Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #5
- Year:
- 2006
- 1,658 Views
Jeff:
What's your favorite beer?Bubba J:
An open oneJeff:
And how do you know when you had too much?Bubba J:
I run outJeff:
Have you ever been to an A.A meeting?Bubba J:
A.A. Is for quitters. Hey, mister Dunham, i was wondering... what is it that you do for a living?Jeff:
I'm a comedianBubba J:
You are? You got one of them catchphrases?Jeff:
Well you know i'm a ventriloquist.Bubba J:
Oh, you don't eat meat? What?Jeff:
Bubba j, are you married?Bubba J:
Oh yeahJeff:
Is your wife pretty?Bubba J:
Yeah... NoJeff:
What's the difference?Bubba J:
The light.Jeff:
Where did you meet your wife?Bubba J:
At the family reunion. What?!Jeff:
Where was this family reunion?Bubba J:
At the state fair.Jeff:
Why don't you tell us about the first time you saw your wife?Bubba J:
Alright There she was... More?Jeff:
Yeah, more! Where was she?Bubba J:
She was leaning against the ferris wheel.. Making it tilt. Sunlight, glistening off her curlers. Corndog in one hand, a Budweiser in the other. Ooh! My tattoo is growing!! I went up to her and i said: "young woman, you look more delicious then mayonnaise oozing out of a spam sandwich." And then she smiled... What a tooth!Jeff:
So i guess you dated her a little while?Bubba J:
Yeah, a little bitJeff:
And you proposed?Bubba J:
No her daddy did that for meJeff:
How did that happen?Bubba J:
I was supposed to come and pick her up about 7 o'clock. One night, i got there at 7.30. And her daddy was on the front porch with his shotgun. He said: "He Bubba J, guess who else is late!" I'm glad you're laughing, somebody had to explain it to me. I still don't get itJeff:
So i guess you had the wedding at the church?Bubba J:
YeahJeff:
Had the reception?Bubba J:
At Wal-MartJeff:
Wal-Mart?Bubba J:
YeahJeff:
Why?Bubba J:
Easier to return the gifts. We walked in the front door, some old conger standing there and he goes: Hey, welcome to Wal-Mart, get you **** (stuff) and get out!Bubba J:
Goodnight!Jeff:
That's Bubba J! I met this next guy many years ago,also when i was in college. He is not from the united states. He's from a small Micronesian island in the south-Pacific. And he hopped a cruise ship, i actually met him down in Florida. We met up, talked a little bit, i thought he was kinda funny. We went on stage together a few times. He's been in my act ever since. Please help me welcome my buddy: Peanut. How are you doing peanut?
Peanut:
I'm doing pretty good. How are you?Jeff:
I'm finePeanut:
That's good, that's goood, that's gooood! Well, looks like a pretty good crowd tonightJeff:
You like it here?Peanut:
Oh, i love coming here to uh, uh, uh.... This town right here!!Jeff:
Which town?Peanut:
This oneJeff:
Which is?Peanut:
The one we're in right now...Jeff:
Peanut, where are we?Peanut:
You don't know??Jeff:
I don't think you knowPeanut:
I forgotJeff:
You forgot?Peanut:
We gone to see so many damn places, i forgot!Jeff:
Think about it for a secondPeanut:
Alright, alright, alright... Damn!!!Jeff:
The drive from the valleyPeanut:
Was bad as hell...Jeff:
Traffic?Peanut:
Sucked like hell...Jeff:
Drivers?Peanut:
Angry as hell...Jeff:
And you?Peanut:
Were scared as hell...Jeff:
Parking here?Peanut:
Sucked more like hell...Jeff:
So?Peanut:
We're in hell!! And these are our hellmates! Think about it, next time somebody tells you to go to hell: "come right here!"Jeff:
Where are we?Peanut:
I don't know! Help me out, help me out!! SorryJeff:
I wrote it down for youPeanut:
Oh good, you wrote it down! Ah yes! I love coming to... Sa. Nata a. Na. What the hell is that?! Sa Nata a na. What is it a friggin Nndian reservation?! What the hell?! Sa Nata a na. How.Jeff:
It's Santa Ana. "Santa Ana".Peanut:
Look i know i didn't finish school, but that friggin says: "Sa Nata a na". Dumbass. I will never blink.Jeff:
They pronounce it: "Santa Ana".Peanut:
Well, they're wrong! Sa Nata a na.Jeff:
It's Santa Ana!Peanut:
Are you sure?Jeff:
YeahPeanut:
Ok!Jeff:
You're happy to be here?Peanut:
What?Jeff:
You're happy to be here?Peanut:
Ohh, yes i am... Just last week, i was lying in bedand i woke up sobbing. I will never be happy until we return to... Sa Nata a na! And now, we're here!! Thank you for bringing me!
Jeff:
It's a fine cityPeanut:
Ok!Jeff:
And we're in a very nice theaterPeanut:
Ok!Jeff:
This town is great. It's a fine city!Peanut:
Have you looked around?! Holy crap! Sucks!Jeff:
A lot of history in this city.Peanut:
Translated: "old as ****. (crap).Jeff:
They've been rejuvenating, refurbishing...Peanut:
Polish a turd, it's still a turd.Jeff:
It's a fine cityPeanut:
Ok! Sorry! But the drive down here did suckJeff:
Yes it didPeanut:
Oh my god. It was in the 4 or 5 then the 5, holy crap! Thank goodness we turned on the radio and listened to the traffic reportJeff:
How much good did that do us?Peanut:
None what so friggin ever! I hate the traffic reports. They are a waste of time. Let me do the traffic reports, i'll save everyone a lot of time and money. "He peanut, it's eight o'clock in the morning, there's a lot of traffic out there. What's going on?" "It's eight o'clock in the morning! Everyone left the house at the same damn time. Back to you! Call me back at 5.30, i'll tell you the same thing. Oh and guess what? They are going the other way! You know what else pissed me off today? Try using my cell phoneJeff:
Having trouble?Peanut:
Just like the stinkin commercials "Can you hear me know? How bout now? Now? Now?" You know what you don't hear in those commercials? The other end of the conversation! What a piece of ****! You know what cellphone sex is? "Can you feel me now? How bout now?"Jef:
Stop it!Peanut:
This guy is not getting any of this. I've beenwatching him the whole time and it's all going... I'm just kidding buddy. What's your name? What is your name?
I'm ******* looking right at ya! Aren't i?
Jeff:
I think soPeanut:
Fix my eyes a**hole. It's hard to talk to somebody if you're not looking right at them. It's like trying to talk to somebody who has a lazy eye. You don't know which eye to focus on. You're sitting there talking to them thinking: "oh crap, should i be looking at that eye or that eye?" Focus you moron! What?!Jeff:
What if someone here has a lazy eye?Peanut:
I'll confuse them. Here i am. Here! You know what Pesto is?Jeff:
Pesto is the stuff that goes on salads and pizza.Peanut:
No, Pesto. It's a magician with a harelip. Pesto!Jeff:
What if somebody here has a harelip?Peanut:
Sorry!Jeff:
Oh stop it!Peanut:
Boy, what if they had a harelip and a lazy eye. Their really gone be: "pissed off" Back to you dude. I'm kidding. You right here with the blond hair and the glasses. What is your first name?
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"Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 20 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jeff_dunham:_arguing_with_myself_24149>.
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