Jarhead Page #3

I'm

Lieutenant Colonel Kazinski,

your battalion commander.

We are now a part of

Operation Desert Shield.

Now, just north of us...

Saddam Hussein's got

one million Iraqi soldiers.

And some of those boys

have been fighting...

since you were nine

or ten years old.

They are tough.

They will stop at nothing.

They've used nerve gas

against the Iranians

and the Kurds.

Now, here's a picture.

I know

what you're thinking.

You're thinking,

"Let's kick ass

and take names...

"and end this sh*t

the day before yesterday. "

(all)

Yeah!

But the bureaucrats

have a lot of jawboning to do.

So for now, these Iraqis

who have raped and pillaged...

poor little Kuwait

are not yet in our gun sights.

Our current mission

is to protect

the oil fields...

of our good friends

in the Kingdom of Saud...

until further notice.

And gentlemen,

I'm talking a lot of oil.

A lot of oil.

So you will hydrate,

you will train...

you will adjust

to this desert,

and you'll hydrate some more.

And you will be ready.

You will maintain

a constant state

of suspicious alertness...

and one day soon...

Saddam Hussein is gonna regret

pulling this sorry sh*t.

(all)

Ooh-rah!

(Fowler)

We're gonna kick

some Iraqi ass!

[Laughing]

What did you say?

We're gonna kick

some Iraqi ass, sir!

Oh, hell, son.

What, you gonna win

the Medal of Honor

all by yourself?

What's the rest

of my battalion gonna do?

(all)

Kick some Iraqi ass!

You know,

I think it's time

for me to retire.

I can't hear a f***ing thing!

Kick some Iraqi ass!

Oh, boys,

I just got a hard-on!

[All laughing]

(Fowler)

Man, this defensive

position sh*t sucks, huh?

We need to get out

of this sh*t hole soon.

I need to shoot something!

You're gonna get

all you want soon enough.

First to f***ing fight!

Yeah. For what?

I've been around

these old white f***ers

all my life.

They got their fat hands

in Arab oil.

The motherfuckers drink it

like it's beer.

That's why we're here,

to protect their profits.

You're full of sh*t.

He's full of sh*t.

Who do you think gave Saddam

all his f***ing weapons?

We did!

F*** politics, all right?

We're here.

All the rest is bullshit.

(Fowler)

Yeah.

[Mumbling]

Everyone else

is unpacking, man.

I'm taking a break.

(Fowler)

What you got?

Photos.

She's hot. Yours?

Yes, man.

You better shoot yourself

in the foot...

and get a ticket home...

because Jodies are

gonna be all over her!

[All exclaiming]

Look at her!

Ain't she an animal!

They won't

leave her alone!

That's nice

for a white chick, man.

Thank you, man.

Nice? Come on.

I'd drink a gallon

of her pee just to see

where it came from.

All right, all right,

all right.

This is hardcore right here.

This is close to porn.

Let me see that one.

Let me see.

She's got

a baby fist down here.

Dream on, brothers, dream on.

I'm storing that

for later, man.

I'm storing it for later.

Hey, y'all horny fucks

wanna see a beautiful woman?

Yeah!

Let's see it.

Let's see it.

Give it up!

Check this out.

Yeah, boy!

Give it up, give it up.

No, no, no.

Oh, no! Please

don't love me!

Now, tell them

how many tortillas she had

before that picture.

[All laughing]

Hey, she's pregnant, man.

That's why

she's so beautiful, man.

This is what it's all about

right here, man.

[All booing]

Hey, f*** you guys!

Married guys.

I'm telling you, married guys

lose brain cells

by the billions.

If the Corps wanted you

to have a wife...

they would have

issued you one.

Yeah, they would have

issued you one.

Yeah!

No family photos, Swofford?

Hey, can I see

your pictures?

Yeah, sure, man.

Thanks.

Fergus, right?

Yeah.

She have her own clothes?

Well, ain't this cozy as f***?

You guys get settled in?

(all)

Yes, Staff Sergeant!

Well,

if you're not too busy...

Gas! Gas! Gas!

Right now!

I'm talking about gas!

Let's go! Let's move it!

Come on, guys,

what the f*** are you doing?

Let's go! Get it on!

Right now your d*cks

are falling off!

Your skin is bubble wrap!

Let's go! Move it!

You sorry motherfuckers,

I told you, "Don't get lazy. "

Didn't I tell you

not to get lazy? Let's go!

Let's go.

What are you doing?

That's your f***ing

sleeping bag, you moron!

Let's go!

It's been 30 seconds.

What the f*** are you doing?

Get it on!

You stay ready,

you ain't got to get ready!

You nasty motherfuckers

are so lazy! I told you

to stay on point!

That's 45 seconds!

What you doing?

What you doing?

You better get

your motherfucking ass

in gear!

You gonna be

the first motherf***er

I kick up in the ass.

Get it on!

I'm trying!

They packed mine wrong!

Retarded motherfuckers,

let's go! Put it on!

Let's go! Stop!

Stop it right now!

[Lmitating Darth Vader]

Luke.

Come over

to the dark side, Luke.

55 seconds. You're all dead.

And since you're all dead...

I guess you wouldn't mind

taking a little run

in these suits.

Let's go!

##[Bang a Gong playing]

[Swoff panting]

Swofford,

if you don't pick it up...

I'm gonna shoot you

in your f***ing foot!

Move it!

(Swoff)

The price of crude oil

has nearly doubled.

President Bush

sends in more troops.

Us, six times a day,

we gather for formation.

Drink it down,

all of it.

And we hydrate.

Now, hold them up.

We patrol the empty desert.

Get down!

And we dehydrate.

[Sighing]

We throw hand grenades...

into nowhere.

We navigate

imaginary minefields.

We fire at nothing.

[Gunfire]

And we hydrate some more.

You will hydrate

till I get full.

There you go.

Hold it down.

Now, hold them up.

[Swoff sighing]

And we look north,

towards the border...

and we wait for them.

This is our labor.

We wait.

I got one! A white one!

Master race.

[Exclaiming]

Check her out.

It's beautiful.

Chango's reign of terror

is over! Over!

[Marines cheering]

Come on!

It's over,

you f***ing p*ssy,

Chango.

Chango, come on.

(all)

Hey, come on, Chango.

Come on, Chango!

[All cheering]

(Fowler)

Now you're gonna see a fight, kid!

Come on! Come on!

[All cheering]

Come on, whitey!

Come on. Come on.

Come on! Come on!

(Fowler)

Pay me my money,

motherfuckers!

(all)

All right!

(Marine)

I told you, I told you!

(Marine)

Go, Chango!

(all)

Chango! Chango! Chango!

[All continue chanting]

F***ing a**hole.

(Swoff)

Suggested techniques

for the Marine to use...

in the avoidance

of boredom and loneliness:

Masturbation...

rereading of letters

from unfaithful wives

and girlfriends...

cleaning your rifle...

further masturbation...

rewiring Walkmen...

arguing about religion

and meaning of life...

discussing in detail

every woman the Marine

has ever f***ed...

debating differences,

such as Cuban

versus Mexican...

Harleys versus Hondas...

left- versus right-handed

masturbation...

further cleaning of rifle...

studying of Filipino

mail-order bride catalog...

further masturbation...

planning of

Marine's first meal

on return home...

imagining what

the Marine's girlfriend...

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