Jane Wants a Boyfriend Page #2

well. I can't really blame her.

It's a hell of a housewarming gift...

- A beautiful bird.

- Bringing home my autistic sister.

- Make a man cry it's so beautiful.

Flies through the air

like an angel.

-Could you hold that thought?

- Yeah. Sure, pal.

Take your time.

We're just talking birds, okay?

- Thank you.

- All right.

- Hey.

- Babe, did you hear

what I just said?

-Uh, yeah, I heard you.

-And what do you think?

- Ugh!

Jesus Christ.

-What do you want to do?

- I want to be with you,

you know?

Focus on us.

- Yes, right. Yes.

I love Janey to death.

She is the best.

I just...

I don't know

that I would be comfortable

with that responsibility,

you know?

- Yes. Exactly.

That's what I told them.

- You told your parents

I didn't want her moving in.

That's not good.

Thanks.

- No, babe.

I just said that you might not

be 100% cool with it.

They were grilling the sh*t

out of me,

and I had to say something.

- Okay, yeah, right.

Listen, no problem.

Um, I have to finish this,

uh, interview

with this insane person

that Hewitt put me up to,

and I got to somehow spin this

and make this interesting

or readable.

I don't know. Um, so tonight,

why don't we do this?

I'm gonna make you

a late dinner,

we're gonna

crack open some wine,

and I'm going to hug you

and kiss you,

and we are gonna

celebrate your graduation

from working for tips, okay?

- Yeah.

No, I get it.

I'll talk to you later.

- Semipalmated plover.

- There he is.

Plover, yes.

Beautiful creature.

I guess the point

I'm trying to get at, buddy,

is the teenagers come in here

at night when I'm not here.

They won't let me

stay overnight...

Another story entirely.

-Jane, come on. Open up.

-What?

- I've got your pancakes here,

and you only had like one bite.

-I'm not hungry.

-I'm not going back to him.

-That's silly.

Of course

you're going back to him.

Well,

if you don't go back to him,

you'll spoil everything for us.

You can see that, can't you?

- You smell like smoke.

Mom's gonna say something.

- If I stay married

and keep you on the side...

- I'm sorry I got so frustrated

at the table.

- and when I'm lonely...

- It's just a lot to take in

on the spot.

You know?

- Oh, brother.

-M-mom and dad just...

-shh!

I love this part.

- Is that what you

expected of me?

-Helen, listen.

What's the matter with you?

- Suddenly I've gotten

very cold feet.

- Hey, I'm having a housewarming

party tomorrow night, Jane.

I want you to come.

We can talk about all this scary

moving stuff later, okay?

You'll come, won't you?

We've talked about this, Jane.

You have to get

out of the house more often.

We've talked about it, right?

-Okay, fine.

I'll go.

Just be quiet, please.

I can't listen to you and have

my eyes work at the same time.

-Okay.

-Charlie...

- I need that f***ing squash

in two.

- It's coming.

It's coming.

-Don't you f*** with me, Jos.

- Pick up! Thank you.

- Eta on those lobsters?

Who's working those lobsters?

Somebody better be working

those f***ing lobsters.

- Here's your re-cook...

Medium-rare.

Hope the bastard chokes.

-Yeah, very good, very good.

- I told you I'm gonna

make that happen, right?

Kim the waitress?

Eyebrows?

- Ohh.

- Eyebrows.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Beautiful.

-Jackie boy, how's it hanging?

-Hey, gyp.

Not bad, man.

Was in the weeds.

Now I'm not in the weeds.

-That's great.

Say, Jack, got anything

on the back burner for me?

I'm fresh out of new recipes.

-Sure.

Yeah, gyp,

let me whip something up.

A filet of brook trout with

crushed pistachios and walnuts

drizzled

with a light gray fruit butter.

There's some vegetables

and sh*t in there, too.

- Wow.

You made this for me?

- With my own blood,

sweat, tears,

and a little bit of snot.

- Ah.

Ah, that smells amazing.

- Don't mention it.

Figured everyone deserves

a last meal.

I'm meeting one

of the waitresses

when she gets off, so why don't

we open up a tab, huh?

"Jack's tab."

Right.

What happened to Christy?

- Oh, it's Kim now.

Kim's the waitress?

-Yeah, Kim's the waitress.

- Christy seemed nice.

You two were cool together.

-Yeah, just different schedules.

You know.

- Some things

were getting serious, huh?

-Things were never serious.

Looks like everyone's

got the same idea, huh?

- Hmm. Yeah.

It pays to have regulars.

- You got some nice regulars.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, man.

I can't believe

it's your last night.

And some company

for the occasion.

The only other guy

in here looks like a pirate.

- And it's still early.

How about that?

- Well, here's to you,

a fully employed actress

supporting herself

off the fruits of her own labor.

Mazel tov.

-Here's to paying equity dues.

Mm.

- You look like you been

sucking on a lemon.

What is the problem?

Not enough presents for you?

-No, it's just...

It's been a long day.

That's all.

- Come on.

It's your last night.

Just don't take my lucky.

Don't look at me like that.

It's late.

He doesn't care.

Look at this guy.

Attagirl.

Give me one of these.

-Mm.

-How's my Robbie boy?

Excited for his big

coming-out party tomorrow?

He's insane.

- Ugh.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey. Welcome to fish bar,

where it's always happy hour.

Watch out for that puke there.

- Oh.

- What you got?

Cookies?

Excellent.

You can leave those with me.

I'm just joking.

You can put them right over here

with all the other goodies.

Chocolate chip?

Where's Bianca?

- She's getting the mop

for that mess over there.

-Here.

Have a seat.

I've been saving this seat

for a pretty gal

going on 10 minutes now.

What are you drinking?

Or stand.

Standing's good, too.

- You just said you were

saving it for someone.

- I'm sorry.

Is it the smoke? Here.

There.

It's out.

-You really shouldn't do that.

It's bad for you.

And it's illegal

to smoke indoors

in the state of New York.

- I've heard that.

I've also heard

that cookies make your butt big.

Well, I'd rather have

a big cookie butt than be dead.

- Yeah,

'cause then you could eat

your own big cookie butt.

- Stop it.

I'm not that funny.

You'll make my head big.

Jesus.

You, uh...

You must be

in the Bianca's regulars club.

I'm a member, too.

I'm Jack.

It's okay.

They're clean.

- Can you just tell her

I brought her cookies?

They're her favorite.

-Yeah, sure.

-It was nice meeting you!

- Who should I say you are?

That's a f***ing good cookie.

- She's my sis

and you take care of family,

but what they're asking,

it's like they're forcing me

to say it.

Say what?

- Well, there's no nice way

of telling someone you love them

but you don't want them around.

- No, you don't have to explain

yourself to me. I get it.

If Mischa wanted

to move in with me,

I'd be like, "hell no, b*tch."

-Right?

- They're asking me to take on

a full-time job

when I'm about to be up to my

tits in eight shows per week.

And looking after her isn't

exactly a cakewalk, you know?

- I know. I remember how she was

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