Jackass 3D Page #3

I'm pulling off!

I'm pulling off! No! No! No!

That's not f***ing cool! No, no!

F***!

Look at my f***ing nipple!

My f***ing armpit kills!

Phil, pull it off.

- For real? Where, here?

- What's this from?

I can't. Let Ap do it.

- Yank it off.

- Ready, ready, ready...

Stop that.

I think that's it for Super Mighty Glue.

I think that's it for Super Mighty Glue.

Thank God none of us had that

foreskin you were talking about.

Does anyone have foreskin?

Anybody. Now's the time

to raise your hand.

Yeah.

Three, two, one, go!

Chicas.

Sorry. I hit my wrong button.

Give me my leg! Help!

Give me my leg!

That mutt's got my leg! Stop! Thief!

- Hey!

- Where you going?

Oh, God.

I went to the bathroom.

I have to change.

Run, run, run

run, run, run, run!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Hey, man.

What are you doing, man?

I messed myself. I messed myself.

- Can you help me?

- Hell, no. You going to clean it?

I'm cleaning it!

If you'll get off my case.

Hello. My name is Irving Zisman.

This is my grandson, Murray,

and today, we're

going to go buy a scooter.

Wow, what a lovely place.

Good selection.

- How you doing, sir?

- Good. I'm with my grandson.

- Oh, very nice.

- Yeah.

- How much does this cost?

- That's running about $2,000.

Two thousand?

What'd I do, break something?

My goodness.

What were you looking at

over there, Murray?

Just a couple of bikes down there.

Tell me a little bit

about this one here.

This is nice. I'll put it back.

- I'll be right back.

- OK.

Holy sh*t!

F***. Did I hit the wrong button?

What happened? Are you OK?

Sir, would you like me

to call the paramedics?

No, I'm fine!

- What happened?

- The old dude just took off.

Some guy just f***in'

went through the thing.

How'd he come through here?

He came through here?

He went out that way.

How'd he go out that way?

I think he's all right.

Oh, my goodness.

Up yours!

I'm Pontius the Barbarian,

and now the day has come

to slay the foul beast,

the devil's brethren.

Come, beast. Come meet your doom.

Oh, you sour beast!

You swine of the darkness!

I've long awaited

this blood orgy, you...

Fool! More!

Fool! He's got me!

F***! Goddamn it, get me out of here!

F***!

Dude, f*** this sh*t.

- What happened?

- I'm f***ing over it.

- It got you good right here.

-I know, it got me good a lot.

You got bit and stung,

so mission accomplished.

I'm f***ing pissed.

What'd you think

was going to happen?

Up a little. Yeah, right there.

Oh, sh*t.

We're here with BMX legend

Mat Hoffman,

and this is a Sweatsuit Cocktail.

So I guess the idea is

for the sweat to dribble down

into the funnel, into the cup.

That's rinky-dink, even for us.

That's coming right out of the ass.

We probably need a doctor.

You almost have a drop.

Man, it's f***ing hot in this!

Steve-O, face.

- What's that?

- Face.

Looks like white gravy.

Sop his face.

Bring the cup down a little bit.

- Get it, get it!

- Oh, Sh*t!

- Is that pee-pee or sweat?

- it's sweat, dude. Get it!

Wring that out, Steve-O.

We're losing Lance, guys.

What?

What is...? His head's bobbing.

Lance, you all right?

I think we just broke him again.

You OK?

- You need the camera?

- Yeah...

- The camera help you not get sick?

- Yeah, I'm...

All right, give him the camera so he...

Got it? You good?

Hey, someone follow me down the crack.

OK, here we go.

Steve-O! Steve-O! Lord!

Sorry! Sorry.

A prostate exam going on back there.

F*** sake, dude.

Here, let's take this sh*t off

and wring out the suit.

That makes me want to puke.

This is the first cocktail

you've had in two years, right?

Yeah. Here's to good health.

Chug that whole thing, Steve-O.

I think the cam...

Don't puke on that heater.

You're puking on...

Give me your camera.

You're puking right on your lens.

Here, we gotta like...

We're really falling apart here.

- Jesus.

-I love you, bro.

He just puked all over his camera.

That was the Sweatsuit Cocktail.

- Seriously.

- Yeah, brother.

My name is Santy Claus,

and I'm here with the Dudesons,

and this is the Christmas Tree.

Timber!

- Santa and elf is coming down hard.

- Yes!

Santa ain't climbed a tree

in quite a while.

And, I am gonna be honest,

Santa did have a couple last night.

So... this ain't gonna feel too good.

I'm just here to enjoy the ride.

How do you get started?

- You need a hand?

- F, yes! Santa needs a hand.

I just love that they're

climbing up a 40-foot tree,

and they're gonna have

a 60-foot drop and it's

-the top of the morning.

- Top of the morning to you!

- Santa looking good!

- Santa's f***ing tired.

Santa can barely hold on,

so let's go.

That was the hard part!

Now comes the easy part.

Bring out the saw!

They're letting Jarppi

work the chainsaw.

He's never touched a chainsaw before.

He's got one thumb.

How's he gonna hit the trigger?

He's gonna have no thumbs after this.

You ever get scared in these moments?

Yeah.

Push it! Push it the other way!

Jarppi, cutout!

Yeah, but you got to push!

There it goes, there it goes!

Timber!

F***!

Santa's coming out!

Are you all right?

I fell on the tree... on my ass!

- You fell on the tree?

- Yeah.

But you're alive.

You good?

Santa, I think that's the only proper

way to get yourself a Christmas tree.

With all that sleigh riding I do,

Santa really doesn't like heights,

I found out.

I'm Danger Ehren, and this

is Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

You got it.

Let me spin you around.

Spin you around.

OK. Spread your legs.

Tail up higher.

- Where'd he hit you?

- It didn't.

Where the f***

do you think it hit me?

Look, damn it!

Put that tail on that donkey.

OK, it's just a donkey.

Spread legs... spread legs.

That's good.

Get your dick lower.

You're going good. Spread legs.

Your walk is just amazing.

Straight, straight.

You're getting warm.

I heard that.

It got me in the dick!

It got me in the dick!

I see the hoof print on his ding-ding.

F***! I don't want to do that

anymore, if that's OK.

Hello...

Hello. My name is Johnny Knoxville.

We have professional football

players Erik Ainge, Jared Allen,

and our referee today,

Seann William Scott.

This is the Blindside.

- I didn't do it, Wee Man.

- I know.

I didn't do it.

Jared, why did you do that?

I really got lost in the moment.

Let's get this sh*t over with.

Blue... 24!

Blue... 24! Hut!

Oh, my God.

Looks like you didn't

block him, Preston.

You just planted me

in the f***ing ground!

That felt like sh*t.

Have you ever played

linebacker before?

- Years and years ago.

- You think you can give it a try?

Quickly review. What's your job?

Murder Knoxville's face.

- What's your job?

- Catch the ball.

- I mean...

- Let's do this!

I mean, catch the ball.

Do you think Knoxville's

gonna catch the ball?

- Nope.

- Who gives a sh*t?

Hey, Jared! Don't hit me

with your purse this time!

Nice Wristband, douche.

Ten hut!

Did I Catch it?

People don't realize

football's a game of physics.

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