. I got this.

- Dude, is he gonna go?

- Yeah.

Is he gonna go?

He's gonna go somewhere.

He's going.

He's going, yeah.

My impression of Johnny Knoxville.

Something like this.

"Oh, my face!"

I'm Johnny Knoxville

and I'm gonna grind this rail.

Ready, set, go!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

He made it all the way down.

I can't believe he got that far.

- You made it to the f***ing bottom!

- I can't believe he got that far.

I can't believe... I can't...

This is the Paper Cuts.

I'm getting paper cuts

between the webbings of my fingers

and the webbings of my toes.

- Hold it still.

- There's no good way to do it.

Yeah, I know. So just deal with it.

Take a... Take a breath.

Oh, you can feel when it goes in.

Oh, give me... This one works good,

give me the next one.

Do it. Do it.

- Oh, yeah, opened up with a good one.

- Did you hear that?

- Oh, that was my flesh!

- Oh, sh*t.

If I do your hand,

you'll forget about the pain in your foot.

That's a good point.

Take a deep breath.

Lance is trying... Are you gonna puke?

Don't, Lance,

there's so many places for you to...

- Watch Lance pass out.

- Lance is gonna puke!

From what,

the pepperoni or the paper cuts?

Both?

The pepperoni.

It's good! With pig entrails.

- Is he okay?

- I don't know.

- Wait, is he all right?

- Lance, are you all right?

- Medic!

- Hey, don't knock over the beer.

- Dude, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- And get him in a cold room.

- This is the greatest bit ever.

Steve-O, if you want to do some more,

do it. I'm done.

Is everybody ready?

Yeah.

See the look on his face?

- Do one more.

- Do it again.

That sucked.

God, am I glad I came down

to see what was going on in this room.

Wait a minute.

I know what my fortune is. It's partying.

This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.

Oh, honey, it's been a while.

- It's a little too much.

- No, I...

Irving, you think you can do it?

- Do you want a spot?

- No, I got it. No, I got it.

- You got it?

- Yeah, yeah.

- lf you need a spot, just give me a call.

- Okay.

What's the quickest

you ever knocked anyone out?

I hold the California state record.

It's like 18 seconds,

including the 10 count.

I think you're gonna break that today.

- I'm Johnny Knoxville.

- And I'm Butterbean.

Today we're gonna do a little boxing.

All right, you guys.

Touch gloves and come out fighting.

- Get up!

- Come on, Butter...

One more time.

This is the last time

you're kicking my ass.

One more time.

More pain. That's it.

You haven't even...

Hit me once, at least.

There you go.

That's it.

Is there a problem?

He's out.

Is Butterbean okay?

Look at this.

And by knockout in the first round,

new champion, Butterbean!

Yeah!

- Where we going, Knoxville?

- The hospital.

- What the hell are we doing that for?

- I don't know.

Apparently I have

a big gash in my head,

and I think I'm a little concussed.

- Are you giving me a shot?

- Yeah.

Are you okay?

- We got one more to go, buddy.

- Yes, sir.

- Then you're a free man.

- Thank you.

You're gonna be not feeling great

the next 24 hours.

- Thank you, Dr. Kipper.

- Okay.

You'll probably see me

in two to three days.

See you in a couple of days.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it! What are you doing?

Hey! Get off, man!

- What's going on here?

- Get off!

Get off!

We're in Okinawa

and we're about to go swim

with some whale sharks.

But first, we need to go rub one out.

Well, I made the mistake

of showing them

what sea cucumbers do

when they're threatened.

And that is, you know,

as soon as something touches them,

these white threads

come out of the end of it,

and Steve-O and Chris

thought it was a great idea.

So, they're out there trying to...

- Masturbate?

- Masturbate. Yeah.

So, anyway, I apologize.

This is the Whale Shark Gummer.

With a simple shave of the razor,

Steve-O easily disguises himself

to fool the whale sharks

into thinking he's a harmless young boy.

I am pretty nervous about my wiener

around that whale shark. I really am.

Now, the best way

to think of the whale sharks

is they're like big puppy dogs.

Sometimes puppies bite.

Yeah, but they have little teeth.

- Puppies, they have little teeth.

- Little teeth.

- You're gonna get a gummer.

- All right.

So, it's kind of like

being with a gal with no teeth.

- Kind of, yes.

- Yeah.

So right below in these waters,

30-foot whale sharks

are waiting to eat

these freaking shrimp

out of our crotches.

Okay.

Oh, they're kind of... They pinch.

Are these alive?

- They don't feel good on the way...

- You're part of this, man.

Look at this shrimp.

I guess I don't really have

any last words.

I'm just gonna kill myself

once I lose my wiener.

My penis is really small now.

I can't really look cool right now.

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.

This is the Tidal Wave.

- How'd it look?

- It looked good.

You just got drenched.

I don't even, like, pick a tattoo, like,

unless I'm pretty sure that people

are gonna laugh every time they see it.

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