Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #6

Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy immediately go from disgusted to sweet and airy, totally

switching characters.

SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSY

Hi Brent!

SISSY:

This is Brent. He's with us, too.

CHRISSY:

Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart.

BRENT:

Of course they don't! Only skeevy stoners fart.

The very white Brent puts his hand out to be slapped by Jay and Silent Bob.

BRENT:

What up, homies?

(off the Girls)

Wow, Three guys, four girls--

(to Jay and Bob)

What's the count boys?

Jay and Bob look at each other and roll their eyes.

EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

The van drives down the road. We hear singing from inside.

INT. VAN--DAY

Brent strums a guitar and sings, as the Girls and Jay and Bob listen, rolling eyes.

BRENT:

Hey there mister science-guy

Don't spray that aerosol in my eye

For I don't really want to die

I'm a noble rabbit!

JAY:

What're you guys, like a cover band or something?

SISSY:

We're the Kansas State chapter of S.A.A.C.--Students Against Animal Cruelty.

CHRISSY:

And we're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds!

Everyone lets out a whoop, except Jay and Bob.

JAY:

What the f*** are you b*tches babbling about?

BRENT:

Hey! Watch the language little boy. There are females present.

Jay and Silent Bob eyeball Brent, until Justice distracts them.

JUSTICE:

Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform gross experiments on

animals.

JAY:

So, what kind of animals are we talking about here--like bears and rhinos?

BRENT:

No--more like rabbits, dogs, cats..heck, even monkeys, If we don't speak for them, who

will?

(touches Justice's arm)

Right, Jussy?

Jay sees this and his eyes flare over the competition. Afer a beat, he relaxes.

JAY:

Hey, uh--Brent? Can I talk to you over here for a second?

Brent joins Jay, strumming his guitar. Jay addresses him confidentially.

JAY:

Be honest, yo--you're down with this for the fine-ass p*ssy, right?

BRENT:

I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid.

JAY:

Even sheep?

BRENT:

Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.

JAY:

They are beautiful, aren't they?

BRENT:

Oh God, yes.

JAY:

So then you'd f*** a sheep?

BRENT:

What is your damage little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective.

JAY:

No, you misunderstand me, Prince Valiant. I mean if you were another sheep. Would you

f*** a sheep if you were another sheep?

BRENT:

I--suppose so.

JAY:

That's what I thought.

(suddenly loudly, to all)

YO! THIS MOTHERF***ER AIN'T ONE OF US! HE JUST SAID HE'D F*** A

SHEEP!

EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

The side door of the van slides open and Brent gets hurled out of the moving vehicle. Jay

throws his guitar at him as well, yelling and flipping the bird as the van drives off.

JAY:

YA DIRTY SHEEP F***ER!!!

EXT. HIGHWAY--LATER

The van drives down the road.

INT. VAN--SAME

Missy drives. Sissy sits in the passenger seat. Chrissy kneels between them.

CHRISSY:

What the f*** are we gonna do now?

SISSY:

Shut up, I'm thinking.

In the back, Justice studies some blueprints. Jay joins her, and she quickly folds them up.

JAY:

Is Hollywood near where we're going?

JUSTICE:

Is that where you guys are from?

JAY:

Ch'yeah, right. Jersey represent!

JUSTICE:

Oh, a Jersey Boy. What brings you all the way out here?

JAY:

Well, we couldn't hang in front of the Quick Stop no more, 'cause of the strainen-en

order, which sucks ass 'cause it's been like our home since we were kids. Silent Bob even

busted his cherry there.

JUSTICE:

(to Bob)

You did? I'll bet she was a lucky girl.

Bob blushes, Jay doesn't like that Justice's attention has strayed.

JAY:

Look, f*** that fat f***--I'm trying to tell a story here.

JUSTICE:

Sorry.

JAY:

Anyway, we were talking to Brodie and he said there's gonna be a Bluntman and Chronic

movie. So we went to see Holden McNeil, and he showed us the Internet, and that's

where we found all these f***ing little jerkoffs were saying sh*t about us. So we decided

to go to Hollywood and stop the movie from getting made. And now we're here.

JUSTICE:

Wow. I have no idea what you just said.

JAY:

Yeah, I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh?

JUSTICE:

Sure.

JAY:

That's cool. Even snakes?

JUSTICE:

You can't exclude an animal just because it's not cuddly. Of course I like snakes.

JAY:

How about trouser snakes?

JUSTICE:

What's a trouser snake?

Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay's left shoulder.

JAY DEVIL:

(to Jay)

What the f*** are you waiting for? She went for the setup! Reach in your f***ing pants,

and pull yer cock out, b*tch! That's the kinda sh*t girls like!

Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay's right shoulder.

JAY DEVIL 2

Right about here's where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your

dick out. But we b*tch-slapped that little f*** and sent him packing, so it's smooth

sailing. Let 'er rip, boy!

They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his hand down his pants, getting

ready to whip out his dick, when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder,

rubbing a swollen jaw.

JAY ANGEL:

Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?

(looks down)

Oh, sh*t--you're not thinking of whipping your dick out at this fine piece of woman, are

you?

Jay thinks, then nods "Yes." The Jay Angel rolls his eyes, and slaps him.

JAY ANGEL:

Tell you what:
look at Silent Bob. See if he thinks it's a good idea to whip your dick out.

Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay's hand in his pants to Jay and shakes

his head "no," sternly. Jay withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods,

satisfied.

JAY ANGEL:

That's it, boy--put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit

will do for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the sh*t

out of two suckerpunching little b*tches. Remember--don't pull your dick out until she

asks you to.

(beat)

Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg!

The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice looks at Jay, a bit confused.

JAY:

Don't ask.

(beat)

So, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like me do to help the animals?

JUSTICE:

You really don't want to help us--

JAY:

What the f*** are you talking about? Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.

Justice smiles. Jay tries to recover.

JAY:

I mean, youse guys! I'd do anything for youse guys. For the lift and sh*t.

JUSTICE:

You sure?

JAY:

Sure, I'm sure. I said it, didn't I. F***

JUSTICE:

Well--okay. Let me talk it over with the other girls and get back to you.

JAY:

You do that.

Jay takes Justice's hand and kisses it.

JAY:

I'll be right here.

He winks at her, smiles and moves to the other side of the can, near Silent Bob. He's still

smiling at Justice and winking when he looks to Silent Bob who stares at him blankly,

then imitates Jay's hand-kissing back at him, Jay scowls.

JAY:

F*** you. Fatty.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAY

The van pulls up and all pile out, stretching. The Girls head toward the store. Justice calls

over to Jay and Silent Bob.

JUSTICE:

You guys want anything from inside?

JAY:

No, we're cool, thanks hon.

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