Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #8

JUSTICE:

Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice.

JAY:

(thinks; then)

Boo-Boo Kitty f***

JUSTICE:

(laughing)

Okay.That's a start.

Sissy jumps out of the van, holding the video camera, aiming it at Jay and Bob.

SISSY:

Jay, before you go, could you say something into the camera about the clitoris.

JAY:

What?

JUSTICE:

(to Sissy)

Man you are such a b*tch--

SISSY:

(off Justice; to Jay)

She's just a little embarrassed. See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary for

our Human Sexuality class, and we need a male perspective on the clitoris.

JAY:

The female clitoris?

SISSY:

Uh--yeah.

JUSTICE:

Jay, you don't have to do this.

She elbows Sissy.

JAY:

Nah, it's cool, hon. There's a few things I can say about the clit that I's like you to hear.

(clears throat; into camera)

I am the master of the clit! I make that sh*t work! It does what ever the f*** I tell it to do!

No one rules the clit like me!

(off Silent Bob)

Not this little f***! None of you little fucks out there! I am the clit commander!!!

Remember that--commander of all clits!

Jay proceeds to make some p*ssy-eating faces. Justice shakes her head at Sissy, who

snaps the camera closed and smiles.

SISSY:

Awesome. Knock 'em dead, Tiger.

Sissy climbs back into the van.

JAY:

(to Justice)

So --can I get a little kiss for good luck?

Justice smiles at Jay, then kisses him sweetly on the lips.

JAY:

So --can I get a little blow job for good luck?

Justice smiles and pulls Jay's mask down. He heads off, revealing Silent Bob behind him,

lips puckered, handing in midair. Jay reached back into the frame, pulling Bob out.

Justice watches them go.

SISSY:

Jussy. C'mon.

Justice climbs back into the van.

INT.VAN--SAME

Justice sits, glaring at Sissy.

SISSY:

Hey, Lover-girl. You cock-block my authority again, you lose your f***ing fronts, you

got that?

JUSTICE:

Yes, sir.

Sissy takes the tape out of the camera and hands it off to Missy, beside whom is a bag full

of high-tech equipment.

SISSY:

Phase One, down. While we're executing Phase Two, you edit that tape and grab a new

car.

MISSY:

No sweat.

SISSY:

Let's suit up.

EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

Jay and Silent bob tuck-and roll- across the front lawn, stopping at the building. Silent

Bob pulls a GRAPPLING GUN out of his coat. He fires it into the air as Jay quickly

gives the "metal" sign, and the pair are lifted out-of-frame.

INT.PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT

It's dead quiet and still. Then, the pair smash through a window, landing in the floor in a

ball. They lift their Ninja hoods. Jay glares at Silent Bob.

JAY:

You fat f***--

INT.VAN--NIGHT

Missy peers through binoculars out the window.

SISSY:

They in?

MISSY:

You can say that.

SISSY:

Time to shine. Let's go.

EXT. VAN--NIGHT

The quartet piles out of the van, and we get our first look at them: sexily geared up for

action, wearing all black. They head for a SEPARATE BUILDING. Stopping at the front

door.

Sissy gestures elaborately to Missy, and Missy gestures elaborately back, racing away

into the night. Justice offers Sissy a look.

JUSTICE:

You are so gay.

Chrissy sticks a box on the door and presses a button. On a digital readout, numbers roll

until they stop on four different digits. The door lock CLICKS open.

SISSY:

Once we're inside, I want complete silence.

(holding up high-tech device)

Missy whipped this up. It counts our decibel level. If it goes into the red--alarm, we're

dead. So not even the slightest noise, got it?

Justice blows her off. Sissy enters the building, followed closely by Chrissy. Justice

lingers at the door, taking one last look back at the Provasik Building, fretting for Jay and

Bob.

SISSY:

(pokes her head back out)

Justice! Move your ass!

Justice heads inside. We PAN up to reveal a sign that reads: BOULDER DIAMOND

EXCHANGE.

INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHT

Jay and Bob stand there, looking around the room.

It's lines with cages, all of which contain sad-looking ANIMALS.

A tear forms in silent Bob's eye. Jay rolls his eyes and hits him.

JAY:

Stay frosty, you big f***ing softie. We've got a job to do.

Silent Bob nods and clicks on a flashlight. The pair wade through the cages. Jay stops at

an EMERGENCY BOX hanging on the wall. Inside it, there's a pistol.

JAY:

Check this out, Lunchbox. Animal tranquilizer. This sh*t fucks you up like Percocets!

Jay elbows the glass, breaking it. He takes the gun out and tosses it to Bob.

JAY:

Hold this. Later, me and Justice can shoot each other with it and f*** like stoned test

bunnies. Bunnggg.

Silent Bob rolls he eyes and sticks the gun in his coat. The pair look through the cages,

until HEAR the distinct SOUND OF A MONKEY. Jay directs Silent Bob's flashlight to

the cage from where the sound emitted. He smiles.

JAY:

(reading)

"Suzanne." Boo-yah.

INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT

The three Girls stand at the end of a large hallway. At the other end is a glass case, full of

DIAMONDS.

Sissy pulls and aerosol can from her utility belt and sprays the air in the hallway. She

watches the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly at the sound of the spray.

Suddenly, within the mist, laser beams become apparent.

Sissy hands the decibel monitor to Chrissy and takes a few steps back, shaking her hands

to limber up. She then runs forward and does an impressive series of flips down the

hallway, not touching a single laser beam.

Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.

Once Sissy's flipping comes to a stop at the other end of the hallway near the Diamond

case, she makes a hand gesture to Justice. Justice nods, and proceeds to do the same

series of flips down the hallway, not tripping the alarm.

Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly.

Justice lands beside Sissy, and then Sissy gestures to Chrissy.

Chrissy tosses the decibel monitor over the laser beams, Sissy catches it, and the monitor

rises only slightly.

Then, Chrissy proceeds with her series of flips, which are even more impressive than the

other two, including running up walls and pushing into handstand flips. When she passes

the last laser beam, she lands between Sissy and Justice, arms in the air like a gymnast.

Then, she lets out a loud, manly FART.

The decibel monitor goes red and an alarm starts RINGING through the building.

CHRISSY:

Holy f***--the little stoner was right--

Sissy shutters the glass surrounding the Diamonds. She ours them into a bag, and races

back down the hallway, followed by Justice and Chrissy.

EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT

The Girls emerge from the Diamond Exchange, just as Missy pulls up in a

CONVERTIBLE.

CHRISSY:

Boom Box!

Missy tosses a metal box to Chrissy, who catches it and races toward the van, while Sissy

and Justice pile into the convertible.

SISSY:

I can't believe it. Months of planning and it's all blown by a f***ing fart.

JUSTICE:

We can't just leave them like this! That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute!

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