Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #2

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You do a lot of talk,

just 'cause I'm old.

I used to box!

I almost got my ass beat

by those two guys.

They went inside and thought about

me stomping out their cigarette

and came back out with

a cigar, like, this long,

and just put it right in my face,

begging that I would take it.

You're smoking again?

Now you're smoking cigars.

God damn it.

How much money

you got in your pocket?

How much money?

I got a lot.

Why, you wanna make

a bet on something?

I'm looking for that money

you broke my cigarette for.

The cigarette you smashed.

No, no, no. That was

a favor for you.

You say you were

gonna whoop my ass?

You're talking, you were talking.

Didn't you say

you was gonna whoop my ass?

Yeah, yeah.

You not gonna let me show you,

you ready?

You ready?

I'm always ready.

Well what you waiting on?

Well...

I'm a little down on my back

right now. Otherwise, I would.

Who is this guy, man?

Come on, come on.

Did you see that f***ing

hot chick who walked by?

F*** that chick,

where my motherfucking

cigarette money at, partner?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about chicks,

you're talking about cigarettes.

We got a whole different

way of looking at things.

I bet you won't knock that I bet you

won't knock that cigar out of his hand.

See, he's trying to start fights.

- No, no.

- Yes, yes, you are.

Which I like. I like that.

- You're a sh*t-starter.

- No, I'm just saying...

You're a sh*t-starter, I like that.

But you smashed his cigarette, man!

I was doing... He's a handsome

man, why would he smoke?

He was nice enough to give you a cigarette,

and you stepped on it and smashed it!

And I wanted to do him a favor.

Jeez Louise. Now I'm the bad guy.

Sitters was a form of mark that

we would use pretty frequently,

'cause it would just be like,

if we wanted someone to be

sod of a captive audience,

you know, I could find

somebody where it's like,

"Hey, my grandpa just sits at this

fountain. I know he's so lonely.

"Could I have you just, like,

"go up and act like

you weren't hired by me

"to go just talk with him,

"and just sit and talk with him

for, like, an hour or something?"

Well, hello, good-looking.

- How you doing?

- I'm doing good.

Good.

I lucked out getting the only dry

bench in the park, it seems.

Right, you did, you really did.

If we hired a babysitter

to babysit Irving,

I could talk to that person as long

as I want and say whatever I wanted,

'cause they had to be there,

they were paid.

- I'm no different than any other man...

- Right.

With two arms, two legs

and 14-inch balls.

Right, right, right.

Throaty smell. Like, a deeper...

I'd like to hog-wrench

that spatouli.

I should be eating at the

nappy kitchen every night.

I mean, you're exactly right.

But the problem with the babysitters

was you kinda got this sort of stilted,

these people felt unnaturally

staying there.

They weren't giving

big enough reactions,

'cause they were

sod of unnaturally there.

I was the Robin Hood of poontang.

Friar F***. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But we did do some funny

things with the babysitters.

We thought, while I'm getting out

story points about the movie

with this babysitter,

how about if we have

Charlie run by.

Charlie's our stunt coordinator.

And he's playing an actor,

she doesn't know him, I do,

and I challenged him to a footrace,

and in the midst of the

footrace, I trip him

and steal his wallet.

And she has to help me conceal

that I had stolen the wallet

from him and anybody else.

You shouldn't have tripped him.

- Why did you trip him?

- Look at this. I got his wallet.

- No, you didn't.

- I got his wallet.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah.

- No, you did not steal his wallet.

- Yes, I got it. Yeah.

You have to give it back to him.

- No way.

- Why not?

We need money for the road.

- You gotta give that back to him.

- Oh, sh*t. He's here, be cool.

So...

- You guys didn't see a wallet, did you?

- Nope.

How can you do that?

How can you have that

on your conscience?

It's not on my conscience.

You know, I mean, really.

- Look.

- Do you know how valuable that is?

It's just 90 bucks.

How could you do that?

See, now you're making

me feel guilty.

You should. You should feel guilty.

I'll just go... Let me look.

Hey, we found it over

there in the bush.

You wanna keep going? Where?

It was right over

there in that bush.

There you go, buddy.

He walked over there

and looked for it.

Have a good day, son.

- Way to cover, way to cover.

- I'm not, I'm not...

- I'm upset.

- Come on, don't leave me hanging.

- I'm upset.

- Look, look, look, we still got the money.

Oh, you're a good girl.

No, I'm not, I'm not.

- Just be cool.

- Where's the money?

- Huh?

- No. No.

- Where's the money?

- I don't have the money.

Who has the money?

She's got it. She took it.

- No, I don't have your money.

- It's right there.

- I don't have the money, though.

- Where's it at? There it is.

He, you know what,

he put your money here.

- Oh, really?

- He did.

You know, I should call

the cops on you guys,

- is what I should do.

- You could.

- I didn't have nothing to do with this.

- Will you just let her...

She rarely has ever

done this, so...

I'll tell you what, you should

be ashamed of yourself,

- is what you should be.

- Yeah.

I didn't do it, she did it!

I don't care who

did it. Both of you.

I did not.

- Well, obviously you had the money.

- Keep walking, bird legs.

This isn't good. I think

I'd better start walking.

You seem like a nice guy.

Oh, sh*t.

- What?

- All right. We should split up.

- Why?

- 'Cause there's a cop.

- You see the cop?

- Yeah.

Remember, you didn't see nothing.

Oh, sh*t.

Hi, idiot.

Hi, a**hole.

Hi, idiot. Hi, idiot.

- Don't call Grandpa an idiot.

- Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, idiot.

Might get this for Gloria.

It's about her size.

You should get one of

these for Mrs. Claus.

And what is that?

- Maybe Donner and Blitzen, too.

- Okay.

I bet they would ruin it.

- Hey, Billy, you wanna see Santa?

- Hello. Look.

Yeah.

Hey, Billy, before you go over,

ask Santa for something

for Grandpa.

I have to go pee-pee.

Okay, well, wait to use the restroom

until after we do it, all right?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- What's that?

- Just ask him.

Hi, Billy.

- Hi, Santa Claus.

- How old are you, buddy?

- Good.

- How old are you?

Eight.

Are you eight years old now?

Gosh, you're getting so tall.

- He's a big boy.

- Yeah.

Look right up there, Billy, and

take your hands out and say,

"Cheeseburger."

- Cheeseburger.

- Cheeseburger.

Now, what do you want

for Christmas, Billy?

I want a fishing rod,

tackle and bait.

Okay.

- My mom to get out of jail.

- Okay.

And a rusty trombone

for my grandpa.

- A rusty trombone for your grandpa?

- Yep.

- I'm cold.

- You are?

How can you be cold? Do you think

I'm giving you the shivers?

Santa gives a lot of kids the shivers

'cause I come from the North Pole.

Hope that's all he gives him.

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