Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #4

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God damn! You guys

are driving me to drink!

I need a drink.

I got a damn margarita!

Who wants a margarita?

O.Z., half of this is for you.

How about a little fun, people?

Excuse me? Sir?

Can you tie my shoe, please?

Yeah, sure.

- Are you married?

- Yeah.

Are you happily married?

Yeah, I guess so.

Why do you ask?

I want a new dad.

Oh, do you? Yeah, sorry.

What's your name?

Dan.

Hey, Dan, I got an idea.

How about me

being your new kid?

Um...

I don't know if it's really

quite that simple.

You know,

you can't really, uh...

Why?

You can't really trade kids

between families, can you?

Sure you can, Dad.

You know, when I was overseas,

when you would sleep with

a prostitute, they would

squeeze lime juice

on your schmeckle

to see if you had any diseases.

And if you went, "Ow!"

It means you got something,

'cause the cuts burn.

I never went, "Ow!"

But one time.

It's all cleared up now,

though.

Ma'am, it's all cleared up.

- Oh, okay.

- All right.

Just to prove to you I don't

have anything, ladies,

I'm gonna squeeze

this lime juice

on my schmeckle right now.

Oh, my God!

Okay.

Why resist? Watch this.

Here it goes. Here it goes!

Nothing. Nothing.

- I got nothing.

- That is free advertising right there.

It did sting a little when

it got to my bunghole though,

I'll tell you that.

That's just between us girls.

I'm gonna have to

have that checked out.

G-37.

Bingo!

Ha ha! Bingo!

Bingo!

Can someone check that

bingo for me, please?

You hush. You hush.

You hush, too.

No, I won't. I'm a grown man.

I can talk. I can talk.

I can talk.

Tattletales.

The bingo is not possible because we

have no N, so we will keep playing.

Well, sh*t!

G-53.

What happened to your dad?

Hey, Dad.

Yeah, what happened to him?

- No, you're my dad.

- Hmm?

High five, Dad.

Down low. Too slow.

Who are you here with?

You. My new dad.

Well, I'm not your new dad.

But...

You're funny.

Um...

Hey, Dad,

look at me in the eye.

Like...

I love you.

Anyway, I need to, uh...

I got stuff I have to do,

so, uh... Be safe.

Love you, Dad!

Oh, here she is!

Here I am.

You want to buy some 22s?

- What are 22s?

- You wish you was 22.

They look like 36Ds to me.

No.

No? 36 full Cs.

22s, that's what they are!

Can I use your pen?

Yes, you may, sweetheart.

All right! How you doing?

Okay.

You know, you're pretty sexy.

Thank you.

I mean really sexy.

I...

I have to take this up there.

All right.

What's your name, sweetheart?

I'm getting froze out.

Did you win any money at bingo?

No.

You shouldn't drink so much.

Pipe down!

Oh, God.

Do you have any idea

how heavy you are?

Do you have any idea

how I don't give a sh*t?

Where are we going?

Just keep going straight.

- You getting tired?

- Yeah.

Are you an alcoholic?

No, I'm not an alcoholic.

I wouldn't be surprised

if you are.

Just had a couple too many.

Onward! Onward!

Oh, let's get something to eat.

Make a left.

Okay. Go here! No, Billy!

It's heavy.

No, push me this way.

Push me this way.

Lisa! Lisa, come

look at this.

He's drunk,

and he's drinking beer.

Oh, he got a six-pack.

- Push me.

- Oh.

Hello?

We'd like some food.

Okay, what you need?

Chickens.

Chicken breast.

Any kind of breast.

Sir, you need some help?

Yes, I need some service!

Okay, well, you got to...

We'll get you served,

I need to push you over here.

We'll bring it out to you.

Need to get you away from here.

Let me push you over

to the side, okay?

Can you let go

of the thing there?

I'll push you over to the side.

- Okay, but...

- What do you want?

Do you guys serve beers?

No, we don't serve beer.

How about whiskey?

Um, no, we don't have

whiskey, either.

Sir, what do you have that's

good in there for a hangover?

To eat? I mean, greasy food

is always good.

But a hangover? Sleep.

He got to sleep it off.

Man, that girl

working the window,

she was nice-looking.

- She's nice-looking?

- Yeah.

Well, you just chill out here

for a minute.

We're gonna see

if we can get you some help.

Okay, we need some chickens

and a big side of poontang.

The poontang?

There's some inside.

Well, I want some to go.

Go hook that up.

He's stuck on Lisa.

That's what he want.

- Black bush gal?

- Lisa!

He said he wanted poontang.

He'll hook you up!

What? No, he don't.

Excuse me, honey.

That's what he's hollering.

That's what he wants, Lisa.

Honest to God, strike me dead.

Lisa, that man is 80 years old.

I turned around and I said,

"Did he say what

I thought he just said?"

You better go out there.

He is 80 years old

in a shopping cart.

Cut the man a break.

Siempre avante.

Know what that means?

No.

Onward and forward.

You know, rubber on wheel

is faster than rubber on heel.

That's what Lightnin' Hopkins

says.

You know who

Lightnin' Hopkins is?

No.

What about Komodo dragons?

You know what those are?

No.

You don't know

who Johnny Cash is?

No.

Ask me what

the secret of comedy is.

What is...

Timing! Get it?

What?

That's not funny?

No.

Ugh. Tough room.

I love this song!

Uh, you're kind of...

Weird.

Dirty bastard!

Oh...

You okay?

Oh, God.

Oh...

You all right, Grandpa?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Caught me right in the puss!

You want some ice?

You need me to get

some ice for you?

Yeah, maybe some ice.

My damn wife put these

in here and it...

Ow!

Did you see the tuchas

on that one?

Ow!

Should I get a basket?

No. We ain't gonna need one.

You like white bread?

Yep.

Good.

Um... What are you doing?

Just go with it.

Are we going to get

in trouble for this?

No. If someone says anything,

just tell them

that your grandpa's old and

doesn't know what he's doing.

Ooh. You want turkey or ham?

Ham.

Ham?

All right.

Here.

Get you a lot.

Let's get some damn mustard.

Here.

- That's a lot of mustard.

- Eat it!

Mmm.

So I eat it quick,

so we don't get caught.

Sir.

What's going on?

- What's going on?

- Yes.

You eating everything here.

- You don't pay yet.

- Huh?

You eating things here in

the store and don't pay yet.

- So he took that one.

- Please don't get mad.

Huh?

He took this.

- And you put it there.

- No.

Yes, I saw.

It's in the camera.

No.

Okay.

Please don't get mad

at my grandpa.

He's old and he doesn't

know what he's doing.

What's going on?

Where am I?

You know what he's doing, baby.

You know what he doing

and you doing it with him.

Sometimes he shits himself.

No. You took that one.

And sometimes he sits in it

like a baby.

I don't sh*t myself,

you little prick.

- Sometimes he pisses the bed.

- Okay, you opened these...

- Do not!

- Do, too!

- Do not!

- Do, too!

- Do not!

- You opened the ham

and you don't pay.

- Can I have his...

- Close the doors.

I'm gonna call the police.

Can he have his chocolate milk

back, please, ma'am?

Ugh.

They won't notice a thing.

That's how it looks most

of the time anyway. Come on.

Come on.

Let's go quick.

Let's go quick.

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