Jane Wants a Boyfriend

1

- I pray thee, gentle mortal,

sing again.

Mine ear is much enamored

of thy note.

So is mine eye enthralled

to thy shape.

And thy fair virtues

force perforce

doth move me on the first view

to say, to swear, I love thee.

-Well, methinks, mistress,

you should have

little reason for that.

And yet, to say the truth,

reason and love keep little

company together nowadays.

'Tis more the pity

that some honest neighbors

will not make them friends.

Nay, nay, nay.

I can gleek upon occasion.

- Thou art as wise

as thou art beautiful.

-Oh, not so neither.

But if I had wit enough to get

out of this wood,

uh, I have enough to serve

mine own turn.

Toodle-oo.

- Out of this wood

do not desire to go.

Thou shalt remain here

whether thou wilt or no.

I am the spirit

of no common rate.

The summer still doth tend

upon my state.

And I do love thee.

- Jane, where are you?

We needed you back

five minutes ago.

-Oh!

-Who is that?

Hello?

I can't see,

but I know you're there.

Stage manager,

can you call security?

This is not

"phantom of the opera."

It's bloody Shakespeare!

Hey, working girl.

I've been waiting in the lobby

about 15 minutes.

We getting lunch or not?

Come on.

You smell like a cigarette.

- Well, sh*t.

I sprayed perfume.

It didn't help. You reek.

-Don't run and go tell mom.

- I don't run and tell.

You smell like smoke.

She asks me

if you're still smoking.

You must be smoking.

You don't smoke in your costume,

do you?

- Are you hungry yet?

I'm starving.

- You're starving?

- Yeah.

-You ate like five hours ago.

- Well, rehearsal

takes a lot out of me.

I noticed

you were pretty caught up

in your work today, too, huh?

Jane? Jane?

Come on.

No, no, no.

Get away from there, please.

Hello?

I know you heard me.

Please don't act

like you didn't.

-I'm not gonna fall.

- You've gotten stitches

more times than I can count,

and I don't want to fish you

out of the river today.

- Eight times.

You can count to eight.

- Guys in the military

don't get that many stitches.

- Come on.

Let's get a hot dog.

-Where'd I meet rob?

-Yeah, where'd you meet rob?

- No, I heard you the first time,

Jane.

I was just taking a second.

Peanuts?

-You mean you don't remember?

-Cut me some slack.

My memory's not as sharp

as yours.

We were at a bar.

- Which bar?

- Romantic, right?

- Which bar was it?

Was it in Manhattan?

- Actually, no.

We were on the street

in front of the bar and...

-what street?

- Which street?

I don't know which street.

It was in the village somewhere.

-So you were in Manhattan.

East or west?

Was it near that park

with all the drug addicts?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's with all the questions,

Nancy drew?

-Nothing.

Just curious, I guess.

You're coming to my birthday

breakfast tomorrow, right?

-Have I ever missed it?

-Twice.

- Uh, is your new friend

Lucy coming?

The one from your class?

- I don't like

hanging out with her anymore.

She has three cats,

and there's always hair

all over her shirts.

-Ugh.

Hey, I'm sorry your birthday

lunch wasn't something fancier.

-No, this is all I wanted.

- Hi, mom.

- How was your trip?

- Brooklyn to queens? You make it

sound like some big journey.

- It's too bad

rob couldn't make it.

- Yeah, he's, uh,

working in the field today.

Had some interviews

with workers and stuff.

But he sends his love.

-Oh, we works so hard.

One day, they're gonna

give him the real juicy stuff.

- Mm.

- So, how's the apartment?

Everything, uh, unpacked?

- Yeah, pretty much.

We're gonna have some people

over tomorrow night

for a little

housewarming thing, so...

-You invited Jane, of course?

- Yeah, of course.

- Yeah!

Honey, you know what that means.

That means we have the house

all to ourselves.

-Mm-hmm. Mwah!

- Wait. Isn't Maggie coming over?

Or Hannah?

Does she still hang out

with Hannah?

-Yeah, she just...

Jane didn't want a party

this year.

You know how she doesn't like

all the commotion.

Honey, are those

chocolate-chip pancakes?

- Yes, they are.

- Oh, my god.

No.

Jane wanted blueberry.

- Janey asked

for chocolate-chip pancakes.

-I don't think she did.

-Where is that girl?

- Oh, my god. -Janey, honey?

We're all waiting on you.

Pancakes are getting cold.

- This is just not a good idea.

- Are you guys all right?

You seem a little on edge.

-No, we're good.

We're good.

And Jane's great.

She's so,

you know, high-functioning,

so independent, and...

Actually, honey,

now that we're together,

we really need to talk to you

about something.

- There's the birthday girl.

- Oh, there she is.

- Happy bir...

- No, no, no.

-25 years old.

I remember when you were

just a little peanut.

Happy birthday, kiddo.

- I don't need candles anymore.

I'm not a baby.

-Told you not to use a candle.

- Honey, adults love candles

on their birthday.

Right, Bianca?

- Yeah, of course they do.

-Yes, of course they do.

-These aren't blueberry.

- They're chocolate chip.

Your favorite, sweetie.

-Told you.

-I requested blueberry this year

because I am a woman

and not a child.

But that's okay.

I'll still eat them.

- So, Janey,

do you feel any older yet?

- No, mom still hung up balloons

and streamers

while I was sleeping.

-Uh, Jane,

tell your sister how much

you love working at her theater.

-Yeah, I like it.

I wish they'd let me design

the costumes, though,

instead of sewing rips

and hanging stuff.

- That was good of you

to help her with, Bianca.

- I didn't pull any strings.

I just told her about it,

and she did the rest

all on her own.

- Did they tell you yet?

- Tell me what?

- You know what, Janey?

Uh, now's not the time.

Maybe, uh, later,

after pancakes.

- Yes, everybody

eat their pancakes.

- Whatever it is,

Jane already knows, so...

-Bianca, eat your pancakes.

-You know what?

Everybody just calm down.

-I'm calm.

Jane, you calm?

We're calm.

What is it?

-Uh, we're moving to Jersey.

-I think I'm gonna puke.

-You're so dramatic, Bianca.

- I'm dramatic, too.

- Of course you are, honey.

-Wha... I'm sorry, Jersey?

Why in god's name

would you move to Jersey?

-The countryside.

It's only like an hour

outside Philly.

There really are

some lovely areas.

-Please, mom.

You can't put lipstick on a pig.

- Watch your mouth.

- What did I say?

- Your mother and I have been

wanting to get out of the city

for a long time,

go someplace quiet.

- Why can't you put lipstick

on a pig?

-I can work on my book.

Mom can find a teaching job.

-Yoga. Mm-hmm.

- Besides, we can't afford

the area anymore.

- Please tell me

you're not selling the house.

Wha... j-Jane's okay with this?

You're okay with this?

What about your internship

and your class and her routines?

You guys know how important

her routines are to her.

W-what about Maggie and Hannah?

And what happens to Jane?

- They want her

to move in with us.

They want her to live with us.

Can you believe that?

I mean, I guess she wants to, as

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