Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #3

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But anyway, Billy, do you know

what snowmen eat for breakfast?

- What?

- Frosted Flakes.

Do you know why Santa Claus

doesn't have any children?

He only comes once a year,

and it's down a chimney.

All right, you be a good boy, okay?

Grandpa, I think I pissed myself.

You did?

You didn't think you

did, you really peed.

- Sorry, Santa.

- That's okay, buddy.

- Sorry.

- You be good, okay?

- Jesus.

- Sorry about the pee-pee.

- That's okay, buddy. No harm done.

- Oh, no. What'd you do?

Okay, we're gonna

have to take a break.

- How you doing?

- Hello, how are you?

Good.

Oh, no. My colostomy bag.

No, don't touch it, don't touch.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, God, that...

I'm very sorry.

Oh, no, I dropped my watch.

I dropped my watch.

- In there?

- Yes. Can you help me?

- I'm so sorry.

- That's okay.

Is there some staff around?

- Yeah, he just went to get help.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

If you stand in there,

he's gonna get help.

Okay. Thank you.

- Because they'll go get you...

- Can you help me?

- They're gonna get your stuff out.

- You're a good boy.

You're fine.

When you're doing pranks,

every now and then

you'll come across someone

who's absolute gold,

and that was the penguin guy.

- You ran over the penguin.

- You put a penguin in my spot.

You ran over the penguin,

what are you talking about?

Well, you don't have to yell at me.

We cut the bit to two

and a half minutes,

but it could have

easily been 15 minutes.

He just kept generating footage.

You're fixing this

f***ing penguin, dude.

- Nah.

- What happened to it?

He put it right in my spot!

What do you mean your spot?

You ran it over!

Well, you don't have to yell.

You ran the f***ing penguin over,

- you f***ing mutt.

- You're still yelling.

Jesus Christ.

Do you work at this restaurant?

Don't worry about

where I work at, dude.

You know, you work at Fish

City across town, you said.

- Krazy Fish.

- Krazy Fish.

Krazy Fish, get that

right, Krazy Fish.

- Krazy Fish.

- With a K.

And if you did that to my f***ing place

I would whip your goddamn ass, dude.

With a K? Sounds exotic.

So, George didn't even

work at that restaurant,

he worked at somewhere across town,

which he kept kind of half-promoting

while he was yelling at me.

Bro, come up to my f***ing

restaurant right now, Krazy Fish.

- You come up there right now.

- Krazy Fish with a K?

Yeah, right up the

street over here, man.

I'll meet you over there, then I'll whip

your f***ing ass in the back, dude.

What's your best item on your menu?

Don't worry about what

the best... Called "whip-ass."

- Whip-ass?

- Yeah.

Is that an entre or a side?

It's gonna be f***ing both.

They good prices? I like value.

You're gonna fix

this f***ing penguin, dude.

He ain't leaving, dude, until he

fixes this f***ing penguin, dude.

I'm sorry.

- He's hyper-focused on the penguin.

- I ain't f***ing...

Listen, old man, you shouldn't

be driving to begin with!

If Irving was driving

and hit something,

the lawyers wouldn't allow

Billy to be in there,

so we had a dummy in his place.

And at one point, George finds it.

Yeah, I'm taking this

guy out of the car.

And I don't know what

he's thinking at that point.

It had to look like this weird little sex

toy or something for this dirty grandpa.

Here you go. That's your

f***ing partner in crime.

- That's your leverage?

- All right, you f***ing mutt.

You're fixing this penguin, dude.

You're fixing that penguin, dude.

Fix the f***ing

thing, dude. Fix it.

Fix it.

Dude, you and I

are gonna go to town, bro.

And in his defense, you know,

I yelled at him early on,

and it got him emotional.

And then he became irrational.

And when people become irrational,

everything is real

to them, you know?

They're completely on the hook.

All over this stupid penguin.

Dude, f***ing leave

the penguin alone, bro.

Anybody know this f***ing guy?

"Anybody know this f***ing guy?"

You're a f***ing...

"He's on my nerves two,

three times already."

Go f*** yourself.

This motherf***er.

F***. There you go.

You kind of throw like a girl.

I'm gonna f***ing

throw you in a second.

Atomic elbow! Atomic elbow.

I did a little wrestling

myself in my younger days.

- Dude, are you f***ing kidding me, bro?

- What? Atomic elbow?

I'm gonna whip your ass with your

own motherfucking doll, dude.

- Come on. My tuchus.

- I'm telling you, dude.

- Do me again, do me again.

- Fix the f***ing thing.

- Get me again.

- Dude, I'm gonna whip your ass, bro.

With eye contact, with eye

contact, get me again. Come on.

Does anybody know this f***ing guy?

You guys know him?

With eye contact, get me again.

I think I've seen him somewhere.

- You f***ing piece of sh*t.

- Oh, come on.

He was really on the

hook, and that is...

That's about as fun

as it gets for me.

And he was also,

he had a nice sense of humor

about it when it was over.

How come you didn't take a swing?

'Cause he's a f***ing

old man, dude.

I was f***ing waiting for

the cops or something,

I was gonna f*** him up,

dude. I can't believe that.

Here, what do I gotta sign, man?

So, we first shot Irving's

balls on Jackass Number Two,

and Johnny Knoxville loves having

those prosthetic balls on.

So, as we were writing ideas, we knew

we were gonna bring back the balls.

You have the balls

readily available?

- Not here.

- That's the set of hangers.

But Knoxville specifically

wanted two sets made.

He wanted the more-believable,

which I think are the

12-inch hanging balls.

But then he thought it'd be

hilarious to shoot a bit where

his balls are actually tucked into his

black socks that are pulled up real high.

So, he had to make an 18-inch

dangling set of balls.

So, we thought it'd be funny to

prank a bunch of delivery guys.

- Hello.

- How are you, son?

- How are you doing, sir?

- Good, good.

What have we got?

- This one.

- All right. Thank you.

- Sure. This one.

- Yes, sir.

It's never as simple as it appears.

I answer the door in my boxers,

my balls are tucked in the sock,

you'd think they would see it,

but sometimes they don't see it,

and so we have to figure out a way

to get their eyes down there.

Jesus.

- That was just plates.

- Okay.

I'm sorry, can you get that

for me, son, I can't really...

Of course, of course. No problem.

$73.97, sir.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

- All right. There you go, son.

- Thank you so much.

- Keep the change. All right, all right.

- I appreciate it, thank you.

- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

- Have a good night, sir.

- You, too.

I didn't tip him for sh*t.

Did he see? Did he look?

It was one of those days where

we'd never done a prank before,

and we executed it like sh*t.

We called the same delivery

place over and over,

having them send drivers over.

Yeah, all right.

Of course word's gonna get out

amongst the drivers.

- Hello.

- Hi, how are you?

- Johnny Knoxville, I presume.

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