Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #3

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Jeff Dunham:
As everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question

So before the show started, i grabbed a small handful.

I think you should answer them.

Walter:
I don't give a damn. You pall here in the blue shirt, in the front row... you filled one out? Hello! Did you fill one out? Where are you going?! Sit the hell down! You *******, this is tv! What the hell? Think he's gonna take a piss (whizz)? These are expensive tickets, extensive set-Up, lot of production Divide it all up, if he's gone for 3 minutes, he's taking a 600 dollar piss (whizz)! Dumbass.

Is he coming back? Ok. We'll wait.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Walter:
What's that guys first name?

Mike's Wife:
Mike!

Walter:
Mike. Dumbass. Are there speakers up in the bathroom?

Jeff Dunham:
Yes

Walter:
Oh Mike!! We're are waiting for you, Mike!!

Kinda of tough to go with all this pressure isn't it, Mike?!

Mike! Get out!! Mike's taking a long time... Could be having trouble... What does mike do for a living?

Mike's Wife:
Transportation.

Walter:
He does transportation? What the hell does that mean?

Mike's Wife:
Medical transportation

Walter:
Medical transportation?! What the **** is that?! Welcome back, dumbass! Mike, could you hear us in there? Mike! Somebody pull his string. He's not talking.

Mike, could you hear us in there?

Mike:
I could't hear it.

Well, you couldn't. we can hear you. You didn't wash your hands! I don't give a damn Back to you, a**hole.

I'm sorry, just kiddin around. What is your first name, here in the blue shirt?

Nick:
Nick.

Walter:
Nick, good to see you Nick. Nick, what do you do for a living?

Nick:
I work in construction

Walter:
Ooh Construction. What kind of construction? What do you do?

Nick:
I work with a general contractor

Walter:
With a general contractor. You're not the general contractor? You work with one.

Nick:
I will be.

Walter:
So what is your title, Nick?

Nick:
I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.

Walter:
Framing and drywalling... Got anything for that, dumbass? You know nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers and even trash collectors. But the framing and drywalling guy... Not in our arsenal of snappy come-Backs! And we're not gonna bother going home and writing any. Cos hey... what are the ******* odds now ?

Jeff Dunham:
I'm sorry

Walter:
It was nick right?

Nick:
Yeah

Walter:
Nick and Mike. Mike and Nick. Dumbasses.

Jeff Dunham:
Would you be nice to the crowd?

Walter:
I don't give a damn

Jeff Dunham:
Some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't

Walter:
I don't give a damn

Jeff Dunham:
Where is Valerie...? What is it?

Walter:
I don't know. What is it... Ramney... Ramsey. Valerie, where are ya?

Jeff Dunham:
Right there. "Dear walter, how do you take

off ten years to look younger?"

Walter:
Oh, me? That would be Thompson's Waterseal.

Jeff Dunham:
This is from Milton: "Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work." "How can i get her to get a job?"

Walter:
Well Milton, you're going to have to die. That'll teach the b*tch!

Jeff Dunham:
Where is Nick Manos?

Nick:
Right here!

Nick! Oh Nick.

Jeff Dunham:
Nick says: "Dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated." "When is the last time you got laid?"

Walter:
Oh crap, i recognize him. That's our gay stalker!

I need medical transportation!

Jeff Dunham:
This is from Steven: "Dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?" Tony Whittier? Oh, Tony from Whittier, California.

Walter:
Pay attention, idiot

Jeff Dunham:
I'm sorry "Dear Walter, time and time again

i have filled out this sheet, 6 times." "You never answer my question. What gives?"

Walter:
Let's skip that one

Jeff Dunham:
This is from Chris, it's a girl Chris "Dear..."

you read this

Walter:
"Dear walter, after 9 1/2 years my boyfriend still hasn't 'popped' the question" That says 'poop' the question!! Chris, you need to learn to spell i think. How the hell do you 'poop' the question? I guess you should

listen from the other end...

