Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #3

---

if you just pull like that.

Yeah. She was a pain in my ass

when we were married

and she passed away, she's

still being a pain in my ass.

Just grab that right there.

James, will you get the head?

Be gentle with her.

Here you go, James.

- Here you go.

- Lord have mercy. Jesus.

There you go.

Don't let her fall

out of there, James.

Get a good hold on her.

Oh, man. We're, uh...

We got to get this

little boy to his father.

His mom just got

thrown in jail.

My mom's on drugs.

Lord have mercy!

Thank you, boys.

I couldn't carry her myself.

Just put her right in there.

And, uh, we got blankets

to keep her warm.

All right, be careful with her.

All right.

Thank you. Thank you, James.

Come here, Billy.

Grab his hand.

Can we say a prayer?

Lord, please look

after Billy and I

on our journey with Ellie.

And Lord, please look after

these men because

they were very sweet

and they're also accomplices

to probably what was

technically a crime, but...

We're not gonna say anything.

Come on, man!

Are you serious?

In your name we pray. Amen.

Amen.

All right.

Let me ask you a question,

is the bed really going?

No, no.

I just needed help with her.

Oh.

But no one's going

to come out...

No one's going to come out

to help if you say,

"Can you come help me commit

a crime?"

No one's gonna help. So...

We, uh... That's why we

had to tell a little fib.

But we surely appreciate it.

And our lips are sealed.

- Later.

- Thank the men.

See you, Billy.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, fellas!

See you later.

God bless you. God bless you, James.

Thank you!

Thanks for the crime!

Now get your crap.

We got to hit the road.

All right.

Grandpa, do you think we'll

have time to go fishing?

Don't worry me with that.

Just get in the damn car.

I hope you went

to the bathroom already.

- Nope.

- "Nope"?

Well, you're gonna

have to hold it.

Can I turn on the AC?

No.

Can I turn on the radio?

No!

Let's just play the quiet game.

Can we get something to eat?

You're already eating.

But I'm hungry!

Whatever.

Anything to get

out of this car.

Hola, gorgeous! I gotta

feed this little prick.

Ooh, she is muy bonita, huh?

My goodness!

Grandpa, look at

that ride! Can I go ride it?

- What?

- Can I go ride that?

Yes. Sh*t.

Scram.

Thank you.

Ah. What's your name?

Gloria.

My Spanish name

is El Mucho Ding-Dong.

It doesn't work!

Oh, God.

- Grandpa!

- What?

This thing doesn't work!

What do you want me

to do about it?

Fix it!

Can't you see

I was talking to a lady?

Yes, but look!

Did you put money in there?

God.

Try it. It doesn't work.

Oh, God!

God!

Ow.

Oh, man.

Damn thing's broke.

- Come on.

- You put in 50 cents.

Nothing!

Oh! Ow! Ah!

Sit down, sit down.

Ah!

- Oh, I'm all right!

- Sit down, sir.

Sit, sit, sit!

Are you okay, Grandpa?

Look what happened!

Jesus!

It didn't work!

Why'd you tell me

to get in there?

- No, it's not.

- Yes, I shouldn't have even been on there.

You ruined the store.

Why'd you tell me

to get in there?

'Cause I wanted you to fix it.

Well, it's fixed!

Sir, would you

please listen to me?

I want you to sit down

on a cushion until...

I want the ambulance

to check you out.

Listen, it is not your fault.

You are not over that weight limit.

Do you understand?

What weight limit?

There's no weight limit

on that thing.

Hey, I don't have a weight limit either.

If you know what I mean.

Unbelievable!

You could have broke my neck!

I didn't do anything!

I can't do it. I can't do it.

- Do what?

- This!

I can't do this.

I said I'd get you

to your father's,

but I didn't say how.

Grandpa,

my leg's falling asleep!

Look, you little shitbird,

I'm not driving you

and you're too young

to ride the bus,

so you keep quiet in there!

You need some help?

- I think I got it.

- Okay.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Okay.

- Here we go.

- Okay.

I'm going to send this

to Raleigh, North Carolina.

Raleigh? Okay.

Eighteen width.

Uh...

- Forty-seven?

- Forty-seven.

- Forty-seven.

- Yeah.

- Damn it.

- Okay.

Oh, there's something

moving around in there.

Really?

- No. No.

- No?

There's something in that box!

No.

There's nothing in the box?

It sounds like it!

I do hear stuff in here, but

it's not coming from there.

- Okay. Can we unstrap it?

- You mind if we unstrap it?

Yes... No, let's unstrap it.

Okay.

Grandpa, I got to pee.

What...

Keep it down.

It's a statue.

I have a statue in there.

It still has batteries in it

or something?

Yes, it has the batteries

in it still.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, it's just one

of those kind

that you hit a button and it...

So we shook it.

Yeah, yeah.

Grandpa, I got to pee real bad.

It's a statue.

Are you sure?

It was settling.

It was settling.

Okay. All right.

Can we get it weighed?

Because I gotta...

You gotta get out?

Yes, and I appreciate

you girls...

Would you...

God, what are you doing?

We were shipping a human being!

Oh, my.

Oh, my!

We can't ship humans.

I'm trying to get him

to his father,

and I don't want to drive him.

Oh, my goodness!

- What's your name?

- Billy.

- You've had Billy for the school year?

- No, no.

- And he's going back for the summer?

- I just got him today.

- And you already want to send him back?

- You got him today!

Yeah, my wife passed.

- Aw! I'm sorry to hear it.

- Your grandmother?

Did he love Grandma?

- No.

- He didn't?

If you'd have met her,

you'd have felt the same way.

You think she died of

a broken heart?

- Heart attack.

- Well, I can tell you what she didn't die of.

Oh, my.

It'll get there overnight.

You know that they're

just gonna be

throwing you around

and everything, don't you?

Well, give me a pen and

we'll write "fragile" on it.

Are you sure

you want to do this?

You need a blanket?

- We can't ship a human!

- I'll take one.

You can if you didn't know

this happened.

I can't ship you.

You're... You're living!

Should we call the police

on them?

Oh, no! No police.

Just help me get him out of the box.

I'll take him.

Sh*t! Come on.

Been in this car all damn day!

I need a break.

Where are we going?

Grandpa's going

to play a little bingo.

- Can I come?

- No!

Look. They don't allow kids

and I'm going to be talking

to ladies in there.

And I don't need you

cockblocking.

G-51.

N-42.

G-60.

It's been a while

since I've played.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Good luck.

- Good luck.

- Thank you.

- My name is O.Z.

- O.Z.!

- O.Z.

- All right!

Can I cheat off you?

B-2.

G-46.

O.Z., what do you say

we blow this joint

and go play

strip bingo outside?

Stop it.

That damn dauber's not...

Oh.

God damn it.

Done spilled everywhere.

N-62.

Stop the game. Stop!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh.

I think this sh*t's

done gone bad.

Oh, my God!

He just drunk the dauber sh*t.

Oh, man! You can't do that!

Hell, no!

Yuck.

Stop.

Stop!

Stop? Hell, keep going!

You're making everybody sick.

No, come on, come on!

Let's go back

to the damn game, all right?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes