Jackass Number Two Page #4

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Look at Lance!

Lance can't stop laughing.

He's doesn't know how to face

the cameras when he's peeing.

Oh, my God.

- I think we broke Lance.

- I know.

I think I still have beer in my ass,

but I can't get it out.

Use the bottle.

Put the bottle up your ass.

- Use the plunger!

- Yeah, plunge his a**hole.

You'd better sh*t piss, asswipe!

All right, let's go to the bar.

Perfect.

F***.

I'm Ryan Dunn,

and this is the Rocket Cart.

Five, four, three, two, one...

Bye-bye.

- I think I broke my tailbone.

- Really? On the water?

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville

and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.

Oh, f***!

I have on a cup and that still hurts.

Anacondas are expert at camouflage.

They're ambush hunters.

- So, what does that mean?

- They surprise you.

I don't know

if I'm gonna be that surprised.

You guys got to catch these guys, man.

They tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube.

Yeah, I know. I know.

- Something in your mike?

- Don't f***ing push me.

I'm on your team.

You got him.

Get the other camera.

Grab him.

F***!

Oh, man.

- Dude, he is bleeding a lot.

- Yeah.

He's starting to smell you guys.

Dude, you guys are doing excellent.

Real good. You guys got it.

Get him. You got him.

Got him! You guys got him.

Oh, no, Dunn's getting coiled. Oh, sh*t.

Get your f***ing hands off me!

You guys have been doing good.

- Where'd his head go?

- He's buried.

- You got him!

- Yeah!

- I have seized the snake.

- Yeah.

It's f***ing wrapped around my arm.

Just take him to Manny.

Take him to Manny.

Hey, Manny, come here a minute.

I got him.

Oh, my God, you got nailed.

I didn't do anything. He did all the work.

All right. We seized the snake.

Run, Ryan, run.

Oh, sh*t.

We forgot about the other snake.

This is the Ice Horse.

See if your balls will stick to the horse.

- Come on!

- You want me to do it?

For the bros.

It's for the bros. Come on.

- It's not gonna stick.

- Yeah, it can stick.

You just need a little water.

Anybody got some water?

- Great.

- Thanks!

Don't think about it. Just do it.

You are a**holes.

God, your legs are white.

Here. You've got to really

get the water on the balls.

Oh, that's horrible-looking!

It's yanking my hair!

Are you done?

- What an ass!

- Oh, my God!

It ripped my skin off.

Look at the blister.

Look at him gallop.

Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop!

I'm Wee Man,

and this is the Swamp Chute.

Holy sh*t, dude. You all right?

What? I can't hear, kind of.

"I can't hear, kind of"!

You skipped across the water

like a rock.

Dude, you were at least

an 80-mile-an-hour fastball.

Oh, my God.

When you step into this suit,

magic happens.

Today, we're in Carmen de Arrico

with our friend Serg,

and he is going to show us

how to milk a horse.

The way we're gonna do that is,

they're gonna bring over a stallion

who's gonna be hot to trot.

And they're gonna have the mare here.

And as soon as the stallion

mounts the mare,

we're going to grab the stallion's penis

and put it into this fake horse vagina.

The old switcheroo.

What a mean trick.

- Here we go.

- Here comes the stallion.

He's got the craziest look in his eye.

I've seen that same look

in your eye, Pontius.

It's game on, guys.

Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, boy.

Okay. We got the penis

into the fake horsy vagina.

I think I feel the tip of it.

Somebody cradle the balls.

He lasts longer than you, Steve-O.

Success!

- Oh, my God.

- He just pleasured a horse.

Is it okay to drink?

Yeah.

No problem.

If I do this, this gives me an out

for something bad

I'm going to do in the future.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

- All right. It's on video.

- Okay.

That is such a huge load.

I don't know, man.

I could have pictured...

Can you test that out?

That's semen, all right.

I never puke, ever,

and I really almost puked then.

I'm ashamed of myself.

I really am.

I'm completely ashamed of myself.

- Ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?

You're not going to

break through, anyway.

Pontius, you think

you can do two boards?

Yeah.

What's Bruce Lee do?

That power-breathing.

I think I got it.

Oh, my God!

I was so not ready for that!

We're at the Widowmaker

and this is the Big Tire Race.

- I can't get in this thing.

- Yes, you can.

I guarantee you're getting in it.

Oh, crap.

- On your mark!

- F***!

Get set! Go!

- You are f***ed.

- Oh, sh*t!

I'm stuck in here!

Dude.

We got you, buddy.

I hate that. I hate it so bad!

F***ing sucky.

- Why do you hate it?

- I'm bouncing in my f***ing head.

- You got it, Ehren.

- Here, Ehren.

- Jesus Christ, you got a fat f***ing ass.

- You got to help!

Oh, f***!

We're here in India

and we found a leech healer

and these boys need a little healing.

- Doc, can you help us?

- Yeah, why not?

That sounds good.

Let's put one on Dave's nut.

Well, don't hand it to me.

All right, gentlemen.

That's the biggest leech I ever saw.

Oh, f***! Oh, f***!

- Oh, my God.

- My God.

No!

He's on. He's on.

He's on. He's on.

F***! Sh*t!

Help.

You got to leave it on for a while.

F*** this.

You got to leave it on.

You got to let...

F***ing sh*t.

Please, take it off me.

- Please, will you take it off me?

- All right, I'm gonna take it off!

Please.

- Don't worry about a thing.

- Take it off.

- Just get it off me.

- This is gonna be so funny.

Just get it the f*** off me.

Wait, let's see what you got.

F*** you!

F***!

And now for the grand finale,

the leech monocle.

Thanks, Doc.

- Jesus Christ.

- Look over here. Look over here.

Okay, this is the mouth.

Here we go.

Get him on there.

Come on, leech.

Oh, he's eyeballing you.

I think we'd...

He's on my eyeball!

No, wait, wait!

Okay, stand up and keep your eye open.

Keep your eye open.

Keep your eye open, Steve-O!

Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open!

Open! Open, toward... No!

Look!

Relax. Relax.

Does it look cool?

Yeah. It got you about right there.

I just had a leech chomp my eyeball.

Yes!

Way to go.

Are these all for sale today?

Yeah. $5.

Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts.

They're beautiful colors.

This one's really nice.

- Do you think that...

- Oh, sh*t.

I'd like to buy, maybe, the one...

Hey, your titty out.

- What's that?

- He said your shirt is open.

Put this shirt on?

No, your shirt...

Your thing is hanging out of your

shirt, ma'am. What are you doing?

Put your shirt back on.

Which one was the one you thought

I should get?

Leave me alone!

Bam is absolutely terrified of snakes,

so we brought David Weathers here

to surprise him during the next bit.

King cobra.

Jesus...

Oh, my God.

It's cool. It's been de-venomized.

I'm Bam Margera

and this is the Wind Tunnel.

Oh, my God. What?

Bam, cock out. Cock out.

No, no, no! No, no!

A f***ing cobra, dude?

Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him

staring like that.

Oh, dude, you guys

are f***ing such total d*ckheads.

- Are you crying?

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

He's on to you.

I'm done.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Dave, Dave!

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