Jackass Number Two Page #3

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- Go crawl back in your mama's ass!

What the f*** is that?

What the hell is that?

We're sledding.

- Bam, what the hell are you doing?

- We're sledding.

- Give me a ten!

- What about my floor?

- How's your belly feeling, dude?

- I'm just a diarrhea machine.

- Is it like a baby? Is it kicking?

- It's very similar to a baby.

- Is it kicking?

- No, come on! No.

Seriously, I'm not joking. Seriously.

Are you gonna sh*t?

Wouldn't you feel better?

We have a whole wardrobe van.

I don't want a new wardrobe.

I just wanna not sh*t my pants.

So, the boys think they're

arriving in a limo for a photo shoot,

but little do they know,

we have a shitload of bees

we're going to put through the sun roof.

And we rigged the locks

so they can't get out.

And when they do get out,

we got a couple of marbles for them.

This is the Beehive Limo.

Last movie, you sh*t in a damn van

and now you get to sh*t in a limo.

Yeah, you're stepping it up.

You're stepping it up, dude.

Oh, this isn't good.

Dude, close that f***ing sun roof, dude!

F***! F***! We're locked in!

Oh, my God, that sucks!

They're f***ing stinging my legs!

Get the f*** off of me, dude!

You're getting them over here.

You guys are f***ing d*cks, man. F***.

They're on my feet!

The poor driver's running around,

freaking out.

That's so good.

Sorry, bros.

I pissed myself.

One just got me, right now,

as we speak. Look at that.

F***.

- That was real funny, f***ers.

- Is there even a photo shoot?

We're here with the Three 6 Mafia,

and it's time for the Rake Jump.

Do it!

What an idiot.

I'm going to pay this motherf***er

right here 200 smackeroos,

it's not counterfeit, it's real,

to eat horse sh*t.

But it's all furry, though.

- Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!

Really eat it, though.

Chew, chew, chew!

Swallow it!

- Put your shades up!

- Hold the 200.

- Come on, soldier!

- Don't even think about not swallowing.

It's so dry!

Don't even think about it!

- Swallow it!

- Don't you even think about it.

Don't you even think about it.

- He ain't soft!

- Swallow it! Swallow it, nigga!

Give him a beer, give him a beer.

Give it to him, give it to him!

Really eat it, though.

- I'm watching you.

- Yes, sir.

Here, man.

Dude, your breath smells like sh*t!

We're here with Daniel Alvarez

from ALS Technologies and...

Why don't you explain what this is

and what we're gonna be doing?

Well, this is the 460 Stingmore Mine.

It has approximately 700

.45-caliber rubber balls in it.

They'll fly out of there

at about 500 feet per second.

They use these charges

on the outside of embassies

to protect the gates

from people trying to break in.

- Looks like it's gonna suck.

- It is. I promise.

Fire in the hole.

- F*** that, dude.

- F***ing Christ!

That is great!

I'm about to, like,

have an anxiety attack.

I just can't do this one.

It's just too gnarly.

Dude, Knoxville is...

If Knoxville goes in there, dude,

I'll French kiss him.

- Are you insane?

- No. All you got to do is stand there.

Yeah, and get killed. Look at that thing.

That thing blew the hell up.

It's just loud. It's loud. It's going to hurt

really bad, but it's just loud.

You're nuts.

- No, no, no. Come on. It's footage.

- You're nuts.

Son of a... F*** you.

Holy sh*t!

All you guys are f***ing a**holes.

- You all right, Bam?

- You all right?

My God.

- Are you crying?

- I think he's hurt.

Can we give Bam some water?

Maybe a Shirley Temple.

I'm crying. I'm a f***ing skateboarder

and I'm getting shot.

They all went for my stomach.

I got hit in the legs worse.

Those... Did any get me in the face?

You got hit in the stomach pretty good.

- That was great.

- That was.

- Thanks, fellows.

- Yeah. Appreciate it.

Hey, is this okay?

Then we're good.

Do you like painting models?

Yeah, but I don't need models

for this type of work.

Okay.

- It looks very vaginal and feminine.

- Well, thank you.

- And sexual.

- Thank you.

- Yes, thank you. It's beautiful.

- Thank you.

It's time to play a game

with a bunch of these medicine balls.

And they're heavy as sh*t.

It's on!

- This is Medicine Ball Dodgeball.

- In the dark.

Can't see anything.

- What did you think?

- That was fun. Let's never do that again.

Ever!

Three, two, one!

Holy...

Who'd want to do that?

You're not doing that.

- Who's going first?

- What rhymes with Dunn?

Fun.

- Ready, sailor?

- No.

- This is dumb.

- This is going to be dope.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.

Get me out of this!

You're a f***ing dick.

That was mean.

He needs help.

That was so mean.

You are an a**hole.

That was totally not me.

I had nothing to do with it.

You pulled it down!

I didn't!

Oh, my God, my hip. I think I gave birth.

Hi, I'm John Waters,

and this is the Magic Trick.

We're gonna make Wee Man disappear.

Where'd he go?

Very nice.

That's great.

You're the best magician ever, John.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville

and I'm here with Mat Hoffman

and Tony Hawk

and this is the Gauntlet.

I just gave him a chest pass!

Open the windows!

This is the Toro Totter.

It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam

and the last man on the teeter-totter

is the winner.

It's gonna be a bloodbath.

Oh, yes!

What did I do?

What did I do?

Dunn, stay there!

So why did I agree to do this one?

Ryan, run! Ryan, run!

My God.

Sh*t.

Bam, where are you going?

I am not doing that.

F*** that.

Down to two!

I got hit in the back good.

Hey, Knoxville. Oh, sh*t!

God damn it. F***ing sh*t. F***.

- You all right?

- Yeah. Hold on.

What do you mean, "Hold on"?

The bull's not going to hold on.

Oh, my f***ing leg!

God damn, these bulls are strong.

Oh, God.

I'm not out!

Oh, my God.

I'm still not out!

All right, that's it. That's it.

Oh, my God.

Keep God out of California!

Tell Charlie Daniels

to write a song about this!

God is out! He can have the other 48.

Or 49, whatever.

God, I landed straight on my head.

Oh, man, that hurt.

Dude, I'm f***ed.

I'm Steve-O and sorry, Dad,

but nobody's going to miss this

for the world.

This is the Butt Chug.

Oh, no.

- I'll hold this while you bulldog it.

- Get it in there.

- Ram it in there.

- It's really got to get in there.

- Open wide!

- Oh, my God.

Take it.

Just relax. Relax. Yeah, do your little...

I'm staring right down Main Street.

It's not looking any good at all.

You're starting to enjoy that, aren't you?

- Oh, sh*t.

- There it goes! There it goes!

- Keep it going.

- There we go.

Chug, chug it!

- Take it all!

- Oh, yeah!

- Take it.

- I think your a**hole's prehensile.

You got it! You got it!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

You got this! Keep on going!

Come on, you've almost got it!

Two more sips left.

- Oh, my God.

- Give me a profile, Steve.

He's peeing like a girl!

Steve-O, if your a**hole

can't see the camera,

then the camera can't see your a**hole.

- The camera's over here!

- Right there, right there, right there.

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