Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #3

HOLDEN:

No, but if it's Miramax, I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put'em in a

bunch of movies.

JAY:

Who?

HOLDEN:

You know--the guys from Good Will Hunting.

JAY:

You mean the f***ing movie with Mork from Ork in it?

HOLDEN:

Yeah, I'm not too big a fan either. Though Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms.

JAY:

Word, b*tch. Phantoms like a motherf***er.

Holden and Jay slap hands. Holden points at the monitor again.

HOLDEN:

Now down here is where you can gauge the buzz. This is the Shoot Back area. It's where

people who read the news get to chime in with their two cents. Here's what a guy who

goes by the chick-magnet Net handle of "Wampa-One" thinks about Bluntman and

Chronic.

(reading)

"Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only work in small

doses, if at all. They don't deserve their own movie."

(to Jay)

He's got a point.

JAY:

F*** him. What's the next one say?

HOLDEN:

(reading)

"Bluntman and Chronic is the worst comic I ever read. Jay and Silent Bob are stupid

characters. A couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catchphrases like a third-rate Cheech

and Chong or Bill and Ted. F*** Jay and Silent Bob. F*** them up their stupid asses."

JAY:

Who the f*** said that sh*t?!

HOLDEN:

A guy who calls himself "Magnolia-Fan." Check out what the guy after him said: "Jay

and Silent Bob are terrible, one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at. They're f***ing

clown shoes. If they were real, I'd beat the sh*t out of them for being so stupid. I can't

believe Miramax would have anything to so with this sh*t. I, for one, will be boycotting

this movie. Who's with me?"

(leans back)

And then there are about fifty more posts from people who agree to join Spartacus-here's

boycott of the flick.

JAY:

(grimly)

I'm gonna kill all these fucks--

HOLDEN:

Ah, let it go. Number one, they're a bunch of jealous little d*cks who use the anonymity

of the Net to insult people who're doing what they wish they were doing, and number

two, they're not really talking about you guys--they talking about Bluntman and

Chronic.

JAY:

But they said Jay and Silent Bob! They used our real names. It doesn't matter that there's

a comic book version of us and a real version, 'cause nobody knows we're real in real

life.

HOLDEN:

Really.

JAY:

Yeah! And all these people who read that sh*t think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a

couple of faggots 'cause of that all these d*cks are writing about the comic book Jay and

Silent Bob! And maybe one night, me and Lunchbox'll be macking some b*tch, and she'll

be like "Oooo! I want to suck youse guys d*cks off. What's your names?" And I'll be

like, "Jay and Silent Bob." And she'll be like, "Oh--I read on the Internet that youse

guys were little f***ing jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys's d*cks off

instead! Well f*** that! We gotta put a stop to these hateful sonsa-b*tches before they

ruin our good names!

HOLDEN:

First off, I don't know how good your names really are. Secondly, there's not much you

can do about stopping this bile. The Internet's given everyone in America a voice, and

everyone in American has chosen to use that voice to b*tch about movies. As long as

there's a Bluntman and Chronic movie, the Net-nerds are gonna have something negative

to say about it.

Jay steams, thinking. Then, a light dawns on him.

JAY:

But wait a second--if there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie, then no one would be

saying sh*t about Jay and Silent Bob, right?

HOLDEN:

They're not saying anything about you now--they're talking about fictional characters!

JAY:

(oblivious to Holden; to Bob)

So all we gotta do is stop 'em from making the movie!

HOLDEN:

Yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties you're due in the

process. Are you f***ing retarded? Look, I'm probably not alone in the opinion that this

flick is the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. I mean, a Jay and Silent Bob movie?

Who would pay to see that?

Holden, Jay and Silent Bob pause and look at the camera for a beat. Then--

HOLDEN:

But since it is happening, you might as well just ignore the idiots on the Internet, go find

Banky, and get your "motherfucking movie check." As you so succinctly put it. That's

what's important here.

JAY:

No, Holden McNeil--what's important here is that there's a bunch of motherfuckers we

don't even know calling us a**holes on the Internet to a bunch of teenagers and guys who

can't even get laid. Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do.

(off monitor)

When did it say they're making that movie?

HOLDEN:

They start this Friday.

JAY:

So if today's Tuesday, that gives us --

(counts)

Eight days.

HOLDEN:

It's more like three days.

JAY:

Right. Three days to stop that stupid f***ing movie from getting made! C'mon, Silent

Bob--

Jay and Bob stand and look at each other, filled with purpose.

JAY:

We're going to Hollywood.

They stride off. Holden shakes his head.

HOLDEN:

Now that's what I call the Blunt leading the Blunt.

EXT. BUS STATION--DAY

Jay and Silent Bob approach a bus that's labeled " Los Angeles." They nod at each other

and then climb aboard. After a beat, they re-emerge.

JAY:

Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus?

They head toward the depot.

JAY:

Didn't we used to ride that sh*t to school every day for free?

EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

The bus roars past a sign that read: Leaving New Jersey.

INT. BUS--SAME

Jay makes his way up to the DRIVER.

JAY:

We in Hollywood yet?

DRIVER:

It's a three--day ride to Los Angeles, sir. We left twenty minutes ago.

JAY:

I didn't ask you about Los Angeles. I asked you about Hollywood.

DRIVER:

Hollywood's in Los Angeles, sir.

JAY:

Don't change the subject! Are we in Hollywood yet or not?

DRIVER:

Please sit down, sir.

Jay glares at the Driver and heads back to his seat.

JAY:

Why don't you take your seat Ralph Kramden--

Jay slumps into the seat beside Silent Bob.

JAY:

I'm f***ing bored, man. There ain't sh*t to so on this bus.

Silent Bob mimes jerking off.

JAY:

I already did that. Twice.

Silent Bob shrugs, looking out the window, Jay looks across the aisle and spots a CHILD

IN A HELMET playing a handheld video game. He leans over to him.

JAY:

Yo, Gretzky--lemme get a turn.

CHILD:

Leave me alone, little kid.

The Child gives him the finger. Jay goes wide-eyed, turning to Silent Bob.

JAY:

That f*** called me a little kid and gave me the finger! Go kick his ass!

Silent Bob offers an incredulous look, as if to say, "He's ten years old."

JAY:

You're my muscle, ain'tcha?

Silent Bob kind of nods.

JAY:

So go open a can of whup-ass on that little f***, and get me his game!

Silent Bob sighs and stands. He climbs over Jay into the aisle and stands in front of the

child. He looks at him and registers doubt. He looks back to Jay, who waves him on.

Silent Bob steels himself, looks back to the kid and reaches for his game. The Child emits

a high-pitched scream and starts punching himself in the head. Silent Bob dives back into

his seat, trying to look nonchalant. The Child stops crying. Jay looks at Silent Bob.

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