Jackass Number Two Page #6

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- Is it on the corner?

- Yes, it's like I'm chewing on this sh*t.

- Is this real hair?

- No. Go like this.

I'm going to get it out of your mouth.

Okay. Does that feel better?

Well, I still got it

on the back of my tongue.

There. Out?

Yeah, very good.

- Very expert.

- Thank you.

Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey

and this is Terror Taxi.

Now I shall call to taxi.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the best skit of this movie.

The cab's here. We're on. We're on.

Let's do it.

- He has no clue.

- I don't want the makeup to bleed.

- We get to listen the whole time?

- I'm so glad I hopped in this van.

Oh, my God.

He's feeling the part so hard

and he has no clue.

It's all downhill from here.

To the Burbank Airport, please.

Okay.

- Where are you guys from?

- It's none of your business, I'm sorry.

You got any luggage or...

No, no luggage where we going.

I do not like this country

very much, though.

I like the countryside, though.

The countryside is good.

And the breasts.

Yeah, I'm married.

What size is your wife's breasts?

Yeah, well, let's just leave my wife

out of it, okay?

Very good, very good.

Are they bigger than a D?

I love Ds.

Do you want me to f***ing pull over?

I mean, is that the f***...

No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk.

There's an airplane, there!

We are very, very close.

Boom! We are very, very close.

What does that mean, "Boom"?

Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!"

And all that.

There is the airport back there.

Which way are you going?

Where you going? Where are

you going? Where are you going?

Where are you going, man?

Where are you going?

Do not go down the alleyway.

Very scary. Stop it! F*** you!

F*** you! F*** you!

You are a crazy man. F*** you up!

F*** you! A**hole!

Sh*t f***er! Sh*t f***er! A**hole!

F***ing money, I give you money,

lots of money!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

I'll blow us up right now!

Right now! Right now I'll blow you up!

What the f*** is up, man?

What the f*** is going on?

He's got a f***ing gun, man.

What the f*** is going on?

He's got a f***ing gun, man.

I got a bomb, dude!

F*** you! I got a f***ing bomb, dude!

Dude, get the f*** off of me!

Get the f*** off me!

Get the f*** off of me!

We're just filming a skit!

Get the f*** off of me!

- What do you want me to do?

- Get on the floor.

- What do you want me to do?

- Get on the f***ing floor.

Just get on the floor, dude.

Lay down.

This is f***ed.

Lay down on your face.

What the f***, dude? I mean, come on!

I f***ing knew it, dude. He f***ing

carries a gun. This is bullshit.

Just do what he says.

Just do what the f*** he says, dude.

Stay there.

I'm gonna f***ing call the cops.

This guy's got a f***ing gun, dumbshits!

Come on! Get the f*** out here!

Don't f***ing move!

Don't point the gun at me anymore,

you piece of sh*t!

Then lay down!

- F***!

- Just f***ing relax, dude.

F***, it's a gun, dude.

F***!

- What the f*** do you want from us?

- Get up!

Get up, Ehren. Get the f*** up.

Why? Why should I get up?

You have me on the f***ing ground.

Ehren, he has a f***ing gun.

Just get the f*** up, dude.

We gotta get the f*** out of here.

- Get in there.

- No, f*** you.

- Just do what he says, dude.

- Get the f*** in the trunk.

He's got a f***ing gun pointed at me,

fuckface, a**hole, cocksucker!

- Get in the f***ing trunk!

- Dude, get in the trunk.

If you f*** me up, I will f***ing find you,

somehow, or something.

- Just get in.

- Seriously.

Why am I getting in the f***ing back

of this f***ing cab, dude?

- He's got a f***ing gun!

- Get the f*** back here!

Dude, just f***ing put the gun down!

You shut the f*** up!

- Oh f***, dude!

- Holy sh*t!

- What the f***, dude?

- Get the f*** on the ground!

I'm f***ing serious!

I'm bleeding.

No, no! Dude, we're filming.

- F*** you! Get the f*** out of here!

- No, we're f***ing filming!

That's Bam Margera, dumbshit!

He's famous!

Look, there's cameras,

there's a sound guy.

We're filming a f***ing movie, dude.

This guy's got a dynamite vest on!

Hey, put the gun down, dude!

What the f***?

He shot me!

Preston, you f***ing idiot!

Get me the f*** out of here!

- F*** this!

- Please, sir! Please, sir!

- F***! F***!

- Sir, please!

- Please! Stop!

- Sir, please!

What the f***?

Dude, get me out of here!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God, no!

Oh, f***. I'm going to f***ing die.

Why the f*** did I agree to do this sh*t?

Dude, it wasn't even my f***ing idea.

F***ing f***.

Oh, my God, dude.

I can't believe that sh*t, dude.

What the f***, are you an actor

or some bullshit?

- Come on.

- F***ing crap, dude!

I almost sh*t my pants.

I'm not even kidding.

Dude, that was so awesome.

Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy

right now. Seriously.

Oh, my God. I was so worried.

F***.

I get it. It's a prank on a prank, yeah.

He f***ing pulled out

a gun on me, dude.

Look where your beard came from.

Look, look! I'll show you!

Look at my patch!

Look! That's all our pubes.

You should try and get that off.

Oh, my God, dude, that sucks.

Every time it gets

f***ing worse and worse.

You guys didn't f***ing superglue that,

did you?

No!

That sucks! I told you not to do that!

Ehren, come on!

Why are you getting mad at me?

I got your dick hair all over

my f***ing face!

This sucks, dude!

Give me something to get this sh*t off.

This sh*t was in my mouth!

How are you going to explain

crabs on your face?

This sh*t was all over my f***ing mouth!

It wasn't from my dick.

Some of it was from my ass.

Oh, God, this is so bad.

Look at this. This is from Derek.

"Okay, who brought crabs to the party?

F*** me."

One of the guys had crabs!

Seriously, like,

was the dick hair necessary?

Absolutely.

Like, was that the big payoff?

Like, "Ha, ha,

dick hairs glued on his face"?

- Is it itching?

- It's in my mouth.

Why'd you put it in your mouth?

I'm Johnny Knoxville

and this is the Bear Trap.

The best of times is now

What's left of summer but a faded rose?

The best of times is now

As for tomorrow, well

who knows, who knows, who knows

Get it off!

Get it off! Get it off!

The best of times is now

What's left of summer but a faded rose?

The best of times is now

As for tomorrow, well

who knows, who knows, who knows

So hold this moment fast

And live and love

as hard as you know how

And make this moment last

Because the best of times is now

Is now, is now

F***!

Now

Not some forgotten yesterday

Now, tomorrow is too far away

So hold this moment fast

And live and love

as hard as you know how

And make this moment last

Because the best of times is now

is now, is now

So hold this moment fast

And live and love as hard

as you know how

And make this moment last

Because the best of times is now

is now, is now

Is now

Is now

I'll Jackass Two your ass.

Do me a favor.

And you wonder why I drink?

I drink to steady my nerves.

I was so steady,

I couldn't move last week!

I had vodka and prune juice.

It's called a piledriver.

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