Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself

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(Opening)

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Jeff Dunham, i'm talking to you my man. This is your night and this is your time.

You're gonna put the smackdown on that crowd like 50 cent. Uh. You're gonna get it crunk like usher.

Jeff Dunham:
Like the ushers?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh man, i gotta think white, think white...

Jeff Dunham:
You mean: going to do well like Toby Keith.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Huh?

Jeff Dunham:
I think i get it.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You're my man jeff.

Jeff Dunham:
Thanks sweet daddy. Group hug?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
What? Uh...ok Jeff. You can put me down now. We got a show to do. They're waiting for ya. Ah...****

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome Jeff Dunham.

Jeff Dunham:
Thank you! Thank you so much!

Alright! Thank you. You are assuming way to much,

ladies and gentlemen But thanks for coming out tonight.

I am happy to be in orange county. I'm happy to be in Santa Ana. My mother-In-Law had a dance studio.

She had this dance studio for 30 years. She owned it and she ran it. A few months ago, she was 4 days away

from closing the sail on the dance studio

She was gonna take the money, retire,

be independent and live out the rest of her life.

Then, the hurricanes came... guess where my mother-In-Laws dance studio was?!

West palm beach, Florida. Guess who's living with me

and my family now in Los Angeles??!! I'll say it again: i am happy to be in Santa Ana.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Where is Chris Rock, when you need the man?

Jeff Dunham:
In one house, it's me, my wife, three little girls, 3 female dogs, 2 female rats, 1 female fish. Now my mother-In-Law and as a bonus, my sister-In-Law. I am growing a uterus as we speak. The only other male in the household, is my golden retriever: bill. And they had him neutered. Oh, it's very sad. I came home after being gone for about 5 days i walked in the front door.

Bill is lying on the coach. He looks up like: "dad... You're not going to believe what they did to me... "Run!"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Who is this? Ooh! Ladies, meet me in the green room!!

Jeff Dunham:
Well, our daughters are now 8, 10 and god forbid, 14 years of age. Thanks for your sympathy. My wife and i recognize that we are living on the verge of hell. Because from what i understand, when woman live in the same house. Apparently, god has a sense of humor. Because eventually their biological time clocks synchronize. So i know when all my daughters get to be that age, i'll be sitting on the phone with my agent

every 3 and a half weeks going: "You gotta get me the hell out of here!!" My office door will be locked and all i hear is: "Daddy... Let us in..." Bill will be sitting next to me: "don't open the door!" Well, i know that some of you know what's going on this evening. I have little people in boxes and uh... i gotta tell ya, the way security is at the airports nowadays when you try and check in with a small person in your luggage... they stop ya. Most airports nowadays have the sophisticated equipment for checking your luggage they are like big M.R.I.'s, they can check the contents, the materials... but some of the smaller airports, don't. We all know Burbank airport,

just north of here a few miles. Don't have all the sophisticated stuff, they still have to handcheck a lot of luggage. I was in line, about 3 1/2 weeks ago, early one morning, very crowded. And most people, when you get your luggage handchecked, it's no big deal they might pull out your underwear, like eew... but for me, they're pulling out dolls.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I told him not to do that joke.

Jeff Dunham:
And i figured out the way they decide,

who's luggage they're gonna handcheck. It is a complete judgement call on these guys parts. They look at you and they decide and apparently i look like a terrorist with a trunk. Because as:"sir, i gotta take a look at that trunk".

I'm like:
"uh crap, here we go!" So he takes the big trunk and he puts it on the top of the silver table he opens it up and the first thing he pulls out is one of my little guys: peanut. You'll see him in a little while, you know my little peanut. But he pulls peanut out and he's like: "he." And people in line are like: "hey!" And i'm like "ohh..." Now, they have these swabs and they swab whatever it is they're looking at, they then take the piece of material,

they put it in the analyzer it then checks to see if your stuff has come into contact with anything dangerous. Chemicals or whatever. So the guy has peanut in one hand, swab in the other this is all true, it's too stupid to make up. He could have swabbed peanut on the head, on the foot... No, in front of god and everybody, he swabs his butt, just like that. I know it's only a puppet... but i work with the guy. There's a relationship here! And i'm sitting there watching this and the first thing i find myself thinking is: You sick *******! What the hell...?!

Why are you wiping my friends butt? He then takes the swab, puts it in the machine, shuts the door I think we're finished. We start to put things away.... Suddenly the little machine goes: (Eh eh eh eh eh) Three more guys come out, they have me up against the wall. They're checking my id, they're doing a background check on the internet. They're going through all my stuff, takes 15 minutes. Now we're finished everything is fine. Then we start to put things back and then i start to think... What the hell... Was on Peanuts butt... That labelled me the potential terrorist? This is all true and i asked the guy

and he goes:
Well, it's all in code on the computer. Let's see. He goes: "eh, that would be a military grade plastic explosive". And i go: "hehehe.." "What???" And he goes: "well, sometimes the machine confuses lotion for that..."

And i went:
"haha! No, there is no lotion on the puppets ***!" I've been building bombs in my garage. You caught me skippy! Thanks for straightening me out! I don't ever want to go through the Burbank airport again. There was only a small number of these guys doing all the checking

I know the next time i'll go through, they'll all be standing in a group and one of them will point and go:

"There he is! There's the gay puppet bomber!"

"There's lotion on his puppets ***."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Now uh you two girls are twins right?

Jeff Dunham:
Well ladies and gentlemen, i have a few guys to introduce to you tonight. The first guy i met years ago when i was still in college And he's a Vietnam war veteran. And he was a welder at the time. He'd been married for many, many years. And he was just tired of being in the house and wanted to get out. He saw what i did on weekends. He thought it would be fun just to

get up in front of people and just talk. Give his point of views on all kinds of subjects. So we tried it a few times,

i thought he was great We've been a team ever since.

Please help me welcome my old friend: Walter.

Walter:
Shut the hell up!

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