Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #2

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Jeff Dunham:
Walter, you're happy to be here?

Walter:
Overjoyed! Last week, i was lying on a beach in Maui and i couldn't decide, gee should i stay in Hawaii or go to friggin Santa Ana? My god, i can die happy now!

Jeff Dunham:
It's a fine city

Walter:
I don't give a damn

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong with you?

Walter:
I don't know It's hot as hell outside, my skin is a dry and itchy, you put me in a sweater. Sure as hell, not gonna ask you for lotion.

Jeff Dunham:
You know you don't have to do this

Walter:
Yeah, i can get a real job

Jeff Dunham:
What would you do?

Walter:
I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. What the hell is so funny?!

Jeff Dunham:
At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?

Walter:
Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your **** (stuff) and get out! Have a nice day.

Jeff Dunham:
Anything else wrong?

Walter:
I don't know. My wife and i couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinkin joint. And some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He gets out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him. Don't you hate that?

Audience:
Yeah.

Walter:
So i ran his *** over. I made an honest man out of him. And his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me. Took her out with the door.

Jeff Dunham:
Don't you feel kinda bad?

- Oh hell, ain't carpool

Jeff Dunham:
Do you think the police didn't see ya?

Walter:
I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Cops on bicycles.

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong with that?

Walter:
How intimidating is this: "Sorry buddy, pull it over" What do they do when they arrest somebody? "Alright, in the basket"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yes ladies... i wrote that joke.

Walter:
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops. They got playing cards in their spokes. "Halt!"

Jeff Dunham:
So your wife's in town?

Walter:
Oh, yeah!

Jeff Dunham:
She's having a good time?

Walter:
She always has a good time.

Jeff Dunham:
Good.

Walter:
Pisses me off.

Jeff Dunham:
She's a lovely lady!

Walter:
She's gettin old

Jeff Dunham:
Well, women age like fine wine

Walter:
She's aging like milk

Jeff Dunham:
Did you guys get into another argument this morning?

Walter:
Yeah

Jeff Dunham:
What happened?

Walter:
I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her minstrel cycle And ran my *** over.

Jeff Dunham:
Never heard it put quite that way before

Walter:
Oh it even has a sound. It goes:

Jeff Dunham:
How long have you been married?

Walter:
Uh, what is it now? 46 years

Jeff Dunham:
What was the happiest moment of your life?

Walter:
47 years ago. How long have you been married?

Jeff Dunham:
15 years

Walter:
You'll see

Jeff Dunham:
I'll see what?

Walter:
Remember when you said: "Till death do us part"?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah

Walter:
Later, you'll realize

you're actually setting a goal.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?

Walter:
It's like drinking a slurpee.

Jeff Dunham:
Slurpee?

Walter:
First couple of sips are like: "boy, it's is really good. I'm glad i did this" Then you keep drinking it, goes right to your head and you go.. "What the hell was i thinking?!" "Someone kill me please!"

Jeff Dunham:
But eventually it stops hurting

Walter:
Yeah, but then you're stupid enough to take another friggin sip. Ain't the same anymore is it?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Being married all these years. You can't look at other women now. You can't talk to them, you can't do nothing.

Jeff Dunham:
What are you talking about?

Walter:
I'll show you what i'm talking about... See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row. This gorgeous young thing? Do you see her?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah...

Walter:
Oh well... Only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark. Getting married is kind of

like buying a new car.

Jeff Dunham:
A new car?

Walter:
You know when you see that car in the

showroom floor just before you take it home...

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah..

Walter:
That is as good as it's ever gonna look. Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches. Parts start to go bad. Then the new models comes out and then you're like:... "Honey, can i just sit in it?" No, remember?

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, how's the love life?

Walter:
You mean sex?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes

Walter:
I'm married, you moron! I'm too old too

Jeff Dunham:
You're not too old

Walter:
How would you know?

Jeff Dunham:
Well, i don't know, but i do know

I had grandparents who well into their eighties,

where still having fun.

Walter:
Their eighties? Good god... What the hell kinda sex is that? "Was it good for you?" "I can't remember"

"We just finished!" "Who are you?"

Jeff Dunham:
Are you trying to tell me there's nothing

sexually going on between you and your wife?

Walter:
It's very difficult. She gripes about everything.

Jeff Dunham:
Like what?

Walter:
She said i don't make the right noises during sex

Jeff Dunham:
Sorry to hear that

Walter:
Wanna hear what i do?

Jeff Dunham:
No

Walter:
Alright, you talked me into it.

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute...

Walter:
Now be careful, these are gonna be kind of pornographic. "Get off" "I can't see the weather channel!" "Get the hell off!"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, now that's funny! Wait, no it's not.

Jeff Dunham:
I know you know better than i do, but i mean is there any kind of foreplay for you guys?

Walter:
Foreplay? At our age? Yeah, it's come down to:

"hey, wake up!" You know what oral sex for us is?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
She screams: "screw you!" And i yell: "bite me!"

Jeff Dunham:
Come on Walter, at your age,

how do you keep things fresh in the bedroom?

Walter:
Febreze. I don't know. My wife and i heard

that coffee's good for your sex life

Jeff Dunham:
Coffee? Is it?

Walter:
No, it kept me awake through the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate! Doctor said it's bad for my heart too.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, the caffeine?

Walter:
No, seeing my wife naked

Jeff Dunham:
That's awful!

Walter:
Oh, you seen her too?

Jeff Dunham:
So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?

Walter:
I don't know, but they're never gonna let us go back into that Starbucks again! Well, we used the filter!

Jeff Dunham:
You know Walter. Despite how you act, i bet when you were younger you were quite a ladiesman

Walter:
I used to chase skirts all over the world.

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Walter:
Till i got to Scotland... And boy, was i surprised!

Jeff Dunham:
So you had women everywhere?

Walter:
I even dated a girl in India

Jeff Dunham:
Really?

Walter:
Lovely young lady. Weird *** country.

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong with India?

Walter:
I don't now. Most of the women got a red dot in the middle of their forehead. What the hell is that? "You are here" Maybe it lights up when the coffee is ready?

Jeff Dunham:
Sorry.

Walter:
"Scratch it off, you friggin win something!!"

Jeff Dunham:
Will you stop?!

Walter:
How about this: "hey looks like she's videotaping me all the time!"

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