Jayson Bend: Queen and Country Page #5

to kill Bradley for us,

I'd be happy

to kill his nagging wife for him.

It's spooky.

I think he knows our thoughts.

He's evil.

Here, tell me about the lovely Sophie.

Did you get your way with her?

Well, Sophie's a nice gin, not a slapper.

I have too much respect for her.

Respect? You, the master of disrespect?

F*** you.

- Do you hear what's he's whistling?

- Yes.

We're Soldiers of the Queen, My Lad.

Ah, the King must be dead.

"We're soldiers of the Queen..."

We're soldiers of the Queen, mylad.

The Queen, my lad The Queen, my lad.

We're soldiers of the Queen, mylad.

Have you heard the news?

The King is dead.

On whose authority?

We heard this cook whistling

We're Soldiers of the Queen, My Lad,

so we know.

Yes.

We're soldiers of the Queen, mylad.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And based on this whistling cook,

you countenance this rumour,

this seditious rumour,

a rumour concerning our monarch,

a false rumour, Sergeant.

If the King were dead,

the regimental flag

would be flying at half-mast.

Take a look out of the window.

Is the flag flying at half-mast?

He's dead. He never wanted

to be King and now he isn't.

Did you or did you not sign

an oath of allegiance to the King

when you joined the Army, Sergeant?

I didn't join. I was conscripted.

Have you no respect for the King,

for the Army, for your country,

or do you save all your respect

for that little floozy you run around with?

You have less than a year to serve,

Sergeant Hapgood.

An assault would cost you an extra

six months in military prison!

Next time I will kill you.

I know you fought in the war,

the war against fascism,

though it's hard to think of you

being against fascism.

And maybe you were a hero.

Did you shoot Germans?

Was your best friend killed?

Did you lose the woman you loved?

Though it takes a supreme act of imagination

to think of you loving anyone

or anything except the Army.

I am sorry for you, Sergeant Major Bradley.

You are a pathetic figure.

And I want you to know

that what you said to Percy

amounts to a declaration of war.

You are weak, Sergeant Rohan,

because you lack conviction.

I have nothing to fear from you.

Private Redmond.

As you know, a little twerp

has refused to go to Korea

after listening to Sergeant Rohan's

little f***ing talks.

Well, that means we're a man short,

so I've put you in to fill the hole.

Meanwhile, you can trot off back

to the centre, pending your posting.

Of course, if that clock were to turn up,

well, things might be different.

- Did they leave you off, Redmond?

- Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Well, I'll make sure

you're in the next batch.

Can I come in, Percy?

Your f***ing head's already in.

- You wanted to see me?

- I thought you were off to Korea?

It's still hanging over me.

I've been perusing Bradleys bible,

the Army Act.

I think we might hoist him

on his own petard.

What? Hang him?

Listen to this.

"It is an offence for an NCO

to admonish another NCO

in the presence of a private soldier."

So?

Here's what we do.

Percy and I provoke him into a rant

and you slip into the room

without him noticing.

And we charge him and march him

down to Major f***ing Cross.

So what do I get out of it?

You get Bradley off your back.

If you were to get the RSM

off me back, Percy...

- And how would I do that?

- You f***ing know how.

- Say it, Redmond.

- Give it back.

- Give what back?

- The clock, the f***ing clock.

Well, let's get rid of Bradley

and then we'll see about the RSM.

You can trust me.

- Sergeant Rohan?

- Yes?

At the gate, Sarge.

William, I didn't know how else

to reach you. I'm staying with my aunt.

- What do you want?

- To say sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- For what?

- For ruining your 48-hour pass.

Everything. What a b*tch!

Can you forgive me?

Can you let me out

for a few minutes, please?

No, Sarge.

I took a risk in coming to get you.

It meant leaving my post.

Can't open the gate.

I go on leave tomorrow.

Come with me, to my parents'.

And my sister's back from Canada.

I can't, William.

I can meet you in a couple of days.

- What's their telephone number?

- They don't have a phone.

- They don't have a phone?

- No one I know has a phone.

I'll give you the address.

- The Sphinx...

- Sphinx? Like in Egypt?

The Sphinx, Pharaoh's Island, Shepperton.

Pharaoh's Island?

Are you kidding?

No. Ring the bell.

Billy!

Billy! Look at you!

You were a skinny

little 9-year-old when I left

and now you're a big sexy man.

Stop with the kisses. I preferred it

when you used to beat me up.

Yeah, I hated you.

I was an only child for eight years

and then you turned up.

- I wanted to kill you.

- Sorry.

Come on. Come on, Bill!

Mum, Bill's here.

- Oh, Bill, you're home!

- Hello, Mum.

Oh!

- Look at you.

- I've missed you.

- Come in.

- Look at her.

I haven't missed you at all.

Come and sit. Come and sit.

Come and sit. Oh! My darling.

- Oh, Bill.

- Hello, Dad.

Bill... Grace, where did I leave

those newspapers?

Oh, where you left them.

I was mortified. My own son named

and shamed in these newspapers.

- Shamed.

- What is it? "Seducing."

"Seducing a soldier

from the course of his duties."

Seducing?

Are you saying

that my grandson's a homosexual?

Oh...

- A nine-bob note?

- Of course not, Dada.

I... I mean, look at it.

Look at it.

Do you know how humiliating it is

for a man who fought in two world wars?

Except you didn't actually fight, Dad.

- I rode into battle.

- With a drawn sword.

- Leading my Gurkhas.

- Against the Turks.

It was a suicide mission.

Except the Turks had skedaddled.

They were terrified of facing the Gurkhas.

Or was it Dad on his horse

who made them run?

And as for the Second World War,

you were stationed up North,

some place the Luftwaffe had never heard of,

while we were in London

getting bombed every night.

Well, I'm a patriot.

Bill is clearly not.

- I was exonerated, Dad.

- Oh.

So, you're not... You're not

a Nancy boy after all.

Yeah, well, those two spies are,

Burgess and Maclean.

Buggery and skulduggery

go hand-in-hand.

I don't suppose

either of you are interested

in the Coronation?

Well, I am and so is Grace.

- Don't...

- I've bought

one of these television things

to watch it on.

And unless it's against your principles,

I would be very grateful

for a hand setting it up.

- How about this?

- Stop.

That's too far. Back a bit.

- A little more.

- There?

No. No, go South.

South. You have to turn it south, Bill.

No, no, no. Go back, back.

- You've got to go back.

- That it?

That's it. No. No.

We're talking subtle increments here.

That's too much, that's too much,

Bill. We're talking subtle,

subtle increments, okay?

- Subtle increments?

- To the south.

No, back. Okay, back, back.

There we are.

Hold it! Hold it. We've almost...

Oh, blast. We've lost it.

You've lost it, Bill!

- There?

- Great!

- Keep it there.

- Yeah?

- You sure?

- Hold it.

Hold it. There we are. There we are.

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