Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #2

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joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart to stay

I've got the love of

Jesus down in my heart

Down in my heart,

down in my heart

I've got the love of Jesus

down in my heart

Down in my heart to stay

I've got the joy,

joy, joy, joy

Down in my heart to stay

F***.

Where are we going?

We're going here to get on

a computer call with your dad

to see when he's gonna

pick your little ass up.

And I got someone meeting us

to help me

and your father communicate,

seeing how we don't get along.

Are you Mr. Zisman?

- Hi.

- Shirley Kreska.

- Nice to meet you, Shirley.

- Nice to meet you.

Well, tell me

the purpose of the call.

His mother is going to jail.

But she wanted me to get

him to his father.

We've had lots of problems

out of the father.

He's nearly impossible

to communicate with.

Yes, yes.

I got him up on

the computer now.

All right, Chuck.

This is Shirley.

Hi, Chuck.

I'm a local counselor,

and I'm just here to help

the two of you

reach whatever goals

you want to reach

and just help the two

of you talk together.

Okay.

So, uh, Kimmie

is going to

jail again, all right?

Doesn't surprise me.

So I need you to come

get Billy, like, from me.

Why are you shaking your head?

'Cause this is real

bad timing right now for me.

I'm having some problems

with my business right now.

- Okay.

- Oh, your business, huh?

What business is that?

I sell computers.

Sell... He couldn't sell

p*ssy on a troop train.

Oh, that's

a disgusting thing to say.

Okay, but that doesn't help.

That doesn't help.

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry for insulting you.

Are you serious?

This is a disaster.

All right, Chuck.

If you can't come to Lincoln,

then I'll just bring him

to you in North Carolina.

No. 'Cause I don't have money

to take care of a kid.

My cousin, he just had

to take his baby girl,

and the state's paying

him $600 a month for free.

Are you sure you

want him to go to him?

- He's getting 600 bucks?

- A month.

Wait, what are they saying?

She's saying possibly he could

get money for keeping him.

I think I can

work something out.

I think that if Irving was to

bring him here to Raleigh,

I could take the kid.

And then if it

didn't work out...

600 bucks a month

will make it work for me.

So...

And that isn't guaranteed,

what she just said.

It's something

- you would have to investigate.

- No, no, it's guaranteed.

She's always right.

It's a done deal, man.

Drop him off.

All right,

2:
00 on Sunday.

2:
00 p.m. Sunday.

Great, man. Great. Great.

There goes like

half my inventory.

What a wonderful business

you have.

Okay. Chuck,

what's your last name?

Muskie.

- M-U-S-K-I-E.

- M... Okay.

D-O-U-C-H-E is

how you spell it.

Yeah. That's right.

F-A-G-O-T is your last name.

Your son's right here,

if you don't mind.

Bye, A-S-S-O-L-E.

Shitbird, dummy butt.

Let's just...

Let's just walk away.

Suck it.

"Suck it," that's nice.

Suck a bowl of d*cks.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Billy!

Bye.

Hey, Billy, let me show you

what you're going to do

if somebody comes

at you with a knife.

Come here.

Have any of those baskets down

here that you have outside?

I don't think so.

You don't think so.

You don't know?

Don't interrupt,

grandpa, I'm busy.

So if a guy comes

at you with a knife...

You don't care about a sale?

Yeah, I care about a sale.

But I'm trying to teach my

grandson about knife fights.

And you keep

yapping. Jesus.

- Good attitude to have.

- Yeah, keep walking, gramps.

Okay, now, if a guy comes

at you in a knife fight.

Like, come at me,

I'll show you what you do.

That's all you gotta do.

You take it and you stick

it right in their thigh.

And then they

can't run after you.

You young ladies in the

market for a nice bed?

- No.

- Seventy-five dollars.

What's special about it?

It's got that

special vibrating feature.

You know what I'm saying?

You want to see how it works?

No, thanks, honey.

My wife and I only had it two weeks

before she went in the hospital.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's okay, that's okay.

It's barely been used.

- Yeah.

- And she passed away.

- Oh, dear. That's very sad.

- Yeah.

Well, it's not so sad, she

was kind of a b*tch, but...

Jeez!

My goodness!

Well, gotta

call a spade a spade.

Well, there goes

the troublemaker.

Well, what kind of

attitude is that?

- Same type you have.

- Same kind of 'tude you got.

- Same type you have.

- Wow.

Mr. and Mrs. Happy.

How much is this?

Is there a price tag on it?

I don't... There's a...

That's one of my

wife's favorite lamps.

- It's very pretty.

- Yes.

She died of, uh...

Vagitosis.

It's kind of like bad breath,

but the vagina.

It wasn't

the main cause, but...

- It didn't help.

- Yeah.

That's...

Ma'am,

will you buy that please?

No, thank you. I don't

need it, I have one.

Ma'am, how do you explain what a

cockblock is to an eight-year-old?

Can you help me explain that? 'Cause that's

what's sitting there is a little cockblock.

No, he's not.

Don't listen to her.

He's a good boy.

If you like him so damn much,

you take him.

Do you like this chair?

That is pretty cool.

It's only $25.

Wow. That's nice.

This bed's going for

a pretty good price.

I'd like to lay down

and take a nap myself.

- I'm tired all the time.

- Yeah.

Is it one of those ones

that adjusts?

Yes, ma'am, it's really good.

It's one of those that kind of

sit up while

you're watching TV.

Here, try, uh... I'll, uh...

Try to adjust it a little.

Whoa!

Whoa, stop!

Oh, my God!

Whoa, stop. Oh, my God!

Stop, stop! Whoa, stop!

Unplug it!

Oh, my God! What are you

trying to do to me?

All I did was push

the little button!

Oh, God! Put it down!

Put it... Cramp! Cramp!

Ah!

It's unplugged!

Oh.

It's unplugged,

I pulled the plug.

Oh, my God.

Unplug that thing

over there, please.

I'm getting off.

Oh. Oh, God.

- Let Grandpa sit.

- I pushed the little button.

He told me to push the button.

Let Grandpa sit.

I think I'm going to have

a heart attack. I really do.

Well, let's not make this

all about you, honey.

Oh, no, no, I'm telling her.

I'm not making it...

Look...

Just calm down. It's okay.

My breathing won't come back.

You can have the bed for $50.

No, I don't want that bed.

Coming!

Hey, sir, how are you?

Do you have a bed

we're supposed to pick up?

- Right this way.

- Alrighty.

My name's Irving,

what's your name?

Tom.

Tom. How are you,

Tom? Come on in.

This is my grandson, Billy.

- Hi, Billy. How are you?

- Hi.

- What's your name, sir?

- I'm James.

James. How are you, James?

Come on in. We're back here.

And, um... My wife just passed

away a couple days ago

and the damn funeral home

had a little misunderstanding.

Like, you know what, "We'll

just take her right back."

We want to get her in

my trunk, because we're gonna

bury her down south a ways.

If you could help me to my car

I would really appreciate it.

Let me just...

Okay, um...

Just wrap her up.

I think it'll be easiest

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