Jackass - The Movie Page #4

Oh, my God, dude.

Like, how do you perform

the f***ing world's dumbest tattoo?

F***, man.

At least I don't have to look at it, right?

My name is Henry Rollins

and this is Off-Road Tattoo.

Yeah!

This was designed to f*** you up!

You Christian motherf***er!

It's a total smiley face, dude.

I just fully got a haircut

just, like, a week ago.

You're about to get many more.

- Yeah, me, too.

- I am not doing it.

Look at Ehren.

Oh, sh*t!

So, we're finding it

a little bit chilly in Japan.

We're gonna warm ourselves up

with some fireworks.

Let's go, dude.

Roll back there, just a bit.

Oh, no! This is a bad angle. Switch.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let's see.

Like, an ember fell

right in my corn hole, dude.

I actually burned my butt hole.

How hard is it to tie a bottle rocket

to a cock?

God, you're compressing it.

You may think

this next stunt is impossible.

You gotta squat a little, Pontius.

Every time!

- Is Chris' dick shorter or...

- Yeah, it's a little shorter.

Keep it in! Hold it!

Stick...

It almost hit Loomis in the face.

God damn, this is the BMX Tug-of-War.

F***!

What a dumb-ass idea.

I'm surrounded by cacti.

- For f***'s sake.

- Dude, it's a cactus.

- It's cacti!

- It's cactus.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

You wanna get up and cross?

This is the Yellow Snow Cone.

Pack it in there nice and tight.

Little cold out here.

It might take a second.

Oh! There we go.

- Oh, yeah.

- Dude.

I'm not even worried about the pee,

I'm just worried about it...

Come on,

you're missing the cone, dude!

- I'm sorry.

- You're missing the cone!

You better eat that whole thing, too.

You gotta go eat that spot, too.

The male bonding...

Enjoy the snow cone.

Oh, you just wasted a whole bunch!

Just get that whole mouthful,

right there.

Keep going.

- Keep going!

- Eat it!

- Come on, it's your pee.

- Dude, swallow it!

- Oh, come on.

- Hey, I'm trying. It's so cold.

Swallow it! Swallow it!

Oh, God.

Eat it! Eat it!

Swallow it, man! Don't... No, no.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, no puking.

- I'm doing it!

- Don't look at it.

Dude, it's dripping out of the bottom.

Will you catch that,

what's dripping out the bottom?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Eat it. Eat it.

- This...

- You said that you would.

- Eat it.

...is the chocolate snow cone.

- It stinks.

- That sucked.

Kick yourself in the head, Wee Man.

This guy.

He'll do anything just to look better.

- No, get away.

- Now what is?

Are you starting to lose your mind

on that sh*t?

Bam, stop it!

Now, you're getting crazy on this sh*t.

Ape!

He's starting to lose it!

Jesus Christ!

Ape, I need toilet paper!

Okay, this is called

the Golf Course Airhorn.

When people tee off,

when they're coming down

with their swing,

we're gonna blow these airhorns.

- Here she goes again.

- No. Is it another one?

She still hit it really good.

Holy sh*t.

What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?

Here, you've lost your club. Sorry.

Didn't I tell you I was gonna come

over here and kick your ass for that?

What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.

- You got bursitis?

- Yeah.

So, that means

you gotta play with a horn?

- It helps.

- I'll give you something to play with, pal.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

- Oh, f***!

- Sh*t. He's teeing off!

- Get down! Get down!

- Oh, sh*t!

Get back. Get down, get down.

- Watch this! Wait. Wait.

- Get down, Dimitry.

Oh, these things are scary.

- I'm Bam Margera.

- I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And we're gonna be burglars today.

Oh, God!

F***! Get the diamonds!

Dude, I told you

not to fall off the damn beam.

Turn around! Turn around!

F***!

Oh, holy f***!

- Idiot!

- What the f*** is that?

Go!

Holy f***!

You all right?

- You okay?

- I'm good. I'm good.

- What'd you think happened right there?

- It's embarrassing.

I was barely halfway through the ceiling,

and you were already out the door.

You were really sprinting.

Really, guys in masks, I'm out.

I don't play. I don't play.

Is there any actual, like, real reason

why anyone would shove

something up their ass like this?

- No.

- I'm claiming predictions for this event.

- Where's Ryan?

- Did you make them?

Number one, it's not getting in there.

Number two, even if it does,

it's not staying in there.

Definitely no sitting down happening.

Number three, there's no way

they're gonna believe that this is true.

So, you're saying it's...

I'm saying there's nothing I want more

than for this to happen, but...

- You don't want it to happen that much.

- No, I really do.

This is our original talent

for this piece, by the way.

- Yeah. I think that...

- It's one of the first things I think

I've ever seen you duck out on.

Oh, man, I am so glad

I turned this idea down.

I'm so glad.

I'll probably use all of this

before the end of the segment.

What else we got?

A condom. Thank you.

And a little toy car.

Blue, it's my favorite color.

Let me see that. Dangle it.

Look at the reservoir tip.

- Now I'm lubing up...

- I can't see the car, Ryan.

...the little toy car,

because I'm going to put it in my butt.

Be comfortable.

Hey, Ed's here for rescuing, dude.

You're here for making it a problem.

All right, you're gonna watch this?

- You're making me uncomfortable.

- Sorry.

I gotta get another job.

- Lube up your corn hole.

- I am. I'm spackling.

"Spackling."

- Heart rate's going up for sure!

- Oh, dude, it hurts.

Your adrenaline's flowing, isn't it?

There's no getting around it,

it f***ing hurts like hell.

Come on in, Manny.

You're just in time, Manny.

Oh, Manny. Tell me I'm a man.

- Hey, man, he's got it...

- It feels so goddamn gross.

This is totally insane.

- I thinks it's breathing.

- Wheels in?

It's in, dude.

- It's in?

- Yeah.

- Let's see.

- Oh, f***!

I feel like I have to sh*t my ass.

Is there anything in tap?

No, this don't happen in nature, dude.

This is insane.

"This doesn't happen in nature."

You said that you didn't want to do it

because your dad would disown you?

Well, I mean, it wasn't that.

You drank wine

off of a dude's ass crack.

My dad never saw that.

I never told him that, you know.

I was gonna do this

and I was like, "Dad..."

I was like,

"Dad, we're going hard these days,

"and there's some ideas

floating around."

I just mentioned the car in the butt.

My dad, like... The only time in my life

I ever heard my dad, like...

You know,

it's like when your parents say,

"I'm not mad at you,

I'm just disappointed," you know.

Like, that hurts so much more,

you know?

F***ing rad.

Look at him walk.

Dunn's gonna win, dude.

I'm not too excited about this skit.

It's not my favorite I've ever done,

because there's a toy car in my butt.

But this is the Butt X-ray.

I think I need an x-ray.

- Antoine?

- Yes?

- How you doing?

- Pretty good.

- I'm Ryan, and this is...

- What can I do for you?

I was partying last night

with some frat guys.

I passed out. I must've fallen down

and broken something,

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