Jackass Number Two Page #2

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Why would you burn him

in the first place, Dunn?

- Because it was funny.

- It's not funny.

Get ready to be happy,

ladies and gentlemen.

Johnny Knoxville is going to jump

the entire lake.

He's amazing.

What happened? You were going about

one mile per hour,

then, all of a sudden, 60.

I thought you were gonna hang on.

There is no holding on

to that motherf***er.

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan

is going to jump the entire lake.

Mark, give our regards

to the folks on the other side.

I thought they forgot to set it off

and then it just took off.

- I don't know what happened.

- I don't either.

- All I know is he almost made it.

- He's a hero.

We're here in England

with Mat Hoffman

and he's about to jump

the English Channel into Germany.

Good luck, Mat.

That was f***ing great.

What was so great about that?

He didn't even go to Germany.

Oh, my God.

It's a lovely day for a swim

in the Gulf of Mexico.

I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.

Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.

- Oh, dude.

- We got it? We're good?

That hurt to do that to you.

Yeah, it looks great.

- Oh, my God.

- All right, cast me out, God damn it.

Now it's time for some man-fishing.

- The hammerhead's right there.

- Oh, my God.

Thank God we brought Manny

to make sure sharks would show up.

He's coming to get you, Steve-O.

Act like a sick or wounded animal.

Look at that fin right behind him.

Dude, isn't this movie

supposed to be a comedy?

I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks

with Steve-O as my bait.

It's like a dream come true.

Oh, my God.

- Here comes a mako!

- Oh, sh*t! Steve-O!

Oh, my God.

He's right behind you, Steve-O.

- I am the f*** out of here.

- No, you're good, man.

Stay in there.

The shark's coming right at you!

Oh, sh*t.

- Come on, stay out there, O!

- You already got the f***ing shot!

I want to hear Manny scream.

Dude, I f***ing kicked the thing

in the f***ing head!

Get up here.

Steve-O, do you know

how lucky you are?

A mako almost bit your foot off.

I've been so lucky today.

F***!

You are lucky.

F***, that hurts. Damn it.

Thank you so much, God.

You bastard.

This is champion card-thrower

Jim Karol.

He's come to throw cards

into Wee Man's ass.

What Wee Man doesn't realize is that

he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool.

God, I hate picking on Wee Man.

- Wee Man, I'd say you're up.

- Jump up on the stool.

All right, on three

I'm gonna whip it at you.

You might feel it a little bit, all right?

- On three. Ready?

- Don't worry about it.

One,

two...

F***! That f***ing...

Did it hit a nerve?

- Dude, it hit, like, right in there.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard.

Try one more. It didn't stick.

He's going to get it to stick.

On three. One,

two,

three.

I don't f***ing like that, dude.

No, I don't f***ing like that, dude.

That f***ing hurts, dude.

Tell the camera

exactly what's happening.

All right, every time this dude

throws a f***ing card in my ass,

it f***ing jolts me, so I jump off.

I'm not going to f***ing sit there.

- Let me do a pickup shot.

- No.

The pickup shot is,

you pinch the card in your butt.

- Just stick it in there so it's sticking out.

- All right.

- Okay, go.

- One, two, three.

It's still in there.

- Jump back up.

- Do you want me to lift you on there?

- Wait...

- Okay, f***ers!

No, there's a machine in here

f***ing doing it,

you f***ing f***ers.

Where's the f***ing

card-throwing machine?

Where's the f***ing

card-throwing machine, dude?

Show him what it is.

Show him what's funny.

Oh, the f***ing chair's rigged!

Oh, my God.

There's a card-throwing machine

in here, dude.

Dude, Wee Man, I would never use

a card-throwing machine on you.

That couldn't have gone any better.

I didn't know that

Knoxville could do back flips.

It was, like, a front flip.

- Where do yaks come from?

- That's from Siberia.

So that's why Eskimos

don't have rodeos.

Yeah.

Tell me about your

original drawing for this.

See, when I come up with my ideas,

I don't write them down.

I just draw a picture

and fax it to Los Angeles.

I just drew a picture of a fat-ass

and a little guy

with a bungee cord connected.

Jason, how do you compare this

kind of athleticism to what you guys do?

You guys are

a hell of a lot more athletic than us

and a lot crazier, too.

Dude, look how nervous he is.

We're here in Miami Beach

with Jason Taylor

and this is the Bungee Jump.

- Are you ready, Preston?

- Just go! Just go!

Three, two, one...

Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God.

- Preston.

- That worked perfect.

- Did I yank you?

- Oh, f***, yeah.

Okay, I went down, I'm upside-down,

I see Preston coming.

Once he was past me,

he pulled me down more.

- So, like, I slammed the water.

- Oh, you were above the water?

Yeah, I felt the full pressure

of the bungee.

That was intense. Really intense.

Well, not really intense,

but pretty intense.

- What's your name again?

- What? Irving.

- Irving, yeah.

- Irving Zisman.

Hey, can we get some fries, please?

Some time today.

There you go. Take a sip.

That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.

You got a light?

Sh*t.

Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?

- Piss off, man.

- Is it?

He said, "Piss off!"

Jesus.

Here, Gramps.

Thank you.

Don't hog it all, you little prick.

Give me that.

- This is LA.

- What?

- This is LA.

- Yeah?

- Don't do what?

- We don't drink out in public.

- You don't drink out in public?

- No.

- Well, maybe you should start, bub.

- Yeah. Where are you guys from?

- We're from your face.

- Yeah?

- Mind your own business, a**hole.

- What?

I said,

"Mind your own business, a**hole."

- Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy.

- What are you gonna do?

- You wanna step outside?

- We're already outside, numbnuts.

He asked me if I wanted to step outside.

- You are from LA, ain't you, boy?

- Do you want to go around the block?

Yeah, we'll go around the block.

We'll go around the block

and see your mother.

This is bullshit.

We're surrounded by cocksuckers.

All right, kid.

It's time for Grandpa's massage.

You get massages

with happy endings?

That's right.

- Say goodbye to the hippies.

- Bye, hippies.

- Don't get beat up out here.

- "Beat up out here"?

I don't have to worry about that in LA.

Not with you skinny sons of b*tches.

Okay, Old Man River.

Watch your mouth.

I hear a lot of talking.

You're letting that bulldog mouth

overload that puppy-dog ass.

Look at him. Look how tough he is.

You allow your nine-year-old son

to drink?

- It's my grandson.

- I don't give a f***.

Wow, now you swear in front of him?

What kind of role model are you?

What kind of role model are you?

Get the f*** out of here

and go back to Mississippi.

Step over this line.

Just step over that line.

- Oh! You stepped over the line!

- I didn't step over a line.

You stepped over the line.

That long hair

don't cover that red neck, boy.

Piss off!

- Let's go.

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