Jeff Dunham:
"Dear walter, why don't chicken

breasts have nipples?"

Walter:
What?! I guess cos if they got too cold, they'd poke a whole in the package. New from the colonel: "chicken and tits."

Jeff Dunham:
"Dear Walter, what is one of Jeff's deepest darkest secrets?"

Walter:
Oh he has a sex blow up doll

Jeff Dunham:
No i don't

Walter:
Yes you do

Jeff Dunham:
No

Walter:
Yes and the sick part is he makes her talk. And boy, does she lie!

Jeff Dunham:
Will you stop it! "Dear walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?"

Walter:
Dirt. And we were happy Kids nowadays, they have too much. They got the internet, video games, computer crap. Hell they're even passing out condoms

in high schools, did you know that?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah

Walter:
Good god, when i was that age, we had to walk 5 miles to get a condom. Up hill. In the snow. With a boner!

Jeff Dunham:
Oh stop it! Alright. I threw this one away, cos i thought it was kinda over the line. But i think we crossed that a couple of times. You read it

Walter:
Why?

Jeff Dunham:
I just can't. You read it.

Walter:
Ok, "Dear walter, why is it that i gag when i brush my tongue, But not when i give my boyfriend oral sex?"

Well obviously, your toothbrush is bigger

Jeff Dunham:
That's Walter! There we go! Alright! Thank you! Thank you so much. And now ladies and gentlemen... Folks, every once in a while, a fear in show business. You feel the need to reinvent yourself. Redo things. Make the creative juices keep flowing. I felt not long ago, it was time for me to do that. So i fired my current manager and hired a new one. He's actually here this evening and before i go any further, he wanted to come out and say a few words. We are getting to know each other, he's getting to know my audiences. I think you're really going to enjoy him, because he's a smart guy. I really respect him. Please help me welcome my new manager Sweet Daddy Dee.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Well, it's about time. These folks were waiting to see me...

Jeff Dunham:
How are you doing sweet daddy?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh no, it's not Sweet Daddy, it's Sweet Daddy Dee.

Jeff Dunham:
Well, i'm happy to call you my new manager

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I'm what you call a player in a management profession.

Jeff Dunham:
Right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
P.I.M.P.

Jeff Dunham:
You're a P.I.M.P?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
That makes you the hoe!

Jeff Dunham:
I'm not a whore.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
What do you do for a living?

Jeff Dunham:
Make people laugh

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Make them feel good?

Jeff Dunham:
Right

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You're the hoe

Jeff Dunham:
That's not right

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Why do you do what you do?

Jeff Dunham:
Why? Because i enjoy it and it's the best way i know to make money

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You're the hoe!

Jeff Dunham:
Wait a minute, what if i said i only do it only because i enjoy it?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You're the dumb hoe.

Jeff Dunham:
So what ideas do you have for my career?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
The first thing i gotta do is school you in street

Jeff:
Street?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Word

Jeff:
What?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Word

Jeff:
What word?

What?

Jeff:
You said: "word".

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Word

Jeff:
What word?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh snap, what the hell? Dog, "word" is like: "i heard that?"

Jeff:
Heard what?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh **** Dog, you are not white. You're neon white. You're so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother.

Jeff:
I like Barry Manilow.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Are you gay?

Jeff:
No

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I heard about the lotion.

Jeff:
I'm not gay

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You're just white.

Jeff:
Yeah

Sweet Daddy Dee:
It's all good

Jeff:
Look, do you think this is gonna work between us?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Let's make an analogy here. If we were food. I would be a fine summer wine that would be divine anytime

Jeff:
What about me?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Every good wine needs a cracker! Oh that's funny **** right there! You gotta laugh at that ****. Oh we got a fine hoochy momma right here Hello??!!! You're looking to go home with some real wood? You like it?! I may be short, but it ain't my feet holding me up

Jeff:
Sweet daddy, what are you doing?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Trying to find me some hoes, dog!

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