Jayson Bend: Queen and Country Page #2

- Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on!

I can't see sh*t. Higher!

Come on!

Wow.

We're talking maybe 20 student nurses

in varying states of undress.

You should see it.

Tits flying everywhere.

Two nurses dancing in the nude.

Wow.

Come on, then, my turn.

Higher...

Higher... That's it.

Good.

I see no tits.

It's Sophie.

Wow. I see what you mean.

What?

What do you mean,

"You see what I mean?"

Your girl, Sophie.

The curve of that breast.

The pink nipple.

Pressed against the window.

You lying ponce.

Yeah, right.

Sophie.

Don't let them get to you, Percy.

They won't break me.

We'll stick together.

Like sh*t to a blanket.

Who's this malingerer?

- What's your name, soldier?

- Private Redmond, sir.

- And why are you not saluting the officer?

- Excused saluting, sir. Hernia.

Required to keep hand in pocket

to keep it in, sir.

I know your type, Redmond.

You're a Skiver.

Because you're an old sweat,

you think you have the measure of the Army.

Well, now you've me to contend with.

I'll leave this in your hands, RSM.

Right, this one.

Every sergeant is a suspect

and so is every soldier who has access

to the Sergeants' Mess.

What do I want a clock for, sir?

Sure I can't even tell the time.

That clock was given to one of

my predecessors by Queen Victoria

after the Crimean War for valour.

Valour!

It has kept time in the mess

for a hundred years.

Now some twit of a conscript has nicked it.

Well, this is a closed camp.

No one will smuggle a clock out of here.

We've found it, sir,

in the back kitchen, being cleaned.

Right, let's clear up this mess, Redmond,

and I don't want to hear about your hernia.

I'll get my broom, sir.

They say he's ill, the King.

If that were so, Buckingham Palace

would issue a bulletin.

It has not, so he is not.

Do you have any family, Sergeant Major?

No, you're married to the Army.

That makes the King kind of like your dad.

Huh.

That silly remark will result in

a charge of insolence, Sergeant Hapgood.

I think he only meant it in the sense

that nuns are married to Jesus, sir.

- I have a class.

- Me, too.

Hey. Psst. Come here.

What?

Where did you get all these snouts?

Lad in the NAAFI owed me a favour.

Yours is a murky world, Redmond.

You're my hero, Redmond.

Skiver par excellence.

Yeah, well, skiving

is not a skill acquired overnight.

You're only in two years.

Skiving takes longer than that.

But you show promise, Percy.

And how would you define

your complete Skiver, Redmond?

Put it like this.

Army training brainwashes you.

When you're told to get out of a trench

and walk towards a machine gun

that's shooting at you, you do it.

A Skiver will find a reason

to stay in the trench.

You've got to be brave to be that cowardly.

Wow. That is so profound, hmm?

Yeah.

- And how do you get on top of the officers?

- Find a weak spot.

Like this young doc.

Insecure, easy to con.

I can get a chitty off him no bother.

Everyone in the Army's

trying to get away with something.

Find out what it is and play on it.

Except our Bradley. A tough nut.

He lives by the letter of the law.

No weak spot? No chink in the armour?

Not sure.

Could be rage.

He's a tinderbox.

- I'll get him in the end.

- No.

We'll do it together.

Hernia still playing up, Redmond?

Yes, sir. Required to...

Keep hand in pocket. Yes, we know.

Well, take it out and salute properly.

What infraction is it this time,

Sergeant Major Bradley?

Disruptive behaviour

contrary to good order, sir.

What is that?

Frolicking? Messing about?

Not language I would use, sir.

Reprimanded, Redmond.

And Sergeant Major,

try to maintain discipline

without resorting to company orders.

It is tiresome. Dismiss.

Improperly dressed, sir.

How, Sergeant Major?

Did Sergeant Hapgood

come to work wearing pyjamas?

Flies undone?

Top jacket button, sir.

Admonished, Sergeant Hapgood.

What on earth is it this time,

Sergeant Major?

Dumb insolence, sir.

Dumb insolence?

Dumb insolence?

That hasn't been invoked

since the First World War.

It's still an offence, sir,

under Section 83-A of the Army Act.

So what did he do or not do?

He refused to accept my criticism

of his work methods.

Sergeant Rohan?

Sergeant Major Bradleys insistence

that every letter of the law be enforced

makes teaching these men

almost impossible, sir.

- Guilty'?

- If silence is an offence, yes, sir.

Admonished.

May I remind you, sir,

that the relevant section

demands a reprimand as the minimum

punishment for this offence.

- Sir?

- The rest is silence.

We have to stop him!

We have to bring him down.

Charge him with something for a change.

- It won't work. He lives by the law.

- Then let's kill him.

- Murder is my...

- favourite crime.

We keep it simple.

Break into his quarters.

You and Redmond hold him down.

I stuff a pillow over his face.

Found dead in the morning.

No signs of a struggle.

- Celebrations all around.

- I couldn't do that.

Why not?

The Army's training you to kill.

Get some practice in.

God. Have you got a better idea?

- Psychological warfare.

- What?

Well, you know how he gets enraged

if his routine's disrupted.

So?

He does the Telegraph crossword

every lunchtime in the mess.

Well?

Well, one of us slips down mid-morning

and solves it. He'll go nuts.

That's some leap from murder

to f***ing up his crossword.

This is your guide to hygiene in Korea,

with nasty pictures about syphilis

and what it can do to you.

We had that lecture

on our way to France in the war.

The doc said, "So don't ruin your life

for 10 minutes of pleasure.

"Any questions?"

And one lad said, "Yes, sir.

"How do you make it last 10 minutes?"

While we're waiting,

take a few tips from an old sweat.

Now, saluting.

This is what they tell you to do.

Longest way up, shortest way down.

Finish with thumb

pointing down trouser seam.

Up, one, two, down, two, three.

Well, you can make a statement

with saluting.

This is the "f*** you, sir" salute.

Silence!

You are all about to posted to Korea,

which is no laughing matter,

I can assure you!

Sergeant Rohan will take the first

of three orientation lectures.

Inciting disorder. See me in my office.

Okay.

This is a war between North and South Korea.

The North, supported by China and Russia,

the South by America and us.

And General MacArthur

is in charge of the war. Was.

President Truman has just sacked him.

MacArthur wasn't satisfied with driving

the Chinese back over the border.

He wanted to invade China

and drop a few atom bombs on them.

Wasn't he a hero

in the Second World War, Sarge?

Well, yes, but like a lot of generals

in the history of war,

he's probably completely nuts.

Will I be typing out there, Sarge,

in a nice warm office?

No, you won't, Henderson.

You're all on active duty.

Even a nice gin like me?

Shut up and let me tell you what to expect.

Korea is pan of the war

between communism and capitalism,

the so-called Cold War.

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