Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #4

JAY:

You're one tough motherf***er, you know that?

EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

The bus pulls over by the side of the road.

INT. BUS--DAY

The Bus Driver heads down the aisle toward the back of the bus, followed by pissed-off

PASSENGERS.

PASSENGER:

They been in there going on half an hour now! Two of them! Doing God knows what!

The Bus Driver bangs on the bathroom door and shouts.

DRIVER:

This bus isn't moving another inch unless you clear out of there right now!

No answer. The Bus Driver bangs on the door harder.

DRIVER:

DO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR! NOW!!

The door handle turns, the door swings wide, and massive amounts of smoke suddenly

billow through the back of the bus. The smoke clears to reveal Jay and Silent Bob

squeezed into the bathroom, holding a massive joint.

JAY:

Um--I think something's burning back here.

EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER

As the bus pulls away, Jay and Silent Bob are revealed, left behind.

JAY:

The whole f***ing world's against us, dude. I swear to God.

Silent Bob nods. Jay sticks out his thumb and starts hitching.

EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER

Jay and Bob are walking backwards, hitching still.

JAY:

This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't getting no rides?

VOICE:

'Cause you're doing it all wrong.

Jay and Bob look behind them. There's a GUY hitching as well.

GUY:

You gotta induce the drivers a little.

JAY:

Like how?

GUY:

Like this.

The GUY holds out his sign to them. It reads: Will Give Head For Ride.

JAY:

Yeah, but what happens when you get in the car, and you don't make with the head?

Don't they kick your ass to the curb?

GUY:

Sure--if you don't make with the head.

Jay and Bob look at him for a long beat. Then--

JAY:

Eww! You eat the cock?!?

GUY:

Yeah. If it'll get me a few hundred miles across country. I'll take a shot in the mouth.

JAY:

Yeah, but we ain't gay.

GUY:

Well, neither am I. But have you seen the price of bus tickets lately? Sh*t--I don't wanna

cough up two hundred bucks just to get to Chicago.

JAY:

Well, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm!

GUY:

Don't be so suburban--this is the new millenium. Gay, straight--it's all the same now.

There're no more lines.

Jay draws a line on the ground with his foot.

JAY:

There's one. On this side of it, we ain't gay.

GUY:

All hitchers do this. Why do you think people pick us up? If you get a ride, it's

expected--I don't care who the driver is. It's the first rule in the Book.

JAY:

What book?

GUY:

The unwritten Book of the Road.

A TRUCK starts to pull over to the side of the road. The Guy points to it, as if to say

"See?" The passenger-side door opens. The Guy climbs into the truck and closes the

door. He looks out the window at Jay and Bob.

GUY:

Follow the rules of the Book, and you'll get where you're going in no time. Excuse me.

Through the windshield, Jay and Silent Bob see the Guy go face-first into the TRUCK

DRIVER'S lap. The Truck Drivers smiles, and the truck takes off, roaring down the road.

Jay and Silent Bob watch the truck disappear. Then, a CAR pulls up. The NUN driving

rolls down the passenger side window and leans toward them.

NUN:

You two boys need a ride?

INT. CAR--LATER

The NUN drives, smiling. Jay and Silent Bob sit in the back seat, huddled close together,

their eyes glued on the Nun.

NUN:

You both don't have to sit back there. One of you can sit up here with me.

Silent Bob shakes his head "no" to Jay. Jay shrugs and climbs up front.

NUN:

So where are you boys from?

JAY:

New Jersey.

NUN:

What brings you to Indiana?

JAY:

We're going to Hollywood.

NUN:

Hollywood, hunh? That's a long ways away.

JAY:

Yeah--we're lucky you picked us up.

NUN:

Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says.

JAY:

(misinterpreting completely)

Wait a minute--you follow the Book, too?

NUN:

I live my life by it.

JAY:

Really? You?

NUN:

Of course. You know how lonely it gets on the road? Thanks to the Book, I'm never

alone--if you know what I mean.

JAY:

I guess. This guy back there explained it to us. But I didn't think you'd be into that.

NUN:

Are you kidding? I've dedicated my life to it. Every hour of every day.

JAY:

Sh*t--you nuns are alright.

NUN:

You live by the Book, too?

JAY:

You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta.

NUN:

That's good to hear. But it takes deed, not words. It's a lot easier to say you live by the

Book than to actually do it.

(looks at him)

Can you do it?

JAY:

You want me to do it right now?

NUN:

No time like the present, right?

Jay looks back at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shakes his head "no." Jay shrugs them flips his

hair over his shoulder, and starts to bend down.

JAY:

Alright.

(he suddenly stops)

You hear that? She's not a Catholic. She's a Presbyterian.

Jay disappears below the dash, The Nun goes wide-eyed.

EXT. ROADSIDE--DAY

The Nun's car screeched to the side of the road. Jay gets kicked our of the front seat by

the screaming Nun. Silent Bob rushes out too, and the car races off. Jay's wipes his

mouth. He pulls a long curly hair from between his teeth.

JAY:

Dude--she had seventies bush.

EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT

Jay and Bob continue hitching.

JAY:

I can't believe this sh*t. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day, millions of people

hitch to Hollywood and stop studios from making movies about 'em. But when you and

me try it, it's like we're trapped in a f***ing cartoon!

A familiar-looking VAN pulls up in the other side of the raid, The horn beeps. Jay and

Bob look at each other, shrug, and race across the street, get in. The van pulls off.

INT. VAN--NIGHT

Jay and Bob sit in the back of the can and stare at--

A clean-cut GUY, a Bookish woman in glasses, a red headed Beauty, a stoner DUDE,

and a GREAT DANE.

Jay looks at Silent Bob.

JAY:

Zoinks, yo

GUY:

And now we can finally solve the mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls! Pull off their

masks and let's see who they really are!

BOOKISH:

I don't think they are masks.

BEAUTY:

I don't think they're Hitchhiking Girls either.

BOOKISH:

Ghouls, you f***ing moron. Not Girls.

(to herself)

Though I wish they were hitchhiking girls. Sexy, skimpily clad hitchhiking girls--

GUY:

Let's kick them out. We've got a mystery to solve.

DUDE:

The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief!

GUY:

Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed you to the f***ing dog!

BEAUTY:

(covering her ears; shrieking)

I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING!

JAY:

YO!

The Gang look to Jay and Bob.

JAY:

Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down! And we got just the thing for that.

(pulls out a bag of joints)

We call them Doobie Snax.

INT. VAN--WEED VISION

As Jay and Bob toke up, we go all SLO-MO and 70's freaky ( with the image seeming to

SWIM). Through their stoned haze, we see old-school witches, skeletons, and ghouls

swirling about their heads--the latter of which gets his mask taken off to reveal a man

inside a costume.

Jay and Bob look at the gang, then take a hit off their joint and look back. Suddenly, the

gang's engaged in total debauchery: the Dude rides the windshield while the Guy cackles

insanely, blindfolded by his neckerchief. Bookish and Beauty are in their underwear,

making out with each other. The Great Dane looks at ay and Bob and says--

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes