Jackass Number Two Page #5

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Yo, that is coolest sh*t

I've seen in long time.

White boy don't like snakes.

Eh?

What's your strategy up there?

My strategy is staying up on the f***ing

van because I don't trust anybody.

I should have thought about it more,

but I was sipping on beer.

I was like, "Why the f*** is snake dude

in Louisiana?"

Then I do my bit

and then all of a sudden

a king cobra comes

into the f***ing thing.

I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here.

You f***ers are asses.

I don't trust anybody.

And you made me waste my beer.

- F***ing hell.

- F*** this.

I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fart Mask.

I took a f***ing sh*t in it!

There's sh*t in there.

I got a shitty ass. I got to go wipe it out.

That's like, the perfect poop.

I'm Dave England

and this is my big, green ball.

I need you to put baby powder

in my butt hole.

You need me to put...

- Put a lot in there.

- Yeah, yeah. That's great.

Who was that?

Did it go "poof"?

Did it go "poof"?

It did?

Sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Do you have these in size 11?

Let me just see.

These are good.

- Sir!

- Leave me alone!

You come on in here.

You go that way. I don't care, dude.

Police!

He's a frisky little bugger!

I am so sorry!

Oh, my God!

It reminded me of my ex-wife!

It's the middle of the night.

We're gonna wake up Phil

and swap him with Preston,

and Ape's gonna lose her mind.

This is the Switcheroo.

It's all right.

Don't be afraid to get frisky.

I'm gonna kill you in a minute.

Phil, back up.

Back up!

Back up.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Are you all right? Jesus Christ.

Are you...

Are you...

Phil?

Phil?

Phil?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- What?

- What?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Who is that? Who is that?

Who is that?

That's not your dad. Who is that?

Who is that? Where's the light?

- How you doing, ma'am?

- What? Who?

I went to get a drink. What's going on?

Oh, my God!

Man, I just felt like

I was committing assault.

Phil, he copped a feel.

He got away with it, then.

Have you ever been

with another man before?

Did he feel fatter?

Did he feel fatter?

You can answer. I won't be mad.

I just assaulted you!

You can say whatever you want!

No, you felt shorter.

- No, you can say anything you want.

- You felt that part?

That's it. I'm going to bed now.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, sh*t.

What was that sh*t?

It's f***ing in my eyes.

What the f*** was that?

Oh, my...

I f***ing don't understand.

What the f*** did you do to me?

What the f*** was that?

That f***ed me up, man.

Let's go inside, man.

- Are you okay?

- Oh, f***, dude.

Let's get inside. We got a medic inside.

It's moments like these when you know

Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.

I'm so glad

I'm not the star of this movie.

Knoxville's gonna see

what the moon's gonna look like.

He is gonna go definitely 60 feet up

in the air.

He's gonna get annihilated.

But I don't wanna tell him that.

You're gonna be just fine!

Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and this is my Big Red Rocket.

Five, four, three, two, one...

Go.

What the f*** was that?

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God, he almost died

and he's dancing.

Usually, rockets fail backwards

and forwards, I was told,

but there was a rocket

that came out the side.

If it had been, like, right here,

that would have been a picture wrap

on old Knoxville.

And now we're trying it again.

It's rocket launch, take two.

I'm scared just watching.

- I want a Lance helmet.

- I have full, like, adrenaline.

Even if the rocket doesn't blow up

on me this time,

there's really not a lot of great ways

for it to end, anyway.

- This isn't the best idea ever.

- Yes, it is.

I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and I'm going to the moon!

Five, four, three, two, one...

Later!

Are you okay?

Give us a thumbs-up!

So what's going on, Preston?

What are we doing today?

We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren.

I think that we're gonna

decorate him up like a terrorist,

with full makeup and wardrobe,

and him and Dimitry

are gonna call a cab,

the idea being to play a prank

on the taxi driver,

that they wanna go to the airport,

I guess to commit

some sort of terrorist act.

- So, Ehren, where are you going?

- Yeah, where are you going?

I'm going to Burbank Airport.

And, meanwhile, we've substituted

the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar...

And he is going to punch Ehren in

the face and possibly pull a gun on him.

If he tries to say we're filming,

just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!"

And slap him like this.

You can slap him a lot, too.

I don't know how he'll handle this.

It's pretty high-pressure.

And I don't think

he does well under pressure.

All right, so here I am

trying to contribute

to Ehren McGhehey's new beard.

And I hope he knows that I skipped

showering for about a week and a half

just to make this a little bit more gross.

Sorry, Ehren.

Look at the mane on him!

Someone's got to pick that

out of their teeth.

I'd be so bummed

if I was Ehren right now.

You, like, put powder in there?

Yeah, I put a little Gold Bond on

this morning.

Tickles!

One of the most toxic concoctions

known to man.

It's a disease nest.

Mine, you don't need a lot of.

It's like just a little bit of

rattlesnake venom will get you.

Is that the whole patch?

Wait, I'm just wondering.

Mike, is that a crab?

- What's that white speck on top?

- What is that?

That's a crab.

Mike's got crabs.

Hey, guys! Guys! Mike's got crabs!

What's that?

This? Spirit gum. It's like, the adhesive

that's gonna keep the beard on.

How's the dialog? I mean,

I've never, like, done this before.

- It's a game, you know.

- Compliment him, followed by an insult.

- This is f***ed, dude.

- Just don't break the character.

All right, Ehren, the main thing,

you cannot tell him you're

from any country in particular.

This is such a good bit.

It's muffed up, but it's great.

Close your mouth. Relax.

We're making you look like

what we think this guy

expects a terrorist to look like.

You're not making fun of anybody.

We're just trying to scare the cab driver.

I kind of already know that.

Father. Hello, Father.

You shut up.

I told you to come here earlier.

- I'm sorry, Father.

- You are late. You cannot be accepted.

I have disgraced you.

Where have you been,

you little bastard?

- I have been making a number two.

- Oh.

Ehren, you are king.

Thank you very much.

What are you laughing at?

You people, you.

Bam Margera and sh*t.

Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff.

Hello.

- Hello. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

I look creepy, man.

I wish that I was born this way.

You sound like schtick now.

Don't turn it into a comedy routine.

No, very good. I know what to do now.

No, I think there's gonna be some...

So, we have two cameras following...

Excuse me.

Hello?

I'd like to say, for not ever having

done makeup before your disguise,

I feel pretty...

Like I've achieved something.

I feel like I'm eating pubes right now.

I got this sh*t all in my mouth.

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