Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #2

COP:

Let's take a ride down to the station.

JAY:

What? It's suddenly a crime to fart, motherf***er?!

EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAY

An ESTABLISHING SHOT of Brodie's store in the heart of Red Bank.

BRODIE (O.C.)

No f***ing way!

WE GO TIGHT on the huge, cartoon sign of BRODIE outside to--

INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATER

BRODIE himself, holding a stack of comics in one hand and a Dixie cup in the other, Jay

and Silent Bob follow him as he puts new books in the racks.

BRODIE:

Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order?!

JAY:

Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the stores,we get thrown into County.

BRODIE:

So you gonna abide by the court's ruling or you gonna go Bandit--Reynolds style?

JAY:

F*** yeah! You know what they make you do in county? Toss the f***ing salad! I don't

like this f***'s a**hole; I'm gonna do it for some stranger?

BRODIE:

I guess if you really wanted to hang out in from of a convenience store, you could just

buy your own now--what with all that money you guys made.

JAY:

Hell yeah, b*tch.

(beat)

Wait a second--what money?

BRODIE:

The money from the movie, dumb-ass.

JAY:

What the f*** are you babbling about?

BRODIE:

(pulling a bagged-and-boarded issue down from the wall)

The Bluntman and Chronic movie.

(dawns on him)

Oh my God--don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic

you two were the basis for.

JAY:

What?! Since when?

BRODIE:

Goddamit, man--

(taps his wrist)

Here's the pulse, alright. And here's your finger--

(shoves his hand down the back of his pants)

--far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.

(extracts hand and extends it to Jay)

Say--would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Brodie leads them back to the counter.

BRODIE:

You see, kids, if you read Wizard, you'd know it's the top story this month. Check it out.

Brodie hands Jay and Silent Bob a copy of Wizard, opened to the headline: Snootchie

Bootchies! Bluntman and Chronic Get Big Screen Treatment! There are pictures of

HOLDEN MCNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS, as well as drawings of Bluntman and

Chronic.

JAY:

When the f*** did this happen?!

BRODIE:

Well, after X-Men hit at the box office, all the studios started buying up every comic

property they could get their hands on. Miramax optioned Bluntman and Chronic.

JAY:

Miramax? I thought they only made classy flicks like The Piano and The Crying Game?

BRODIE:

Yeah, well once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. So you're saying you

haven't gotten a cut of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards used to

pay you likeness rights for the comic book?

JAY:

We haven't seen a f***ing dime for no movie!

BRODIE:

Well boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky owe you some of the proverbial

phat cash. I mean they're making a movie based on characters that are based on you and

Quiet Robert.

JAY:

It ain't me and Quiet Robert. It's a pair of stupid-ass superheroes that run around saying

"Snitchy-Nitchies" or something.

BRODIE:

I believe it "Snootchie Boochies." Regardless--you're getting screwed. If I was you

guys, I'd confront Holden McNeil and ask him for my movie check.

JAY:

Sh*t yeah. We gotsa get paid.

BRODIE:

And on that note, we cue the music.

Jay lays down a House bass beat. Brodie complements it with his own beat.

EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAY

Jay and Silent Bob mosey past the front door of the building and knock.

INT. POTZER'S INC--DAY

Holden McNeil, opens the door and smiles.

HOLDEN:

Well! I have been waiting years to do this.

(smiles)

Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Smells like someone sh*t in their cereal.

Bunngg!

Jay and Silent Bob enter. Holden closes the door, following them.

JAY:

What the f*** took you so long answering your damn door? You trying to talk another

girlfriend of yours into some of that gay-ass three-way action with your buddy?

HOLDEN:

No, I was just showering your mother's stink off me after I gave her a quick jump and

sent her home. But now that you mention it--

(to Bob)

Thanks, you know. You could've made the moral of that story you told me a bit more

clear.

Silent Bob shrugs.

HOLDEN:

So what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods?

JAY:

Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods--

Silent Bob holds up the Wizard article.

JAY:

Where's our motherfucking movie check?

HOLDEN:

You heard about that too, Hunh? Well, I've got nothing to do with it. That's Banky's

deal. He owns the property now. I signed my half of the Bluntman and Chronic right over

to him years ago.

JAY:

Why the f*** would you do a thing like that?

HOLDEN:

Because I'm almost thirty, for God's sake--why on earth would I want to keep writing

about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? You

gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want more for yourself?

(off Silent Bob)

I know this poor, hapless sonovabitch does. I look in his doe eyes and I see a man crying

out, "When ,Lord? When the f*** can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little

chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, and who bombards me and

those around us with grade-A foolishness that prevents me from even getting to kiss a

girl? F***! When?!

Silent Bob nod like he's finally understood. Jay looks at him, hurt, and Bob tried to

downplay the comment's truth.

JAY:

I'm the chucklehead? F*** you--you're the dumb-ass who gave away his comic, and

now you ain't got no fat movie check neither.

HOLDEN:

When you're right, you're right. I wish I'd broken off a little piece for myself. Because if

the buzz is any indication, the movie's gonna make some huge bank.

JAY:

What buzz?

HOLDEN:

The Internet buzz.

JAY:

What the f*** is the Internet?

INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATER

Holden's at a computer terminal. Jay and Silent bob look over his shoulder.

HOLDEN:

The Internet is a communication device that allows people the world over to b*tch about

movies and share pornography with one another.

(off monitor)

Here's what we're looking for: "Movie PoopShoot.com"

JAY:

(to Bob)

"PoopChute." Yeaaahhh.

HOLDEN:

This is a site full of militant movie buffs: sad bastards who live in their parents'

basements, downloading scripts and trading what they believe to be inside info about

movies and actors they despise yet can't stop discussing. This is where you go if you

wanna hear frustrated would-be filmmakers mouth off with their two-bit, arm-chair-

director's opinions on how they all could've made a better Episode One.

On the computer monitor, we see the site mainpage load up. Holden begins navigating

the site.

HOLDEN:

Here. This is about the Bluntman movie.

(reading)

"Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday on their adaption of

underground comic fave Bluntman and Chronic."

JAY:

Friday?! Sh*t. Does it say who's playing us in the movie?

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