Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #6

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What?

Spend it on poontang.

One, two, three, four,

I declare a thumb war.

One, two, three,

four, five, six,

seven, eight...

Come on, you're a lefty.

You can be stronger than that.

I'm trying. I'm trying.

I'm trying.

It's because you're holding it

so close to the edge.

- Hello.

- Hi.

I see you have met my grandson.

Yeah.

Oh. My name is Irving. Oh.

I'm Lisa.

What was your name...

She's American.

You don't have to bow.

- What?

- You have a weird grandpa.

Where'd you go?

You told me to beat it

'cause you were gonna

talk to some tail.

Oh...

I said I was... To...

I was going to beat it to go

deliver some mail.

Oh, jeez.

You are hotter

than a Puerto Rican picnic.

Oh, my God, thank you!

- Thank you so much.

- Oh, my goodness!

You babysit big boys?

I do, yeah.

I mean big boys like me.

- Oh. No.

- No?

Definitely not.

Oh, well.

You win some,

you lose some, kid.

- Nice to meet you!

- See you. Bye-bye.

- Wow!

- Goodbye.

That was a slower no

than I usually get.

You may be useful after all!

You ever play charades?

Oh, oh...

Excuse me?

My grandpa

can't talk that well,

but he says

you're very beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Uh... Okay. I need to go.

I need to go.

Oh, my God.

Grandpa wants to know

if you're married!

Excuse me, my grandpa

would like to say something.

He wants to know if

you want to smell his finger.

No, no. No, no, no.

No, no. No, no.

He wants to know if

you're doing anything later.

Takes an old hen

to deliver the goods.

Is that a no?

- Is that a no?

- Old chickens make good soup.

Um.

My grandpa

can't talk that well,

but he says

you're very beautiful.

Hmm.

How do you know

that's what he said?

What did he say?

He says you make him

feel young again.

Mmm. Mmm.

Do you know what he's saying,

or are you just

making stuff up?

- I know what he's saying.

- Does he seem crazy to you sometime?

Yeah.

Excuse me!

Okay.

He wants to know where we can

get a hoagie around here.

A hoagie sandwich.

Um...

Hoagie sandwich.

Excuse me.

He says you look

like a nice Jew.

No, no, no, no...

Oh, he says

you have very nice shoes.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, nice.

Oh, we're just, uh...

We're just, uh, clowning

around. I'm trying to

teach him how to hit on women.

Oh, okay. I can kind of see

what was going on.

- How'd he do?

- You did very good.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

He's sweet. He's my grandson.

Okay.

Yes.

He goes to bed around

8:
00 p.m. or so. So, uh...

After that,

I'm pretty much free.

No, I'm not... I'm not in the

market right now.

You know, I...

I might be too old

to stir the gravy,

but I can still lick the spoon,

that's for damn sure.

Well, good luck.

Oh. All right.

- We'll be right here.

- Okay.

All right, sweetie.

Good job, buddy.

Have you kissed a girl yet?

Yeah.

Was she your girlfriend?

Yeah.

How long

did you go out with her?

A day.

A day...

A day?

That sounds like

some of my relationships.

Grandpa!

Whoa!

Get that damn thing

out of the way!

Jesus Christ!

Why would you put a penguin

right in my driving spot?

In your...

Sir, there's a curb there.

The driveways

are there and there.

Look, lady, get off my back!

I'm an old man.

What happened to

"the customer's always right"?

Yeah, but you ain't right about

running over the penguin.

Why would they put

the penguin in my spot?

You ran over the penguin.

You put a penguin in my spot!

You ran over the penguin!

What are you talking about?

Well, you don't have

to yell at me.

Can I get out?

Stay in the car, Billy.

And watch this.

You can't... Look, buddy.

You're not going anywhere.

You're fixing the thing.

That's all I'm telling you.

Oh, I'm going to eat.

You're not going anywhere.

Watch out for the penguin, sir!

No, I see it.

You already hit the penguin.

Listen to me, you're going to

fix that penguin, bro.

Whether you like it or not,

believe me,

you're gonna fix it.

Nope.

I mean, if I was fixing it,

you'd see me fixing it, but...

I'm not fixing it.

Did you notice

how I wasn't fixing it?

I'm about to bust your ass.

Over a penguin?

F***ing leave

the penguin alone, bro.

I'm about to whip you, motherf***er.

Up your ass, bro.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get your doober.

Oh. Oh. I got your doober.

I got your doober.

- I ate your doober.

- You shouldn't be f***ing driving anyway.

- Your f***ing 85 years old.

- I got his doober.

- Thank God that wasn't a human being.

- I got his doober and he's mad.

Okay, I'm gonna f***ing...

Oh! Atomic elbow!

Atomic elbow!

I did a little wrestling

myself in my younger days.

Are you f***ing

kidding me, bro?

What? Atomic elbow!

Are you kidding me?

I loved that duo with the

butcher when I was younger.

Are you f***ing

kidding me, man?

Why? It's

an atomic elbow.

Wow.

That looks like the camel toe

in your pants!

Hoo-hah!

Get it?

I said you had a vagina.

That's a vagina reference.

You're gonna fix

this f***ing penguin,

whether you like it or not.

You understand?

One second.

I'm gonna say it...

Am not, am not!

You're gonna fix

this f***ing thing.

Nope, nope.

You gotta ask yourself,

"What leverage do I have?"

Not much!

You're a f***ing jerkoff,

you know that?

"You're gonna

fix that penguin!"

"No, you're gonna fix it!"

"You're gonna fix it!"

"No, you're gonna!"

Table for two?

Yeah.

Okay. Right this way.

I'd like to fix her penguin.

Want to see how red

I can get my face?

Yeah.

Oh, stop, stop, stop!

Oh, my God.

That was redder

than an ape's ass.

Watch your mouth.

Oh, sorry.

That was redder

than an ape's tuchas.

Do you like a lot of milk?

Oh, boy, do I!

I like chocolate milk

sometimes.

Yeah, Grandpa's got a taste

for that, too.

Yeah.

He used to have

a big taste for it.

Why doesn't my mom like me?

Your mom likes you, buddy.

Then why'd she

run away from me?

Well...

Mom's got to go away

for a little bit, and so...

I'm taking you to your dad

so he can look after you.

But I don't really like my dad.

Yeah, I don't like him

much either, buddy.

- Angel.

- Yes.

Earplugs, Billy.

Earplugs.

What time do you get off?

- 9:
00 o'clock.

- All right.

- All right.

- All right.

Check out the rear

bumpers on that one.

- Mmm. How's your food?

- Good.

How much butter

you gonna put on that?

I'm eating this one.

- You eat it raw?

- Yeah, why not?

Dear God.

I think

all this bacon

is getting to Grandpa.

Did you...

Did you just toot, Grandpa?

That was

a church house creeper.

I think I got one.

I think you need

to clean out your shorts.

Beat that.

Grandpa's tummy's hurting.

Let it out.

Try this one on for size.

- Oh, God.

- Ew, Grandpa,

you sharted!

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, ladies. Don't...

Don't look back there.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, that's...

Let's go, buddy.

Oh, no.

That guy stood up

on the chair part

and pooped on the wall.

- He what?

- And he pooped on the wall.

Oh, good shot. Good...

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