Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #5

GREAT DANE:

Ri, Ray rand Rirent Rob

The Great Dane rolls over, revealing its RED THING sticking way out of its sheath. It's

monstrous. Jay and Bob go wide-eyed.

JAY:

Look at his f***in' lipstick!!! He's got a stoner-boner!!!

Jay and Bob smile and pass out.

We cut back to the gang, who now appear as they did prior to Weed-Vision. They stare at

the O.C. Jay and Bob.

BEAUTY:

I think they passed out.

GUY:

Great. What do we do with them now?

DUDE:

Let's cut out their kidneys to sell on the black market and leave them in a seedy motel

bathtub full of ice.

BOOKISH:

Oh God, not again?

INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHT

Jay lies in a bathtub full of ice, screaming. There's a scar on his back.

EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAY

Jay wakes up suddenly, screaming. He startles Bob awake as well, as he clutched at this

back lifting his shirt to see the scar. It's not there.

JAY:

Holy sh*t, I had a horrible dream.

(looks around)

Yo, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast?

Bob looks around, and then locks on something O.C. He points, and Jay looks, smiles

widely, and nods.

EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAY

An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the fast food eatery, as Jay and Bob enter.

INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAME

As the pair head for the counter, Jay notices a public INTERNET TERMINAL. He tugs

at Silent Bob's arm.

JAY:

Yo--check that sh*t out: the Internet. Let's see if those fucks said something new about

us and that stupid flick.

Bob shrugs, heading for the terminal. He inserts a dollar and types, following it up with a

mouse click. The pair look at the screen and go wide-eyed.

JAY:

"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob is gonna lick balls, because they both, in fact,

lick balls. Namely each other's."

Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, wide-eyed.

JAY:

Eww.

(reading further)

"Yes--they are real people. Real stupid people. Signed, Darth Randal."

(to Bob)

Motherf***er! It's time we wrote something back! Type this sh*t down.

Silent Bob starts typing as Jay dictates.

JAY:

All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're

gonna f*** your mothers whole you watch and cry like little b*tches. Once we get to

Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie, we're gonna make

'em eat our sh*t, then sh*t our sh*t, then eat their sh*t which is made of our shot that we

made 'em eat. Then all you motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Silent Bob finishes typing and presses "Return". He and Jay nod at each other, then head

over to the counter line, looking up at the menu board.

JAY:

That'll f***ing show 'em. Now we ear our Egga-Mooby-Muffins, then get back on the

road, get to Hollywood, and stop that f***ing movie from getting made. No more hairy-

bush nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye on the prize, and not let nothing--and I mean

NOTHING--distract me.

As Jay finishes speaking, he looks to the O.C. doors and freezes.

A gorgeous GIRL walks through the front doors, all in SLO-MO to the tune of Prince's

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World. She's bathed in light, glowing. She bats her

eyelashes, gliding toward us.

Jay is mouth-agape wide eyed. Silent Bob looks at him, then at the O.C.Girl. He slowly

waves his hand in front of Jay's eyes, getting zero response.

JAY'S POV:
The Girl smiles at us. His POV goes from her face, down to her breasts,

then down to her crotch.

Jay moves past Silent Bob and meets the Girl in the middle of the floor. He embraces her

and lands a long, sweet kiss on her mouth. After a beat, he starts fumbling like a teenager

to get to second base under her shirt, totally incongruous with the music. The Girl kindly

tries to deter him.

But it's just a fantasy. Jay's still standing there next to Silent Bob, but he is sporting a

huge BONER.Silent Bob rolls his eyes. He grabs a soda cup off the counter and sticks it

over Jay's boner, just as the Girl joins them in line. She smiles at the zombified Jay.

GIRL:

(off cup)

Oh my God. Do you get free refills with that?

JAY:

Oh, what--this? I just wear this for protection. You know--so no guys try to grab my

sh*t.

GIRL:

Hi. I'm Justice.

JAY:

(dreamily)

And I am so f***ing yours--

Silent Bob pokes Jay, who shakes of his daze.

JAY:

I mean hi. I'm Jay. And this is my hereto life-mate, Silent Bob.

JUSTICE:

It's nice to meet you.

JAY:

Justice, hunh? That's a nice name.

(under his breath, to Bob)

Jay'n'Justice, sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G--

(back to Justice)

So you come here often?

JUSTICE:

Oh, I'm not from around here. My friends and I are taking a road trip, and we just

stopped to grab something to eat.

JAY:

Your friends, hunh? Where they at?

JUSTICE:

(pointing)

Out there. By that van.

Jay and Bob look past Justice to see a VAN with three other gorgeous GIRLS stretching

outside of it, throwing their hair around, looking incredibly sexy. Without looking at

Silent Bob, Jay quietly says to him--

JAY:

Dude--I think I just filled the cup.

INT. VAN--DAY

Jay and Bob climb into the can, getting odd looks from the other Girls, Justice follows

them in, tossing the fast food to her friends.

JAY:

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizz-ouse!!!

SISSY:

Who the f*** are these guys?

JUSTICE:

This is Jay and Silent Bob.

(to Jay and Bob)

Guys, this is Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy.

CHRISSY:

Where the f*** did they come from?

JUSTICE:

I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride.

SISSY:

I don't know if that's such a great idea. Jussy.

JAY:

Sure it is, Juggs.

MISSY:

Oh my god--he just called Sissy "Juggs"!

CHRISSY:

I'm on it.

Chrissy lunges toward Jay, pulling a knife.

JUSTICE:

Chrissy, no!

Sissy stops Chrissy, shoving a burger into her hands.

SISSY:

We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. Let's try to act like it.

CHRISSY:

And what-stupid ass little foul-mouthed b*tch-boys don't get their balls cut off in

suburbia?

JAY:

(oblivious)

What's with the knife? We having cake or something?

CHRISSY:

Holy sh*t--he's retarded, to boot.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

Yo--she called you retarded.

SISSY:

(to Justice)

What's wrong with you, Justice? You do remember where we're going, don't you?

MISSY:

That we do have a job to do?

JUSTICE:

They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. They won't get in the way, I promise.

(cutesy)

Please?

SISSY:

Fine--they can ride with us. But they're so out of here before we get to Boulder.

JUSTICE:

Honest Injun.

CHRISSY:

"Honest Injun"?

(to Sissy)

I can't believe what a pushover you are.

JAY:

And I can't believe fine-ass b*tches like yourselves eat that sh*t. Don't you know fast

food makes girls fart?

Suddenly, Jay and Bob are parted by BRENT, who's getting into the van.

BRENT:

Say--what's all this talk about farting?

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