Jackass 3.5

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JACKASS 3.5

Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville.

Welcome to Jackass!

Thank you very much.

People are always asking me,

"Is there anything

that you just wouldn't do?"

Well, this is it.

It's the Alligator Snapping Turtle,

probably the meanest thing

I'll have ever done to my butt.

F***! F***! F***!

F***!

Don't look at him, Steve-O.

Don't look at him.

-Look at him.

-Don't look at him.

Relax, relax.

Don't look at it.

Look at it.

Sh*t!

F***! God damn it!

-F***!

-Relax.

-Relax!

-Relax. Just relax.

-Hold your ground.

-Okay.

-F***, that must hurt really bad.

-Sh*t.

-F***.

-Are you okay?

-Mama.

-F***.

Okay, now he's just no

gonna f***ing let go?

I knew this was f***ing gonna happen!

He's not letting go!

-Sh*t.

-Relax. You need to relax.

F***!

-The turtle's the problem.

-I'm relaxed! Sh*t!

This would be horrifying if...

-Relax.

-Relax.

-Okay.

-Relax?

-Who could relax?

-I'm just gonna...

You son...

Jeez, relax, relax.

-Sh*t!

-Hold it together. Don't pull.

-Don't pull.

-Don't pull.

-It doesn't wanna let go.

-God!

-Oh, my God.

-F***!

That was horrifying.

Wow.

-Get him out of here.

-Son of a b*tch!

Oh, my God.

He got you good.

Yeah.

There's a reason why I turned that down

for so many years.

I can't see anything!

-Spread your legs.

-Let go. Let go. Drop.

You're good.

You all right?

You want a donut?

This is Barrel Surfing.

Big-barrel surfing's for macho jerks

with a death wish.

No, it's not. It's the ultimate thrill,

the ultimate rush.

Even more than sex.

Well, that depends

on who you're doing it with.

That was pretty good.

Hold them!

I think Bam was great

at it the first time,

and now Dunn's stepped in

to up the failure rate

to an all-time high.

Oh, my God.

I've got a pile of sh*t in my nose.

I'm Ryan Dunn. This is face surfing.

That scene done yet?

Being on set is 50% fun as hell,

and the other 50%

is just pure anxiety, paranoia...

-Jesus.

-Oh, God.

The only thing I care about

is that it's f***ing wet down here.

Shooting a Jackass movie,

it seems super fun,

but it's actually hell

because everyone

is trying to get everyone.

In particular, me, because I've been

a dick to everyone the whole time.

It gets very tense on set

when we're filming Jackass.

You're always

looking over your shoulder.

You just know something horrible

is gonna happen to you.

And it's not like it might. It will.

It's a snapping turtle on a stick.

F***ing with Ehren

is the best thing ever.

Where's he at right now?

I wanna pee on him or something.

Ehren's in there sleeping.

We got Ghetto Defibrillators.

Clear!

F*** you!

I was worried about you.

Didn't know if you'd died.

I know. You were in here

snoring for three hours, dude.

We didn't know if you'd died.

It's all right. We're doctors.

You guys are d*cks.

Can't somebody sleep a little bit

around here?

No. That's the whole point.

Sure, you can sleep.

You know that if you're being pranked,

if it's a good prank,

it's gonna end up in the movie.

And footage is footage.

But definitely, tensions get hot.

And you never know what's gonna happen.

He's not anywhere near you.

He's hiding behind a motherfucking

chain-link fence.

A chain-link fence.

That's worse than this.

He's gonna f***ing try

and Rocky my ass right now.

Hey, hey!

Guys, stop.

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Come on.

It's cool. Come on.

-What was the name of that bit?

-Chill.

I don't know.

-"Fighting Each Other"?

-"Fight!"

I'm telling you,

it's nerve-racking, dude.

You gotta let out some aggression.

Man, it is nerve-racking as hell.

'Cause 24/7, when we're shooting, all

of us are always attacking each other.

I may be attacking everyone

a little more.

-F***!

-What the f*** was that?

I saw a Buster Keaton film where

he had a mini cannon tied to his foot,

and he couldn't get it off his foot.

And I thought it looked funny.

And so, we had one built.

Here.

One of the funniest times

is when I walked up behind Ehren

with the mini cannon,

and I was dressed as a pirate.

Get up and go.

And he kept moving

and I had to keep repositioning,

and finally,

he turns around and busts me.

And so, I have to walk this mini cannon

out of frame,

very un-sneakily,

and it was really awkward.

But he just...

Five minutes, hyper-vigilant,

five minutes goes by,

he forgets about it,

and then I shoot him in the ass.

F***, that hurt.

-You got it.

-A**hole.

-Ehren.

-He got us, too.

Sh*t. Right in the neck.

Arr you mad at me?

What's the bit here, Wee?

All right. So, today, Street Bike Tommy

is gonna come down this ramp

looking like a bowling ball,

launch into all of us standing out here

as the human pins, and knock us down.

-Do I look like the tenpin?

-You do look like the tenpin.

-That's what I am.

-Awesome.

It's pretty slippery out there.

Yeah, and the reason

it's slippery out there,

that's sex lube.

Lube it up, boys.

So, we're getting ready to do a bit

called the Slip 'n' Bowl,

but really, it's just a big ruse to

get all the guys in the middle

of a big, slippery mess, so we can fly

a remote-controlled helicopter in

that has paintball guns

mounted on either side.

It's gonna suck.

Here we go. Quiet, please.

All right. Get your goggles on, guys.

-Goggles on, guys.

-Let's get the intro.

Action!

I'm Street Bike Tommy,

and this is Slip 'n' Bowl.

Go!

I'm almost feeling bad now.

Sh*t!

F***ing sh*t!

F***!

F***ing a**holes.

F***.

-Who is that?

-Who is that?

-Dave.

-Dave England.

-That's so...

-F***.

Oh, my God.

This whole thing was

just a big, elaborate ruse

to get you on something slippery.

I heard the noise and I was like,

"Are you guys cool

with this, like, sound?"

-Yeah, I was thinking...

-And then, all of a sudden, I saw

-the camera, and I was like...

-I wasn't in the bit.

I wasn't around, and I'm like,

"If they see me not around,

they're gonna get suspicious."

Everything was obvious.

That's what I was worried about

not going too fast

'cause I didn't want you...

I don't want you to fall...

The joke's on you now, boy.

I actually deserve that.

So we have a dick rocket, and

we're gonna launch it into Bam's ass,

AKA Uranus.

-It's science.

-We've been waiting for years

for technology to catch up with us.

Finally, we've got this contraption.

We're gonna send this cock rocket

straight to Uranus.

-You ready?

-Are you ready?

Let's do it.

Three, two, one, blast off!

Don't point that thing at me.

Okay, so we didn't get quite up there,

but it happens to a lot of guys.

Doesn't it, Ryan?

Bam, you ready?

Three,

two,

one,

blast off!

Sh*t.

What's going on, Bam?

Now, they have a lighter dildo

which seems like it would be better,

but, no.

It means it's gonna go so much faster

into my ass,

and it's gonna not feel very great.

So, we had to switch c*cks.

Hopefully, this one will work.

It's a big, old cock.

Three,

two,

one,

blast off!

Did you like it?

F***, no.

One small step for man,

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