Jackass Number Two

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Holy sh*t!

Oh, f***!

No, no, no!

Oh, sh*t!

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

Welcome to Jackass!

All right, boys and girls.

It's time for a puppet show.

Once upon a time,

there was a hungry serpent

and a lonely field mouse

who needed a friend.

Hello, Mr. Serpent.

My name is Mr. Mousey.

I wanna be your friend.

Yeah, just make sure my

whole weiner's out. I wanna look good.

How about if I tickle him on the tail?

Hey, over here.

That's not nice.

That's not the way we play back home.

That was not nice.

Dude.

He's like an inch away.

Here we go. Give me a little kissy.

A little kiss.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, that hurts!

It's got its tooth stuck in his dick!

I guess the puppet show's over then.

Oh, my God.

"Hi, Jackass guys.

"I heard you were staying at this hotel."

- What the f*** is that?

- Dude, look at that.

It's like... Someone like...

Look at it. What is this?

I can't even read it, dude.

Read it out loud.

"Hi, Jackass guys.

I heard you were staying at this hotel.

"My name is Stephanie

and me and my friends love you.

"Some of you actually hooked up

with my sister four years ago.

"I don't care about that."

Oh! You f***ing dick.

Oh, my God.

I was wondering

why it was so f***ing small.

Did you see this?

F***ing fans just wrote this, like,

saying how much they want to f*** us.

And it says...

Read it up close. It's f***ing hilarious.

- Read it out loud for the camera.

- Okay.

"Some of you actually hooked up

with my sister four years ago."

It was probably you.

"And I don't care about that.

"Me and my friends

will totally rock your world.

"I wanna f*** you all."

It's the f***ing stupidest thing

I've ever seen.

Fans actually put that...

Read the little part, dude.

Get Wee Man's little ass up here

but only if... No one be in the hall.

- Just, like, Bam. He's selling it so good.

- Is there a chair out here?

Wee Man, dude,

some girl wants to rock your world.

Dude, you got to read this.

These fans put up this...

Dude, stand on this.

Read it out loud for the camera.

It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude.

"Hi, Jackass guys.

I heard you were staying at this hotel.

"My name is Stephanie

and me and my friends love you.

"Some of you actually hooked up

with my sister four years ago.

"I don't care about that.

"Me and my friends..."

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

He actually stood on the chair.

Why would there ever be a chair

in the hallway?

I'm Dave England,

and this is the Firehose Rodeo.

F***ing hell!

God damn it!

Oh, sh*t!

- Bravo, homo.

- Did you see how he slammed?

My ass hurts so f***ing bad!

- Hey, is it bleeding?

- Yeah.

Man, you are bleeding.

- My ass is bleeding?

- We have rectal bleeding.

Another first for Jackass.

Get back here, you little bastard!

Get back here!

Now it's time

for a little Bicentennial BMXing.

- All right.

- Alley-oop.

Hear ye, hear ye.

This is really going to suck.

Why would anybody ride this sh*t?

It's like, what's the reasoning?

Why wouldn't they just make

two of the same-size wheel?

Oh, f***.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

You didn't land it.

My head stopped my body

from getting really hurt on that one.

Oh, f***.

See, we have a weight going up

and it's supposed to hit me in the nuts,

but I'd prefer to have, like,

a dildo instead of the weight

and then, instead of the nuts,

it'll be my ass. It'll go right in.

That's the way to do it.

Could somebody

make a dick run? Please?

Today's debate.

Is it wrong to be strong?

You be the judge.

Now, Bam just took a golden dildo

up his ass at high speed.

That's what happened.

My name is Gloria and I'm 90 years old.

And I'm a slut.

Okay, I'm going to go

get us a table now, okay?

- Bye, Mama. Thank you.

- Goodbye.

Go ahead. I'm fine.

Excuse me, sir.

Could I use your cellular telephone?

What's the number?

I don't know what number. It's the driver.

- Oh, yes. Could you dial it for me?

- Yes, yes.

What is the number?

I don't know.

What is his number? I don't know.

This happens every time I go to brunch.

- Is this okay for now?

- Yes, thank you.

I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor,

and this is the Mini-Loop.

He can barely ride it.

F***.

F***!

All right, let Thor try it.

Come on.

I hit my head pretty hard.

Good thing I'm wearing that helmet.

Safety first.

I love that confidence.

I'm not gay but I...

I kind of want to f*** him.

- Come on, Danger, get on it.

- How's the bike?

Bike's good.

He's mocking the loop.

After this movie comes out, you're

totally going to lose your virginity.

- You almost pulled it off.

- I don't think dudes count, Chris.

Here we are

at some random-ass ranch,

and this is the Brand.

And it's gonna suck.

- Drop them.

- Good luck.

Christ!

- You have no hair on your ass.

- It is pretty.

- You ready?

- No.

- You better get ready quick.

- That is a mini hard dick right there.

Try not to move around. You don't want

to have two of those things on you.

Oh, dear God.

I wasn't bummed for you, till right now.

Okay.

If I take it off,

it's gonna go cold in a second.

I have to keep it on

until we're ready to film.

F***.

All right.

You said 10 seconds 20 seconds ago.

Clean him off.

- All right, you ready?

- No.

Don't move.

- Go, go, go!

- Don't move.

Press it hard, you idiot!

F***! It's good.

No, it's not, dude. You got to hold it to it.

Oh, f***!

Dude, that hurts so f***ing bad!

Well, if you didn't jump out of the way,

I would've had it done the first time.

- You should've pressed, you a**hole!

- I did press! You went like that!

F***! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.

Turn around.

I'm not going to burn you again.

I already got you three times.

- Three of them.

- You gave me a hologram dick.

There's three solid d*cks,

there's one half-assed one right here

and then you gave me a set of balls.

- But a sweet set of balls.

- Rad.

I'd rather rip my dick off

and throw it in the river

than to do that again.

God damn.

We're at Ape and Phil's house

and I'm gonna present them

the branded dick on my butt.

Let me rephrase that. D*cks.

- Well, I gave him a present.

- What present?

He loved it.

- What?

- It still hurts.

- What? What am I looking at?

- He gave me a dick farm on my ass.

Oh, my God! What is that?

What is that?

- I branded his ass.

- It's supposed to be a dick

but he did it six times,

so now I have a dick farm on my ass.

- Is that permanent?

- Yes! Look!

- What is that, a tattoo?

- It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.

Bam, that is so infected!

That does not look good. Oh, my God,

he's going to have that for life!

- You're going to have that for life.

- No sh*t.

If you have one on there, you should've

made it bigger and more realistic.

- That puny thing's embarrassing.

- Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.

I know, and you had the cutest butt ever

and now you've ruined it.

- No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.

- Yeah, why'd you ruin it?

I tried to do it good. He jumped around.

I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.

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