Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

OVER BLACK WE SEE:

CHYRON:

A long time ago, in front of a convenience store far, far away--

EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAY

We FADE IN on the block of stores (Quick Stop/RST), from sometime ago, In fact, RST

isn't RST; it's THE RECORD RACK -- a 45's store with head shop paraphernalia in the

window. A white-trash MOTHER (maybe seventeen) wearing a baseball cap comes into

frame carrying a chubby BABY. The Baby wears an oversized t-shirt under what looks

like a little bathrobe, and messily eats a CHOCOLATE BAR. There are food stamps in

the Mother's hands.

MOTHER:

Bobby-Boy stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, 'kay?

She looks up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes slightly, then looks back at the baby on

the ground. She takes off her baseball cap and places it on the baby.

MOTHER:

This'll keep the sun out of your eyes. You be good now.

She walks away, leaving the baby sitting against the wall. With the backwards baseball

cap and the chocolate around his mouth forming something that resembles a beard, the

kid looks kind of familiar.

Then, another MOTHER (also very young) decked out in a KISS concert shirt from years

gone by and huge, feathered hair enters, with a black skullcap wearing BABY slung at

her hip. She sees the first Baby, sitting against the wall and sets her Baby down beside

him.

MOTHER:

Don't f***ing move, you little sh*t-machine. Mommy's gonna try to score.

A PASSERBY enters, heading toward the convenience store. He takes note of the Babies

and the Mother heading into the record store, and then stops and addresses her, disgusted.

PASSERBY:

Excuse me--who's watching these babies?

MOTHER:

The fat one's watching the little one.

PASSERBY:

Oh, nice parenting.

(walking away)

Leave'em out here like that and see what happens.

The Passerby walks away. The Mother flips him the bird.

MOTHER:

F*** YOU, YOU F***ING SQUARE!

PASSERBY:

(waving her off)

Ah, keep on truckin'.

MOTHER:

(to baby)

D'jou hear the crazy f*** tellin' me how to f***in' raise you? Motherf***er, man!

Who's he f***ing think he is? What's the worse f***in' thing could happen to you sitting

outside the f***in' stores? F***!

The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. Then, they look at each other.

The larger one says nothing. The smaller one says--

BABY:

F***, f***, f***,,,

DISSOLVE TO:

THE PRESENT:

JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The Record Rack is now RST

VIDEO. Jay is mid-chant.

JAY:

(as a chant)

--f***, f***, f***, mother-mother f***, mother-mother f***-f***! Mother f***-,

mother-f***, mother-f***, noinch-noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing

coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who

smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts!

A pair of TEENS approach them.

TEEN 1

Lemme get a nickel bag.

JAY:

Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the money in my hand. If the money does not show, then

you owe-me-owe-me-owe.

(changing up to Morris Day)

My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! I think I want to know ya', know ya'--

TEEN 1

(digging in pockets)

What the hell are you singing?

JAY:

You don't know " Jungle Love"? That sh*t is the mad notes. Written by God Herself and

handed down to the world's greatest band--the motherfucking Time.

TEEN 2

The guys in that Prince movie?

TEEN 1

Purple Rain.

TEEN 2

Man, that sh*t was so gay--f***ing eighties style.

Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against the wall.

JAY:

B*tch, don't you NEVER say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob

modeled our whole f***ing lives after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who

loves the p*ssy, and Tubby here's my black manservant!

Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door behind him.

RANDAL:

What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Drop the kid and peddle your

wares someplace else, burn-boy.

(walking away)

And for the record, The Time sucked ass.

He exits. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. After a beat--

JAY:

Yo-youse guys wanna hear something f***ed up about him and the Quick Stop guy?

INT. QUICK STOP-DAY

Randal joins Dante behind the counter. Dante rings up a customer, a half-eaten submarine

sandwich sitting on the counter. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a

newspaper.

RANDAL:

Hey, can't we do something about those two stoners hanging around outside all the time?

DANTE:

Why? What'd they do now?

RANDAL:

I'm trying to watch Clash of the Titans, and all I can hear is the two them screaming

about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.

DANTE:

I thought the fat one didn't really talk much.

RANDAL:

What, am I producing an A&E Biography about 'em? I'm just saying they shouldn't be

loitering around the stores like they do.

DANTE:

Neither should you, but we let you stay.

RANDAL:

See, man--if you were funnier than that, ABC never would've cancelled us.

DANTE:

What?

RANDAL:

Nothing.

Enter Teen 1 and Teen 2, chuckling.

TEEN 1

Two packs of Wraps.

(beat)

Yo--how was the service?

RANDAL:

What service?

TEEN 2

The one at the Unitarian church where you two got married to each other last week.

RANDAL:

What the hell are you talking about?

TEEN 1

Jay said you had a Star-Wars--themed wedding and you guys tied the knot dressed like

storm troopers.

TEEN 2

Yeah. And he said you're the b*tch and you're the butch. Oh, sorry-- the Leia and the

Luke.

DANTE:

I'm the b*tch?!

RANDAL:

Well if we were gay, that's how I'd see it.

DANTE:

Would you shut up?!

TEEN 1

(to TEEN 2)

Holy sh*t, dude. The honeymoon's over.

DANTE:

We're not married to each other.

TEEN 1

Well, sure. Not in the eyes of the state or any real church, Skywalker.

RANDAL:

(heading for the phone)

That does it. I'm gonna do something about those two. I shoulda done a long time ago

TEEN 2

In a galaxy far, far away!

TEEN 1

(exiting)

May the Foreskin be with you. Hand Jabba the Hutt.

RANDAL:

(into phone)

Yeah, I want to report a couple of drug dealers out in front of the Quick Stop.

EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY

Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a COP, who frisks them.

JAY:

What the F***, Serpico? What'd we do?

COP:

We got a report that two guys were hanging around outside the stores, selling pot?

JAY:

We don't smoke pot, yo.

Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers.

TEEN 1

Here're the rolling papers you wanted for your pot. And your change. Thanks.

(getting in Jay's face)

And The Time sucks ass!

Teen 1 races off.Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop stops them, grabbing the

rolling papers out of Jay's hand. He eyeballs the pair.

COP:

No put, hunh? What do you need this for?

JAY:

What? I got a wiping problem. I stick these little pieces of paper over my brown-eye, and

bam--no sh*t stains in my undies.

(unbuttoning pants)

You don't believe me? Lemme show you.

Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back over his shoulder.

JAY:

Just spread my cheeks a little and you can see the f***ing stink nuggets--

COP:

Pull up your pants up sir, Now!

Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Silent Bob cracks up. The Cop grabs

them both, leading them toward the car.

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