Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

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Law offices.

You know what I want to

be when I grow up?

- What?

- A fisherman.

I want to go fishing

every day till I'm rich

so I can move right

next door to the jailhouse,

so I can be close to my mommy.

She got arrested for drugs

again, so she has to go back.

I'm sorry to hear that.

My mommy's breath smells so bad

'cause she smokes

so much crack.

What do you think?

What do I think? About what?

My mommy's bad breath.

Maybe it'll get better.

Thank you. That helps.

Yeah. Yeah! Thanks

for nothing, Derek.

What is

the matter with you, Kimmie?

All right, come on. We got to

go see your grandpa.

Not Grandpa. He's a kook!

Oh, my goodness.

You are limber!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Phew.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Ooh, well, hello!

I think I know her.

Mmm...

Mr. Zisman?

Mr. Zisman.

- Mr. Zisman!

- Hmm?

Hi.

I'm, uh, afraid I have

some bad news.

Your wife, she took a turn

for the worse last night

and, um, she passed away.

I'm so sorry.

Oh!

I thought she'd never die.

I'm going to let

you process this,

and, uh, I'll be back in

just a moment, okay?

Thank you. Thank you, Doc!

Don't get me wrong, I'm upset,

but she was a crabby old bat.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss.

She hadn't given me any nookie

since the '90s.

And then it was

only out of spite.

She's in a much better place.

And I'm in a much better place.

Did you hear that, Leroy?

We're free!

I'm free.

Hello, lady.

Thanks a lot.

Ooh.

All right.

Sh*t!

Oh.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Miss.

Sir, can you help me?

Can you help me, sir?

I don't expect

you to understand,

but I have my penis

stuck to the soda machine.

Gabriel! I'm stuck.

What's wrong?

My penis is

stuck in the machine!

Gabriel! Help me!

Help me! Ah! Gabriel!

Gabriel!

Sir. Could you help me, sir?

Please don't announce it!

It's f***ing embarrassing!

Can you help me

instead of announcing?

Please! It's not funny!

It's not funny!

Help! Give me a hand!

- Could you help me?

- What you want?

I'm in a bad situation.

I gotta get unstuck!

Can you help?

Jiggle my shoulders.

Jiggle my shoulders.

Ow! Ow!

- Nothing I can do.

- Jiggle my...

Jiggle! Ow! Ow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh! He's trying

to rip that dick out!

Oh, no!

- Stop!

- Stop, man!

Sir?

Don't... It's not going

to come out.

Don't! Quit pulling on it.

I got to get...

Oh, God!

Ah!

Push! Push!

God! Push! Push!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

You looking for something?

Yes, ma'am,

I'm looking for a suit.

Okay.

Wow, what's your name?

- Judy.

- Judy...

- Nice to meet you.

- ...you are so beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Oh, my goodness.

My wife just passed away.

I'm sorry.

That's all right. It wasn't the

greatest marriage anyway, Judy.

That's why I'm gonna take a

little me time now, Judy.

- And have some fun.

- Uh-huh. See?

By fun, I mean

banging the gong.

I might be too old

to fry the rice,

but I can still chop the

suey, that's for sure.

How long does it

take to do alterations?

Um... Do you

need a hurry?

Uh, the funeral's tomorrow.

Oh. Do you need a tie?

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, what color

the tie you likey?

Uh, I likey any color.

You pick one out for me.

Well... How about

that one right there?

Uh... Which one?

You mean this one?

- Right there. Yes.

- That looks like it's green.

- Oh, that's very nice.

- Yeah. Okay?

- How much is that shirt?

- Sixty-five.

- That's a lot of scratch.

- Forty per cent.

- Forty per cent.

- That's a lot of scratch.

- So, forty per cent.

- Yeah.

Is that a squirrel right there?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- You got me, you got me.

- Yup, I got you good.

- You got me.

- Yup, I got you over a felony.

- Oh, God.

- Have a seat.

Yes, sir.

- Do not get up out of that chair.

- Yes, sir.

I apologize.

Get my sh*t off.

Get your sh*t off?

Get my shirt off. Get my coat off.

Get my pants off.

I gotta take your pants off?

- You better believe it.

- Well, that sounds a little weird.

Go in here and

get the damn pants off.

You want me to take your pants

off, that seems a little weird.

Thank you, kind people,

for being here today.

I never thought my wife's

funeral would be filled with

complete strangers, but we've

outlived all our friends.

I was hoping my daughter and

grandson could make it but...

They didn't.

So, I would especially like

to thank the choir

and caterers, and all the nice

people sitting before me.

Thank you.

I wished you could have

seen the young Ellie,

the woman I fell in love with.

She was like a flash

of bright light.

A callipygian princess who drew

people to her like a magnet.

And for those of you who don't

know what callipygian means,

it means she has a nice bottom.

- Ooh.

- She did.

I wish I had

more time with her.

I wish so much of our time had

not been consumed by combat.

I wish I'd tried a little

harder to make that happen.

- Because she's gone now.

- And our history on this earth has been written...

Baby.

Hi, sweetie.

- Hi, buddy.

- Hi.

Sit.

This is my

daughter and grandson.

Can I have a word with you?

Yeah, I'm in

the middle of something.

Billy, just stay there

for a second.

I just want to talk to

your granddad outside.

Okay, Mom.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Hi, Billy.

What's so important?

Listen, I'm sorry that she's

dead and everything,

but I'm in some serious sh*t,

okay?

- What is it this time?

- You tell him about the microphone.

Don't even start that

with me! Not now!

Okay? It wasn't even my fault!

This cop, he's got a bug

up his ass,

and then they give me

this public defender

who's a f***ing idiot! And...

Sir, excuse me.

The microphone is on.

Please, just give me a moment.

Just give me a moment.

Look, I violated my parole

and now they're gonna

send me to jail.

I just need you to take Billy

across the country

so he can be with his dad

for a while. Okay?

What?

I can't have Bobby with me

now. I'm in mourning!

It's Billy. Billy!

How am I supposed

to know what his name is?

You never brought him around!

And when you did bring him around,

he pissed every bed in the house.

I don't pee my bed anymore.

I cannot have

Billy with me now.

I am a free man for the

first time in 46 years

and I can't be saddled

with that cockblock!

That's just fine.

You were never there for me

when I was little,

so I guess it's

no different now, is it?

I'm going to talk to my mom.

I am very sorry. Um...

Everyone's very

emotional right now.

It's a very difficult

time for the family.

Uh...

I don't know what to say.

Sweetie, come here.

That's your mother's.

She told me I could have it.

Give me the...

Give it...

Don't do this in front of

them! Don't do this right now!

Just stop...

- Oh, no!

- Oh, God! Jesus!

Oh, no.

Grandma?

- I love you.

- Oh, baby.

Sorry, Daddy.

Oh, baby!

Oh, my God!

Sing! Please, choir, sing

something. Somebody help.

Joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart

Down in my heart,

down in my heart

I've got the joy,

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