Jackass 3D Page #2

- Thank you, dear.

- Cheers. Boop!

- Cheers.

So what's the status?

I don't know. Go down to the beach

or something... hit the water.

You tried it?

Tara! What the f*** are you doing?

What the f***?!

- Who the f*** are you?

- Who are you?

I'm her frickin' boyfriend, a**hole!

That's cool, bud. I'm her man-friend.

Dude, don't push me. Don't push me.

I'm not even touching you.

You know, f*** both of you!

F*** both of you!

Calm down now.

So...

He and I are taking a break and...

Right in here.

Right in here.

F*** you! I told you

to get the f*** away!

- Don't push him, man!

- Stop! Stop! Stop!

Get your ass down!

Keep your punk ass down,

you hunk of sh*t!

Get him, Pop! Get him, Poppy!

Get his ass down!

Get off of him! Stop!

Police! Get on the f***ing ground!

Get on the ground!

Freeze! Everybody up against the wall!

- Up against the wall!

- Get the f*** off me!

What the f*** are you doing?!

Get him up. Get him up!

Freeze, motherf***er!

Get your hands behind your back!

- Let's go, babe!

- F***ing get off me!

Code 54! Paramedic! Paramedic!

Get the f*** off me!

Get him off me!

- Get the f*** off me!

- Shut up! Shut up!

Look at them two.

Big boy. Wait. He can walk?

OK.

What was that all that about?

What the hell was all that about?

I don't know! A bunch of midgets

come in here and start fighting!

-I don't know what happened.

- That was wild!

The cops came in!

I can't believe it.

Little miniature cops.

Here comes Dunn.

No f***ing way, dude!

- Oh, my God.

- Is there blue on me?

I am so happy.

- There's a lot of blue.

- Dude, that thing goes!

F***!

Dude, the sound of it

is just f***ing terrifying.

This sucks. Oh, man.

Its bark is worse than its bite, Ehren.

Due to prison overpopulation,

we're gonna give these boys

here a chance to escape.

This side represents incarceration,

that side, freedom.

This is Electric Avenue.

Each one of these

stun guns has 950,000 volts.

There's 15 of 'em hanging here, plus

four cattle prods. Good luck, fellas!

Go!

- Go, go, go!

- F***!

F***, I'm gonna pass out, man.

I'm gonna f***ing pass out.

Come on, come on.

Go, go, go!

F***, that sucked!

F***!

Sucks doody!

- How do you feel?

-I changed my mind.

Stun guns are the number one

most thing that I hate now.

Bulls are second, snakes are third.

That sucked! Terribly.

I'm Preston Lacy here

with pro kicker Josh Brown,

and this is the Field Goal.

Kick!

Wow, that was a good kick.

- Was that right in the puss?

- Right on the kisser:

Oh, f***.

My mouth.

F***!

-I love you, buddy. Thank you.

- Oh, my God.

Pro football star Josh Brown.

I love you, buddy. Right here.

F***ing A!

- On the mouth.

- You're a man.

April, what kind of glue is this?

- Super Mighty Glue.

- This is Super Mighty Glue,

and we're going to have

a little fun with it today.

Who's got tummy hair?

Not me.

- You have tummy hair?

-I have a fraction.

- That's definitely tummy hair.

- That's tummy hair.

- You guys got tummy hair.

- Now we're talking.

Looks like we got cast for this bit.

- Don't get it on his fingers.

- You don't need a lot, they say.

A dab'll do ya.

Oh, Knoxville, Jesus!

No, I think this is gonna work.

All right. We ready?

Ready, then?

Oh, my God!

Now. Oh, my God!

Keep it on there. Keep it on.

Keep it on there.

Dude, it's gonna take my skin off.

You're gonna have hairy palms.

Wait. I kind of like it

when Preston says...

F***!

- it's not moving.

- What do you like Preston to say?

Get a little symphony going.

Dude, this is in.

Should they pull it?

We don't need any more time, dude.

It is in.

You got at least 15 grams of super glue.

- Pull it! Pull it!

- Really?

- Three, two, one...

- Skins coming, I know it. Go, Barn!

He's a werewolf!

Werewolf!

That is mingin'-ass Phil's.

Preston's is pretty gross,

but that is disgusting!

Wow!

No, don't pour that

on your boo-boo hand.

- It stings.

- That's gotta hurt.

Hey, Dunn. Do you have

any hair on your butt?

- No.

- Do you want some?

I'm thinking I'm about

due for a hairy ass, yeah.

I'm in my 30s, it hasn't

grown in natural yet.

So I think we're gonna

have to do a transplant.

Phil, can I borrow

some of your back hair?

Yeah, like having you

sit on my back?

I'm thinking about

becoming a real man.

Sure, I'll lay down

and you can sit on it.

- OK, Rake.

- You ready to go? Let's do it.

Ryan, do you shave your ass?

Shave my... Look at me!

Do I shave my ass?

I don't know

what a razor feels like.

Apparently, you don't know what

toilet paper feels like either.

- I don't!

- Make sure it's clean.

All right, go, go, go!

You gotta sit!

- Sit! Sit! Sit!

- Sit down.

Time it, two minutes

on the clock.

- Phil, you all right down there?

- Yeah.

- Consider this a bonding experience.

- Okay.

You got about 30 seconds.

Well, if I can't get

Phil's hair off of me,

then, you know, I'd really

rather prefer a ZZ Top beard.

F***ing a**hole!

You d*ckhead!

- That's not gonna come off.

- No f***ing sh*t!

That's not gonna come off.

It's going to come off.

it's going to come off.

You f***ing, f***ing pricks.

- Okay, Dunn, stand up.

- Dunn, you're up. Stand up.

Let's see if you got

some hair on your butt.

- Ready? Go.

- One, two...

- What the hell?

- Your butt looks 80 years old.

- Does it?

- Somebody should iron you.

- Look at Phil's back.

- Let me see.

Man, you're missing

a lot of hair in there.

But no doo-doo stains, right?

- No.

- Not so much.

All right, good.

Why'd you grip it like that?

Why you biting off of Preston's steez

by going...?

Wait a minute, hold

those scissors down.

Oh, you son of a b*tch.

I have a free hand.

Hello!

- Here, I'll be like this to catch him.

- All right, you catch him.

Ryan, do you want

your pants up, first?

Catch me. Catch Knox.

- Grab Barn.

- No, keep your pants down.

- I don't want my balls hanging out.

- Ready then? Three...

Man, this is gonna suck.

Three, two, go.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

F*** me, man.

What a bunch of d*cks.

That's worse than Phil.

All right.

Wee Man, what are you doing?

You take the cake, bub.

You won't come out that easy.

Why don't you want to glue

Wee Man to Preston?

- Yes.

-I should lay down,

and you should lay down on top of me.

- Woof.

- Going right for it.

Like this?

- I think like this.

- No.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.

-A 69.

- Glued into 69.

I think that's the best way.

Well, f***ing lube him up

or lube me up!

- Let's go!

- Where's the glue?

- That's good.

- OK, OK, OK!

- Knoxville!

- Sorry.

A**hole!

We're really bros now.

You should see it from where I'm at.

Hold it. Two minutes!

Someone time it.

Two minutes is the longest

69 I've ever f***in' done!

- How do you plan on un-69-ing?

-I have no f***ing idea.

- I got an idea how to get him off.

- Slide them down the table, this way.

- No!

- What?

No, don't... Nicely.

Somebody go get me the stun gun.

No!

Yeah! Go get it! Get the stun gun!

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