Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #4

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Jeff:
Hoes? Oh you mean women! Oh i got it! Ok. Word!!!

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Don't you ever do that again!! I don't know what the hell that was, but you just embarrassed the hell out of everybody. Even the white folks are sitting there going: "what the **** was that?" You know us black folks got a saying. Stay black

Jeff:
Right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I got some advice for you

Jeff:
What?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Stay white,

Jeff:
I know a lot of white people emulate the African-American culture to make themselves seem cooler.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yeah, us black folks got a word for that.

Jeff:
What?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Irritating. So i'll say it again and it goes

for most everybody in this room. I'll stay black, you stay white. As for my Mexican brothers and sisters... You learn english **********'s, how bout that? Oh! That's funny **** right there! Oh lord, i'm glad i'm going home in the suitcase

Jeff:
Look sweet daddy, who are some of your other clients?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I can't tell you that...

Jeff:
Why?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I gotta protect their anonymity

Jeff:
Well... Give us a hint then. How bout some initials?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
O.J. Oh ****!

Jeff:
So you have some athletes and former athletes?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, sure enough

Jeff:
So you like sports?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh yeah

Jeff:
I like sports, lets talk about sports What do you think about the hockey strike we had not long ago?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
The what...?

Jeff:
You know, the hockey strike

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh yeah me and all the brothers were laying around the hood everyday going: "Oh lord, what do we do with no hockey?!" "Thank the lord, we got NASCAR!" NASCAR, that's another dumbass crack of sport!

Jeff:
NASCAR is very popular

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I know that, i just don't get it! Lots of grown, white men going 500 miles, in a circle?! What the hell?! What kind of 3 and half hours Is this: "look, they're making a left turn" "Oh, they're making another left turn"

"Oh, they're making another left turn" I wonder what's gonna happen next??? "Let's go to commercial, come back in 10 minutes, You ain't gonna miss a ******* thing!" He is that the dude that Walter was talking to?

Jeff:
Right there

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I was talking to him outside before the show, He was dissin me on my threads

Jeff:
Oh, he didn't like your clothes

Sweet Daddy Dee:
That's right. And he asks: "how come your name is Sweet Daddy?" You know what i said to him? Ask your momma!! Don't get all up in my grill dog,

you know it ain't just me up here. And if i'm not funny,

it's not my fault. See dog, i'm kinda like coffee

Jeff:
Coffee?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yeah, before you experience my brown goodness.. i gotta go through a big ass white filter. That's funny **** right there!

Jeff:
So sweet daddy, do you like the audience here?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I love your crowd. But i feel a little bit outnumber... is there one other brother in the house tonight? Oh. Yo dog! Run! Start up the car, i need you

out back after the show! It's like we're at a Dwight Yokum concert, or some **** like that

Jeff:
Look sweet daddy, before you go... why did you choose me as a client?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Because you're safe.

Jeff:
I'm what?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I gotta lot of clients ending up in jail and in trouble. I don't see you putting your ass in jail anytime soon. Unless of course, they make lotion illegal...

Jeff:
Will you please drop the lotion?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Ok, but i ain't picking it up anywhere near your asss!

Jeff:
That's Sweet Daddy Dee! Thank you! And now ladies and gentlemen, how do we describe this next guy?

Pretty much just white, trash trailer park. Please help me welcome, Bubba J.

Jeff:
How are you doing Bubba J?

Bubba J:
I'm doing pretty good!

Jeff:
Well, i'm glad you're here

Bubba J:
Yeah, i was fixin' to coming here. And i went out the front door to come here. And i came here, and i got here. And here i am!

Jeff:
So Bubba J, what does the j stand for?

Bubba J:
My last name is junior.

Jeff:
It's a good thing they didn't name you junior

Bubba J:
Yeah, that'll be dumb: junior junior. That's my brothers name.

Jeff:
What have you been doing today?

Bubba J:
I've been watching NASCAR and drinking beer!

Jeff:
That's your favorite sport

Bubba J:
Yeah, NASCAR is too!

Jeff:
NASCAR is very hot right now.

Bubba J:
I know, everybody loves NASCAR!

Jeff:
Well, Sweet Daddy says it's just

a bunch of guys driving in a circle.

Bubba J:
I know, that's my favorite part "They're making a left turn!" It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered.

Jeff:
I understand you got a new tattoo

Bubba J:
Yeah, i got another somewhere else. That'll grow. Did you get it?

Jeff:
They got it!

Bubba J:
I'm tired of hearing that most NASCAR fans drink too much.

Jeff:
Cos it's not true?

Bubba J:
Oh no, it's true. I'm just tired of hearing it. Makes me thirsty for another beer

Jeff:
Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track?

Bubba J:
Yeah, but we have boxed wine, it's wine that comes in a box. It's great, cos if you had too much to drink, then you got something to throw up in.

Jeff:
Bubba J, don't you worry about your health?

Bubba J:
Huh?

Jeff:
Your health...

Bubba J:
Like what?

Jeff:
Your liver...

Bubba J:
No, my last abduction with the aliens took it.

Jeff:
You think you got abducted by aliens?

Bubba J:
I don't think, i know!!! They took me and they

stuck something in my butt. And not in the good way...

Jeff:
When you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot,

Who is your designated driver?

Bubba J:
What the **** is that?

Jeff:
Do you drive drunk?

Bubba J:
No officer!! I'm practicing.

Jeff:
Have you ever had an intervention?

Bubba J:
Yeah, and penicillin cleared it right up. Stupid cousin. It was a second cousin! That's a grey area.

Jeff:
Do you play any sports yourself?

Bubba J:
Does 'quarters' count?

Jeff:
No. Do you got a drinking problem?

Bubba J:
No, i pretty much got it figured out

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