Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #7

Justice smiles and heads inside. Jay and Silent Bob study the front of the foreign

convenience store. They look for a place to lean, try a few spots out, then settle into one.

After a beat--

JAY:

It just ain't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to Quick Stop.

Silent Bob shakes his head "Yeah."

JAY:

And speaking of licking balls--how 'bout that Justice chick? She is too fine. And she

smells so f***ing pretty. She's got a nice voice, too. And that body? Smoking. You

know, she never once said "f*** off," when I was talking to her, or pulled out the pepper

spray, or nothing. I tell ya, Lunchbox--she could be the one.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

Justice is at the microwave when she's suddenly surrounded by the other girls.

MISSY:

Smooth move, Justice.

CHRISSY:

(slapping Justice upside the head)

Nice going, Four Eyes!

JUSTICE:

Ow!

SISSY:

Why the f*** did you let that little stoner throw Brent our of the van?!

JUSTICE:

Oh please--if I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs, I was going to throw him

out myself.

SISSY:

We needed Brent, Justice! He was our patsy!

JUSTICE:

We'll find someone else. Besides, I didn't see you trying to stop Jay from throwing him

out.

SISSY:

Because I didn't want to blow our cover!

JUSTICE:

Cover, shmover--you all hated his songs, too.

CHRISSY:

Not as much as I hate you.

Justice offers Chrissy a cold glance,

CHRISSY:

F***, if I don't get to kill someone soon, I'm gonna--f***ing kill someone!

SISSY:

(rubbing Chrissy's shoulders)

Don't mind Chrissy. She's just a little too wound for sound.

CHRISSY:

Then how about you help me take the edge off?

Chrissy grabs Missy forcefully and the pair make out, hot and heavy in the middle of the

convenience store. Other customers regard them wide-eyed.

JUSTICE:

(to Customers)

They're really good friends.

SISSY:

(TO CHRISSY AND MISSY)

Would you two knock it off? We're in the f***ing heartland here! Try to blend!

JUSTICE:

They already do--she's the milkmaid, and she's the cow.

CHRISSY:

Oh, I'm a cow, am I? I'm a mad cow, b*tch. And now I'm gonna rip your head off and

f*** your spine stump.

SISSY:

Enough!

(calm to Justice)

We have a very simple gang here, Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn, and

Missy's the tech-girl. But lately, I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're doing

here.

JUSTICE:

That makes two of us.

CHRISSY:

Sh*t--your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme.

JUSTICE:

That's because very few names rhyme with "douchebag."

CHRISSY:

(getting in her face)

You're dancing on my last nerve, Strawberry Shortcake.

(to Sissy)

You deal with the weak link. I'm gonna take Missy into the dirty convenience store

bathroom and hate-f*** the sh*t out of her.

Chrissy drags Missy off. Justice and Sissy watch them go.

JUSTICE:

And you said letting them read all that Anais Nin wouldn't amount to anything.

SISSY:

Don't change the subject. You know what you have to do now, right? Since you let our

patsy slip away, you've gotta convince the little kid and that fat guy to take his place.

They've gotta break into Provasik now.

JUSTICE:

Uh-uh!

SISSY:

Uh-huh. You'll do it; or you're out of this gang. Just use the little one's crush to convince

him, since he's so f***ing in love with you.

JUSTICE:

Jay? No he's not.

SISSY:

What--am I blind? He wasn't kissing your hand back in the van like he was f***ing Lord

Byron?

JUSTICE:

Well, maybe he was just raised with manners.

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

A GIRL walks past Jay and Bob, heading out of the store.

JAY:

(to exited Girl)

YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR A**HOLE LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN

OVERCOAT?!

(to Bob)

Yeah.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY

Sissy continues to confront Justice.

SISSY:

You're the one that brought the kid in, Jussy. So you've gotta make amends.

JUSTICE:

Jay is not taking Brent's place as the patsy.

SISSY:

That kid and his quite friend are our only options at this point. Now we got about two

hours before we get to Boulder. That gives you plenty of of time to work on him.

JUSTICE:

I'm not gonna do it.

SISSY:

Why the f*** not?

JUSTICE:

Because he's just to so innocent!

Justice looks out the window and smiles, seeing Jay dancing alongside Bob.

JUSTICE:

Look at him--

EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE-SAME

Jay's dancing still, but now we hear what he's SINGING to Silent Bob.

JAY:

I'm gonna finger-f*** her tight little a**hole! Finger-bang and tea-bang my balls--in her

mouth! Where? Where? In her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her mouth! Balls, balls, sweaty

balls--

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME

Sissy eyeballs Justice, who's still looking out at Jay.

SISSY:

Who's it going to be, Jussy--him or us?

Justice looks at Sissy. Sissy nods at her. Justice looks back out at Jay.

INT. VAN--DAY

Justice talks to Jay and Silent Bob.

JAY:

Steal a monkey? Sh*t--no problem.

JUSTICE:

It's not really stealing--it's liberating it, and--

(finally hears him)

Wait a second--did you say, "No problem"?

JAY:

Yeah, F***--we steal monkeys all the time.

(to Bob)

Right, Lunchbox?

Silent Bob glares at Jay.

JUSTICE:

It's not like it's a bad thing. It's for a good cause.

JAY:

Oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri--

(takes her hand)

The cause of love.

(kisses her hand, then releases)

Snoogans--

JUSTICE:

What the heck is that?

JAY:

What's what?

JUSTICE:

"Snoogans," I believe it was.

JAY:

What the f*** do you think it means? It means "I'm kidding."

JUSTICE:

Ohhh. Well, that's too bad.

She smiles at Jay, touches his chin and heads to the front of the van. Jay plays it cool

until she's out of sight, then humps silent Bob's leg like a dog.

JAY:

(singing)

I can't believe I'm gonna get some p*ssy for stealing a monkey!

(speaking)

If I'd known it was that easy, I'd've been stealing monkeys since I was like seven and

sh*t.

Jay looks at Silent Bob, who clearly disapproves.

JAY:

Don't, motherf***er. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are gonna get married

one day, so don't be giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no-monkey" look. I'm Morris

Day; you're Jerome, b*tch. Don't forget that. That girl? That girl's in love with me.

Up front, Justice talks to Sissy, while Missy drives.

JUSTICE:

They're gonna do it.

SISSY:

Good. They do their part--

(pats a video camera)

And we'll do ours.

Justice eyes Sissy, then slumps in her seat.

EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

The Van rolls up across the street from the Provasik Labs, parking in front of another

large building.

INT. VAN--SAME

Jay and Silent bob get out, along with Justice. They wear Ninja masks. Missy and Chrissy

follow.

JUSTICE:

Remember--we meet back here when you're done. You sure you're okay with this?

JAY:

As sure as I am that you're the hottest b*tch I ever seen.

Chrissy lunges at Jay, Missy holds her back, dragging Chrissy away.

JAY:

What's twisting that b*tch's tits?

JUSTICE:

Maybe it's because women don't like to be called "b*tches," Jay.

JAY:

They don't? Well how 'bout "piece of ass"?

JUSTICE:

How about not.

JAY:

Well, what the f*** am I supposed to call you, then?

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