Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #5

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Come on. Let's go this way.

Oh! Uh...

Thank you!

Get the hats! Get the hats!

Come on, come on!

Come on!

- What are y'all doing?

- Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- It was $3.99!

- Stop!

Yeah. Come on!

You're not going anywhere!

Leave us alone!

Leave us alone!

No. You're not going anywhere.

Hey, Billy, get in!

Start it up!

They're going to take

that child away from you.

I wish they would!

- Get back inside!

- I'm sorry.

Get your ass inside!

Ma'am, I'm sorry.

You are sorry!

You're sorry as hell!

No, I'm not gonna...

You're eating what you stole!

What am I supposed

to do with it?

You buy it!

- You pay for it.

- If I had money, I would.

You had enough money

to come in here

and the audacity to try

to steal from me.

These are

pretty good, by the way.

I don't give a sh*t.

I ought to stuff it down

your damn throat.

You're very pretty

when you're mad.

You're pissing me off!

You're very lovely

when you're mad.

You're pissing me off.

All right, come on.

Hi.

All right.

- Okay.

- Ow!

I got her.

Ah, Jesus...

Here we go. Oh! Jesus.

It's all right.

She's already dead.

What?

Yeah, she died a few days ago.

We're just bringing her in

'cause it's respectful.

Don't want to leave her

in the trunk.

All right.

Oh! Get in there!

Oh, sh*t.

Grandpa's going out for

a walk. You stay in the room.

See you later, old man.

Stay in there, damn it.

My grandson.

Hey, you don't know

where any, uh,

like, dance clubs or anything

like that are?

Like, with lots

of, uh, black ladies.

Oh, there's one on, um...

Richard Boulevard.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm really fond

- of the black ladies.

- Yeah.

Yeah. They used to call me

Jizzy Gillespie

- when I was younger.

- Oh, yeah?

Hey, get in the room!

Hello. How are you?

Hello, ladies!

Hey, grandpa, how you doing?

Good! How you doing, baby?

All right!

Wow.

Hi, sweetheart.

Wow, you are nice-looking!

Thank you!

Can I get a Colt 45, please?

That thing's about like that!

Hey, big boy! Is this one of

them stripteaser shows?

That's perfect,

because I like to catch these

women when they're soggy.

So you boys do

a good job tonight,

- all right?

- Okay.

Get them all hot and bothered,

and I'm gonna try to swoop in

- and get me a little.

- Okay, okay.

Are you one of them dancers?

Yeah, I am.

I bet you got a pretty

big Tootsie Roll, huh?

What?

Get the f*** away from me, man.

But I mean,

if you're a dancer...

I'm sorry, I was just...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

How are you ladies

doing down here?

Fine. How are you?

Good, good. I came here alone,

so I'm sorry

if I'm bothering you.

What made you come in here?

I don't know. I was walking,

- uh, down the street...

- Walking?

You weren't walking nowhere!

What you gonna do,

watch it or watch us?

I came to watch you girls.

You ladies are gonna

get all worked up,

and then hopefully old Irving

can swoop in there.

What's your name?

Irving.

Maybe some of these ladies

will want a serving of Irving,

if you know what I'm saying.

That's right. Thank you.

Thank you, mama!

If you're ready

for the next entertainer,

everybody say, "I am!"

I am!

I love chocolate!

He's harder than a horseshoe!

I'm pretty loose right now,

but I could probably

get it going.

We want to see yours. We want

you to walk the red carpet.

You want to see mine?

Walk the red carpet.

I'll show her mine right now!

We're gonna make it

rain. Walk the red carpet.

I'm gonna go... I'm going

to walk the red carpet.

Yeah, I'm gonna shake it!

I don't know what

the f*** is going on.

Oh, oh...

What?

Excuse me?

Have you seen my grandpa?

Your grandpa?

I think he's lost.

He's kind of an idiot.

Why is he an idiot?

'Cause he's lost, duh.

Does he have a cell phone?

He's probably drunk right now.

He went to a strip club

last night.

I don't know what to tell you,

son. Oh, gosh.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Screw you.

Who you looking for?

I'm looking for my grandpa.

Your grandpa's not here.

Is he in the Champagne Room?

There's nobody in there.

- Let me check.

- No.

Let me just go check.

I told you.

He's like, persistent.

He wants to go in there.

And he's talking about

having a great time

in the Champagne Room

like, he's like, 21.

What's up?

- Is this an adult bookstore?

- Yeah.

Is my grandpa in here?

No.

Is there somebody, like...

Is somebody, like,

watching you or something?

No.

Did you get that shirt

at Tramps R Us?

What?

Did you get that shirt

at Tramps R Us?

- No.

- Oh.

- How old are you?

- Eight.

What's your name?

Billy.

When did you get here?

You're asking a lot

of questions for a stripper.

- What's your stage name?

- What?

What's your stripper

stage name?

I don't have a stage name.

I'm not a stripper.

I'll just call you Cinnamon.

- Cinnamon?

- What?

I look like a stripper?

Yeah. In a good way.

- In a good way?

- Oh, my...

Why don't you wait on me

and I'm gonna come, like,

take you to whatever

hotel you're at?

You don't need to be

out here by yourself.

You're gonna, like, get hurt.

There's a bunch

of crazy people out here.

Apparently,

your grandpa's one of them.

Bye, Cinnamon. I got to go.

No. And I'm not Cinnamon!

How you doing?

Rough night.

Grandpa!

Where have you been?

Not now.

I've been worried!

What're we gonna do

with Grandma's body?

I don't know, buddy.

We met with someone

to discuss that,

but your grandma,

she wasn't very cooperative

that day.

Just said some nonsense about

throw her off a bridge

for all she cares.

You know what a woman likes?

A new fishing rod?

No.

Magic!

I can prove it.

You want to see?

- Sure.

- All right.

Hello, ma'am. You wouldn't

flatter an old man

by watching him do

a magic trick, would you?

Oh... That's good. All right,

keep your eye on the...

I'm going to make it disappear.

No charge, either.

Okay.

'Cause I don't have any money.

There we go! Where'd it go?

- In your sleeve?

- No.

- What's that on your thumb?

- What?

Look.

Will you give me that?

Ah.

Why don't you beat it?

But I want to stay with you.

Why don't you beat it?

Grandpa's got to

talk to some tail.

He's...

He's a little cooter stretcher

is what he is.

You, uh...

You from this town?

Yeah. Born and raised.

Born and raised. You're awful pretty.

My goodness!

Thank you.

A beautiful young lady

like yourself,

I have something for you.

Oh, Lordy.

Here we go.

You're, uh, so kind.

- There you go.

- Oh, thank you.

Those are for you.

They're specially scented.

I bet.

You got time for an old man

like me, maybe?

We can blow this garmooshky

and go chase around a little.

Not tonight I don't.

- Not tonight?

- No.

You on a lunch break?

Yeah.

You married?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy. "Married" married?

"Married" married to

a gun-toting police officer.

- Oh, God! Of all the luck.

- There you go.

- All right, good times.

- See ya.

Bye.

If I had all the money

I spent on poontang,

you know what I'd do with it?

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